It is better to conquer yourself than to win a thousand battles. Then the victory is yours. It cannot be taken from you, not by angels or by demons, heaven or hell.
Buddha
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"I gave up jogging for health reasons. My thighs kept rubbing together and setting my pantyhose on fire."—Judy Franconi
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Q: What do you call someone who can't stick with a diet?
A: A desserter.
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“I would like vitamins for my son,” a mother said. “Vitamin A, B or C?” the pharmacist asked. “It doesn’t matter,” the mother replied. “He can’t read yet.”
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One night as I was putting my
2 1/2-year-old daughter to bed,
I saw a bright full moon in the sky. I let her look at the moon for a minute and then asked, “Who made the moon?”
“God,” came her reply.
“And the stars?” I asked. Again the answer was, “God.”
I continued with a few more questions: Who made the trees, the flowers, etc. Finally I asked, “Who made Daddy?”
She said, “Grandma.”
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My sister Jordan was helping my 21/2-year-old niece Berea put on her sweatshirt when Berea’s head got stuck on the neck hole.
Berea started panicking and saying, “I can’t see! I can’t see!” The shirt quickly slipped over her head, and the panic was gone until her arms got stuck
on the tight cuffs.
The panic returned, and she started crying again. “My fingers can’t see! My fingers can’t see!” she said.
It was all we could do not to laugh as Jordan quickly pulled Berea’s arms through the cuffs.
Daily Life Jokes
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My niece Katrina tailgates other cars and it makes me nervous. I just can’t get it through her head that she does this and that it’s very dangerous. One good thing is that I sometimes find myself drawing closer to the Lord when I ride with her.
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SCENE: My teenage daughter and me in the car.
Lauren: Dad, do you know what the most commonly used letter in a girl’s name is?
Me: Hmm, is it a consonant or a vowel? (Silence.) Please tell me you know what consonants and vowels are.
Lauren: You’re no fun, Dad. Forget it.
Me: What is a vowel?
Lauren: OK, OK. A vowel is … ahh … eh … well, oh … uh …
Me: Close enough.
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The Unathletic Camper’s Baseball GlossaryBaseball bat: a wooden or
metal bar that can easily fly out of someone’s hands.
Foul ball: a moment when you think, Holy @#$%, I got a hit!
Babe Ruth: someone who people tell you was also overweight.
Right field: a quiet place where you can sit for long stretches and play with dandelions. Until suddenly you hear a clang and some shouting and immediately understand life is about to get much harder.
Fly ball: when the sun drops
a boulder on your head.
Shortstop: a position that
involves mostly ground balls
and that you think maybe you can play.
Line drive: the reason you can’t play shortstop.
Innings: the amount of time
left before afternoon snack,
divided by nine.
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Probably the worst thing you can hear when you’re wearing a bikini is “Good for you!”
@ElizaBayne
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Watch The Walking Dead with someone who’s super into it so every time a zombie appears, you can pull the old, “Wait, who’s this, now?”
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Watch The Walking Dead with someone who’s super into it so every time a zombie appears, you can pull the old, “Wait, who’s this, now?”
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Good Sunday morning everyboomie.
Are you ready for some football?
I guess I'll watch the game.
It's hard to stay positive though when you're pulling for both teams to lose, and you know that ain't gonna happen.
We're supposed to hit about 60 degrees today, so if it's not terribly windy, it will be an ok day.
I hope it's a great day for everyone here.
joe