Whatever possession we gain by our sword cannot be sure or lasting, but the love gained by kindness and moderation is certain and durable.
~Alexander the Great~
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Nothing is on fire. It is fire that is on things. And you can put fire out by putting the right things on fire.
What if every country has its own ninjas but we only know about the Japanese ninjas because they are the worst?
Is there another term for ‚thesaurus‘?
Horror movies become much less scary when you support the bad guy.
Babysitters are teenagers who behave like grown-ups so that grown-ups can go out and behave like teenagers.
Do you look up sometimes and watch the stars? Well who is to say you aren’t looking down at the stars with only gravity holding you back from the fall into the abyss?
Flushing in public toilets should be done by a foot pedal.
I’m more careful driving my car when there’s food on the passenger seat than when there is a human being.
History is a sequence of firsts. The first guy to [blip] in a toilet, the first person to make mac ‘n cheese, the first person to enjoy bacon.
The answer to the question if the glass is half full or half empty depends on whether the glass has just been filled up or emptied.
A cold seat in a public restroom is unpleasant. But a warm seat in a public restroom is worse. Hunger is simply a side effect of food withdrawal.
Are people saying you’re short? They’re really saying it’s a pity there isn’t more of you.
It will be super easy for those born in the year 2000 to state their age.
Do vampires drink blood in order to get vitamin D because their vampirism doesn’t allow them to go in the sun which would produce vitamin D?
What if humans are the true pets and cats have trained us to give them food and scratch them?
“Where are you?” is a question that’s never been asked in sign language.
My lips don't touch when I say the word 'touch'. My lips do touch when I say the word 'separate'.
My right elbow is and will remain untouched by my right hand.
Every single thing in this world is either a motorbike or not a motorbike.
Will lots of fat friends make me look thinner?
Prunes are dried-up plums. So prune juice doesn’t really exist.
People laugh that an elephant would be scared by a mouse. But think how most people react to spiders.
Firetrucks should really be called watertrucks.
Belt is the most disgusting item of clothing. People always touch it right after they’ve used the bathroom, but nobody ever washes it.
Why does every numeric keypad contain a Num Lock? I’ve never come across a situation where I would benefit from turning off my numeric pad…
Why can’t we have toothpaste in soap dispensers? Maybe the reason you think your washing machine is only eating single socks is that you wouldn’t really notice if it ate a whole pair.
No-one has ever been in an empty room.
The feeling when your socks are soaking wet must be similar to what it feels like for a cat to get its fur wet.
Every 130 years, the Earth is inhabited by a totally new set of humans.
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Good morning everyboomie.
I've just been in the bathroom washing my belt.
We had just an awesome day today, and now I'm looking out my window at a glorious sun shining down on my very green lawn, which is needing to be mowed......again. Awww Summer.
I thought about going out and mowing it for two seconds.
What would I have to do this weekend?
I still have water in the bar ditch anyway.
Whew! My fingers are getting really tired of typing.
Have a happy day everyone.
joe
acebook
witter
I'll also have to get some practice in, of course. 
