The best and most beautiful things in the world cannot be seen or even touched - they must be felt with the heart.
~Helen Keller~
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Q: Why go to the paint store when you're on a diet?
A: You can get thinner there.
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Q: Why shouldn't you fall in love with a pastry chef?
A: He'll dessert you.
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I tried to say, "I'm a functional adult," but my phone changed it to "fictional adult," and I feel like that's more accurate.
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Q: Why did the computer show up at work late?
A: It had a
hard drive.
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Scene: A conversation with my friend’s father, who knows I do
Web design.
Father: I have a business idea. How hard is it to make a Facebook?
Me: Oh, very easy.
Friend: He doesn’t mean to make
a Facebook profile. He means to
remake all of Facebook.
Me: Oh. Very hard.
Father: Oh, OK.
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Q. Why did the golfer wear two pairs of pants?
A. In case he got a hole in one.
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All pro athletes are
bilingual. They speak English and profanity.
Gordie Howe, hockey player
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The Unathletic Camper’s Baseball GlossaryBaseball bat: a wooden or
metal bar that can easily fly out of someone’s hands.
Foul ball: a moment when you think, Holy @#$%, I got a hit!
Babe Ruth: someone who people tell you was also overweight.
Right field: a quiet place where you can sit for long stretches and play with dandelions. Until suddenly you hear a clang and some shouting and immediately understand life is about to get much harder.
Fly ball: when the sun drops
a boulder on your head.
Shortstop: a position that
involves mostly ground balls
and that you think maybe you can play.
Line drive: the reason you can’t play shortstop.
Innings: the amount of time
left before afternoon snack,
divided by nine.
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Does it disturb anyone else that “The Los Angeles Angels” baseball team translates directly to “The The Angels Angels”?
Neil DeGrasse Tyson
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The one thing I’ve learned from the World Cup is that Europe still hasn’t mastered the haircut.
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Three fans were bemoaning the sorry state of their football team.
“I blame the general manager,” said the first fan. “If he signed better players, we’d be a great team.”
“I blame the players,” said the
second fan. “If they made more of
an effort, we’d score some points.”
“I blame my parents,” said the third. “If I’d been born in Seattle,
I’d be supporting a decent team.”
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The topic of my student’s essay was the importance of trust, camaraderie, and toughness among football
players. “After all,” he wrote, “you don’t want a bunch of pre-Madonnas out there on the field.”
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I recently stumbled upon
my favorite new sports team. It’s
a woman’s bowling squad called
I Can’t Believe It’s Not Gutter.
Jacqueline Tessman,
Benton Harbor, Michigan
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Two campers are hiking in the woods when one is bitten on the rear end by a rattlesnake. "I'll go into town for a doctor," the other says. He runs ten miles to a small town and finds the only doctor delivering a baby.
"I can't leave," the doctor says. "But here's what to do. Take a knife, cut a little X where the bite is, suck out the poison and spit it on the ground."
The guy runs back to his friend, who is in agony. "What did the doctor say?" the victim cries.
"He says you're gonna die."
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Swimming is a confusing sport, because sometimes you do it for fun, and other times you do it to not die.
Comedian Demetri Martin
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It’s weird that NFL players don’t constantly look at their phones to check their stats.
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Good morning everyboomie.
Welcome to the weekend!
It was one heck of a nice day here.
The dogs and I enjoyed every minute we were outside.
I left the door open so the pups could run in and out.
Just try and take a nap with the door oprn and two yappie Chihuahuas watching out the window for any would be trespassers.
Every 5 minutes they go bounding off my chest and out the door.
Well Friday's 65 degrees is giving way to a high of 40 degrees for Saturday.
I won't be leaving the door open.
Have a happy day everyone.
joe
acebook
witter
I'm about to make my way over to my bed. 
Wishing everyone a relaxing day! 
