No man has a good enough memory to be a successful liar.
Doctor: "I am not exactly sure of the cause. I think it could be due to alcohol."
Patient: "That's okay. I'll come back when you are sober."
Lady: "Is this my train?"
Station Master: "No, it belongs to the railway company."
Lady: "Don’t try to be funny. I mean to ask if I can take this train to New York."
Station Master: "No Madam, I’m afraid it’s too heavy."
A man got in a car accident with a dwarf, who got out of his car and said, "I'm not happy!" The man replied, "Well, which one are you?"
Q: Did you hear about the mathematician who’s afraid of negative numbers?
A: He'll stop at nothing to avoid them.
A pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel on the front of his pants. The bartender asks, "What's with the wheel?" The pirate says, "Arrrr! It drives me nuts!"
A man is at the bar, blind drunk. Some of the customers decide to be good Samaritans and get him home. They pick him up off the floor and drag him out of the door. On the way to the car, he falls down three times. When they get to his house, they help him out of the car, and he falls down four more times. They ring the doorbell and a woman answers. “Here’s your husband!” “Thanks,” says the man’s wife. “What did you do with his wheelchair?”
A guy accidentally dropped $2 in the toilet and thought, "It's not worth putting my hand in the toilet for only $2," so then he dropped a $50 bill in the toilet on purpose and thought, "Now it's worth it."
Two judges were stumbling home from their local pub, arms around each other, loudly singing Kenny Rodgers. "Hey," said one, "I think we're drunk." "You are right, and according to the law I will have to charge you with being drunk and disorderly," said his mate. "And you will have to appear before me at 10AM tomorrow," said the first. Next morning in court, the first pleaded guilty to the charge and was fined $10. They then switched places. "Drunk and disorderly, eh? You are fined $20." "Hey," protested the first, "When I was in was in chair I only fined you $10!" "Yes," said the second judge, "But the offense is becoming too common. You are the second drunk to appear before the court this morning."
A doctor walks into a room full of patients at a mental institution, takes out a pen, and draws a door on the wall. He then tells all the patients that whoever wants to escape, should use that door. Immediately they all rush towards it, but of course cannot go through. However, one patient sits still in the back with a smile on his face. He has not moved at all. The doctor thinks he must be cured. He then asks the patient why he did not rush to the door, and the patient whispers, "They don't know that I'm the one who has the key."
Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar. The first says to the second, "I think I've lost an electron." The second replies, "Are you sure?" to which the first retorts, "Yes, I'm positive."
A ham sandwich walks into a bar. The bartender says, "Sorry, we don't serve lunch here."
A guy walks into a bar with a piece of asphalt under his arm. He asks the bartender for a beer, and one for the road.
I bought shoes from a drug dealer. I don't know what he laced them with but I've been tripping all day.
A mentally challenged man walks up to this guy and asks, "Can you help me? I'm trying to spell the word 'orange.'" The guy responds, "What a retard, didn't your mom teach you?" The man answers, "No." "Ever?" says the guy. "No," responds the mentally challenged man. The guy responds, "Okay, which one are you trying to spell, the color or the fruit?"
The "Buffalo Theory" of beer. A herd of buffalo can move only as fast as the slowest buffalo. When the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members. In much the same way the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, we all know, kills brain cells, but naturally it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine. That's why you always feel smarter after a few beers, and that's why beer is so good for you!
Good morning everyboomie.
Hump Day already?
We had lots of rain fall today. It fell down, and piled up.
It didn't start till about 2:30, but it didn't stop till about 5:30.
We may get a little more tomorrow, not sure. 60% chance though.
Hopefully something's getting washed up.
I think I need to wear snow shoes to walk in my yard and not sink. It's so wet and spongy.
Have a happy day everyone.