We are just an advanced breed of monkeys on a minor planet of a very average star. But we can understand the Universe. That makes us something very special.
~Stephen Hawking~
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Patient to his doctor: I have forgotten so many things lately, and it’s getting worse. What can I do?
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Doctor: Yes, this is a known illness, unfortunately it has no cure. I’d also like to remind you about the $800 that you owe me!
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A camel meets an elephant. The elephant asks jokingly: “Why do you have two breasts on your back?” The camel replies: “Well....with a face like yours, I believe I’d just mind my own business.”
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Father: “Son, you were adopted.”
Son: “What?! I knew it! I want to meet my biological parents!”
Father: “We are your biological parents. Now pack up, your new parents will pick you up in 20 minutes.”
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"Mom, how come I still didn’t get my period? I mean I’m already 19 and Janet got hers when she was just 13!"
"Listen to me, Brian. We're not having this conversation again!"
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Excuse me, didn’t you forget to flush the toilet?
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I guess so, otherwise it wouldn’t stink like that, would it?
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Don’t you hate it when you come to somebody’s place and they just can’t shut up asking you stupid questions like “what do you want” and “who are you” and “omg is that a real gun?”
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My neighbor came at me really aggressively, asking if I knew anything about her underwear disappearing from her clothes line.
"Absolutely not!" I told her. "Maybe if your bought them one size larger it wouldn't happen."
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Judge: “Why did you steal the car?”
Man: “I had to get to work.”
Judge: “Why didn’t you take the bus?”
Man: I don’t have a license to drive the bus.
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In a bakery:
Man to the shop assistant: “I’ll have that thing there, please.”
Shop assistant: “Cupcake?”
Man: “OK, Cupcake, I’ll have that thing there, please.”
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Two mice meet and start chatting. “Look,” says one after a while, “I’ve got a new boyfriend!” and shows a picture on the mobile phone.
“OMG,” cries the other mouse, “that’s a bat!”
“What?! The guy told me he was a pilot!”
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I’ve read so many horrible things about drinking and smoking recently that I've decided for my New Year's Resolution I'm giving up reading.
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Some nice Chinese couple gave me a very good camera down by the Washington Monument.
I didn’t really understand what they were saying, but it was very nice of them.
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A guy goes to the doctor: “Please help me doc. I have this horrible blinking in my right eye that I just can’t control.”
Doctor: “Ah come on, it’s not so bad as you think.”
Guy: “Oh, you think?! Every time I go to the pharmacy to get some painkillers, they give me condoms!”
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A cannibal is invited to a teambuilding week in the mountains.
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The instructions say he can also bring one friend.
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But when he arrives, he brings ten people. The organizer is shocked: “Come on Alan, what the heck, the invitation said you can only bring one person!”
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"Yeah, but it also said bring your own food”
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At a psychiatric ward: “Doctor, what should we do with the new guy in room 6? He believes he’s a wolf.”
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Doctor: “Whatever you do, don’t let his grandmother visit!”
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Hey Sue, what do you say to a nice walk?
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Oh Harry, that would be lovely!
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Wonderful. Could you bring me some beer and cigarettes on your way back?
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Last night a Chinese guy came to my favorite bar.
I asked him if he knew Kung Fu or some other martial art.
He said, “Why do you ask me that? Is it just because I’m Chinese?!”
“No it’s because you’re drinking MY beer!“
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Good morning everyboomie.
Welcome to the weekend/part 2.
We had an absolutely perfect day here.......once it warmed up enough.
It would have been awesome to be at the sod farm, but I didn't go.
We have an 80% chance for rain tomorrow, so I decided it might be a better idea to wait and see what kind of rain we do get, and then maybe go out there Monday or Tuesday.
So instead, I went to Walmart for some stuff, and then to Lowe's for some stuff, and then back home.
After taking Missy parking, I came home and mowed the lawn. Actually I mowed the weeds, which were already turning my lawn into a jungle.
Then I got my spreader, and I spread weed & feed over my yard. Hopefully we'll get a good rain tomorrow and water it in.
Then I went over the whole yard and sprayed it with Weed-B-Gone.
After all that, I wuz plum tuckered out.
Have a great day everyone.
joe
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witter
), and I'm planning on getting a lot of practice in.
