There is no king of golf. Never has been, never will be. Golf is the most democratic game on Earth... It punishes and exalts us all with splendid equal opportunity.
~Arnold Palmer~
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I told my wife she was drawing her eyebrows too high. She looked surprised to hear it.
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Q: Why did God create Adam first and Eve as second?
A: Because he wasn’t interested in listening to anyone telling him how to make Adam.
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A boy asked his father, "Dad, how much does it cost to get married?"
Father grimly replied, "I wouldn’t know son, I'm still not done paying for it."
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A mother thinks there’s something strange going on and eventually decides to take a DNA test.
She finds out that their child is actually not related to her or her husband at all.
Wife: "Darling, there’s something really important that we need to talk about. I did a DNA test and Roger isn't our biological child."
Husband: "Of course he isn’t, don’t you remember? We were just leaving the hospital and the baby pooped hugely so you told me, ‘Go and change the baby, I’ll wait here.’”
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I haven’t spoken a word to my wife in years. She hates to be interrupted.“
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Oh, I didn’t expect you at work today Mr. Brundy, isn’t it your
mother-in-law’s funeral today?”
“Well you know how it is.Work first, then fun.”
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Mom, what does the stork do once he’s delivered the baby?
He lies on the couch, drinks beer, watches TV, burps and f*arts.
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“What the hell, are you insane?!”
„What? Why? I thought we agreed we’re going to throw our sorrows overboard on this Caribbean cruise!”
“Yes, Roger, but that was my mother!”
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A neighbor comes to Mr Myer and says, “Your dog bit my mother in law!”
Mr Myer is horrified and apologizes, adding sadly, “You’ll probably be wanting financial recompense, won’t you?”
“Absolutely not!” smiles the neighbor, “I’ll give you $10 grand for the dog!”
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She: "Honey, I don't like you with the new glasses on."
He: "But sweetheart, I don't wear any glasses."
She: "True, but I do."
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A wife hangs up after about a half-hour on the phone.
The husband is surprised, "Wow, that was quick - usually you women are at it for two hours at least!"
"Yeah, well, it was a wrong number."
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My wife told me to go and get something that would make her look sexy. So I got drunk.
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Quote:
"Some people ask the secret of our long marriage.
We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays."
Henry Youngman
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A man and a woman are having a date.
The woman remarks, “You know, you look totally like my third husband!”
The man is startled and asks, “Really, Laura, how many times have you been married?!”
“Twice.”
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A woman says, I don’t know what he’s complaining about. I made him a millionaire!
And what was he before?
A billionaire
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My wife wants to talk to me about my childish behavior.
-
Well, she may want all she likes, but she’s not getting inside my pillow castle without a password!
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Good morning everyboomie.
Hump Day already?
Well Tuesday was another fantastic day here, and at least I didn't do what I did Monday.
That's because I already did it Monday. No need to do it again.
I had to spend most of the morning on the phone with UPS, and then with AT&T to complain about how I can't talk to UPS because of how poor my phone signal is.
In the end we came to an agreement that my phone signal sucks, and probably always will.
After all the morning's pleasantries, I took my truck to the car wash did what people do at the car wash. Then I came home and cleaned out the inside.
Now I have a gleaming clean truck to cruise around town, and pick up chicks.
Which is exactly why I bought a 'pick-up' truck.
Have a happy day everyone.
joe
acebook
witter
Joe! Do you have one of 
