Dog - a kind of additional or subsidiary Deity designed to catch the overflow and surplus of the world's worship.
~Ambrose Bierce~
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How can they call it "Alcoholics Anonymous" when the first thing you do is you stand up and say,
‘My name is John and I am an alcoholic’?
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Smile and the world smiles with you. F*art and the world suddenly stops smiling.
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Pessimist: "Things just can't get any worse!"
Optimist: "Nah, of course they can!"
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A nice old lady on a bus offers the driver some peanuts. He’s happy to take some. He asks her after a while why she isn’t having any herself.
“Oh, young man,” she says, “they’re too hard on my poor teeth, I couldn’t.”
“Why did you buy them at all then?” wonders the driver.
“You see, I just love the chocolate they’re covered in!”
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A snowman sniffs, “Hm, funny, I smell carrots…”
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A mom shark is teaching her son how to hunt swimmers properly.
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“So, first you go and circle them making sure your fin is showing. And then you go at them full blast and eat them.”
“OK, but why don’t I just go at them full blast and eat them right away?”
“I guess you could, son, but would you really want to eat them before the empty all that poop from their intestines?”
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Two men are discussing their lives. One says, "I’m getting married. I’m sick of a messy apartment, dirty dishes, and no clothes to wear." The other one says, "Hey, I’m getting divorced for the same reasons."
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Two fortune tellers meet. First one says, “We’re going to have a hot summer again.” The second one sighs happily: “Yes, it reminds me of the summer in 2092…”
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A stutterer walks in to a doctor’s office and says, “Doc-c-c-tor, my s-s-s-stuttering is a real p-p-pain in the n-n-neck, please help.”
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The doctor examines him and finally finds the root of the problem: “Well, Mr Denby, the thing is, your pecker is too big and takes up too much blood that would normally go in the brain. We have to operate and take at least a half of it off.”
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A month after the operation the stutterer comes back for a check-up and sighs, “Doctor, it really helped my stuttering and that is a relief. But my wife is very unhappy with the situation. Could the amputated bit be sewn back on, please?”
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Doctor: “Sorry, but n-n-n-n-no.”
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What’s a state clerk’s favorite day of the week?
Tuesday. There’s no point starting anything new so shortly before the weekend.
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My brother went to jail. He didn't take it very well. He was yelling insults and
attacking everyone, he even threw his feces on the wall. I don't think we will play Monopoly with him again.
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Late one night a robber wearing a mask stopped a well-dressed man and stuck a gun in his ribs. "Give me your money," he demanded. Scandalized, the man replied, "You can’t do this – I’m a US Congressman!" "Oh! In that case," smiled the robber, "Give me MY money!"
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An almost hysterical man calls 911 and yells, "Please come quickly! Kailey is pregnant and her labor started now, it’s really intense!"
"Is this her first child?" asks the operator.
"No you dumbass! It’s her husband!"
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Good morning everyboomie.
There's got to be a morning after, and I think this is it.
If yesterday was the day before, then this is indeed the morning after.
I'll try and get some pictures for you and post them, so you'll know I'm not pulling your leg.
If you have any questions at all please direct them to my corporate office at www.Joe'sDinerInc.
Have a happy day everyone.
joe
acebook
witter
Hope you have a great day.
Hope the two weeks don't seem to last too long, and you get to relax soon!
It's going to be the last one in quite some time, as things are about to get hectic in the upcoming weeks. Not looking forward to it, but at least I'll get bigger paychecks out of it, so that's something. 
