Carry out a random act of kindness, with no expectation of reward, safe in the knowledge that one day someone might do the same for you.
The sex was so good even the neighbors had a cigarette.
Join the Army, meet interesting people, kill them.
Laughing stock: cattle with a sense of humor.
Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?
Wear short sleeves! Support your right to bare arms!
If you smoke after sex, you’re doing it too fast.
I don’t suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it.
If ignorance is bliss, you must be orgasmic.
I don’t have to be dead to donate my organ.
WARNING! Driver only carries $20.00 in ammunition.
This would be really funny if it wasn’t happening to me.
I have the body of a god… Buddha!
Funny Sayings Part 2
I get enough exercise pushing my luck.
Auntie Em- Hate you, hate Kansas, taking dog. Dorothy
If you don’t like the news, go out and make your own.
Sometimes I wake up grumpy; other times I let her sleep
Guns don’t kill people… but they make it real easy.
I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather … Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.
We are Microsoft. Resistance Is Futile. You Will Be Assimilated.
Born free… taxed to death.
The more people I meet, the more I like my dog.
Some people are alive only because it’s illegal to kill them.
Funny Sayings Part 3
A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory.
There’s too much blood in my alcohol system.
I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.
Don’t take life too seriously, you won’t get out alive.
WANTED: Meaningful overnight relationship.
If you can read this, I’ve lost my trailer.
You’re just jealous because the voices only talk to me.
The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
BEER: It’s not just for breakfast anymore.
I got a gun for my wife, best trade I’ve ever made.
So you’re a feminist…Isn’t that cute, honey!
Anyone can give up smoking, but it takes a real man to face cancer.
If, a two letter word for futility
I don’t care, I don’t have to.
Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.
Earth is the insane asylum for the universe.
To all you virgins, thanks for nothing.
I’m not a complete idiot, some parts are missing.
Horn broken, watch for finger.
All men are idiots … I married their king.
The more you complain, the longer God lets you live.
My kid had sex with your honor student.
Earth first…we’ll mine the other planets later.
Give pizza chants.
Good morning everyboomie.
Another day in the neighborhood, and it's a thumping good one I'll bet.
Hump day here was wrapped in sunshine all day, and I took Missy parking, but I spent a big part of the day on the couch hugging my security blanket.
Thursday is gonna be about 10 degrees warmer though.
No plans at all.
Whatever your plans are, please think about me while you're doing them, and maybe I'll feel like I accomplished something.
Have a happy day everyone.