Most children threaten at times to run away from home. This is the only thing that keeps some parents going.
~Phyllis Diller~
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I always take too long to notice when somebody’s flirting with me. Usually by the time I catch on, the person is married with 4 kids.
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My wife packed up my bags and told me to get the hell out and never come back.
As I was walking to my car, she yelled at me from the door,
"I hope you die a slow and horrible death, you moron!"
"Wow," I said, "so I should come back?"
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When did you get to know your wife?
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Sadly, about a week after the wedding.
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My wife came to me all happy, saying, “Look darling, you got me this 40 years ago on our honeymoon, and it still fits!”
I love her so I let it pass. It was a scarf.
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My girlfriend said she expected me to treat her like a princess.
Very well, I married her to a weird guy old enough to be her grandpa to strengthen my business alliance with Germany.
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A woman is at a doctor after her husband’s check-up.
The doctor looks serious and says, “Mrs Connelly, your husband is very sick. He needs to rest and not get upset. I will prescribe you some sleeping pills.”
“Ok,” nods Mrs Connelly, “and how often should he take those?”
“Oh, they’re not for him, Mrs Connelly, they’re for you.”
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My wife asked me how many women I slept with so far. I said, “Only you, my darling, only you. I was awake with all the rest of them.”
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My wife was complaining that only women are capable of doing more than one thing at once and how unfair that was.
So I told her to just shut the heck up and walk away.
Yep, you guessed it. She couldn’t manage either.
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Husband leaves the house with the dog.
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Wife asks: "Are you taking the donkey for a walk?"
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Husband: "You mean the dog, right?"
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Wife: "No, I am talking to the dog!"
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That awkward moment, one year into your marriage, when you realize the husband-wife jokes weren’t all jokes…
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Son: "Is this insecticide good for mosquitos?"
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Dad: "Not at all, it kills them!"
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I’ll call you later!”
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“Please don’t do that. I’ve always asked you to call me Dad!”
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“Are you alright dad?”'
“Actually, technically, I’m half left and half right.”
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"Hey dad how was your weekend?" - "Light, dark, light, dark, Monday."
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Dad to his son: "I like you. You remind me of myself when I was young and dumb.
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"Daughter to her dad: "What is it?"
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Dad: “It” is a pronoun.
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You: “So, dad, I was thinking…”
Dad: “Ohhhhh and I wondered what that high-pitched grinding sound was!”
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Dad: Would you like to hear a construction joke?
[Yes]
Dad: Well I’m still working on it.
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Ah dads. You gotta love us huh?We are the Kings of Korn.
Good morning everyboomie.
Time for the weekend part 2.
Part one was pretty darned chilly and windy. I finally went out at about 3:00 and walked Missy around the block. No way I was driving out to the park.
Sunday will be warmer, and only 18mph wind, so maybe, just maybe I'll go to the sod farm.
So I await with bated breath until that time.
Have a happy day everyone.
joe
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witter
, hope you have a good nights sleep venus. 
Happy Sunday all! We are floating away here! My backyard is turning into a lake with the nonstop rain. 
