“I like holding the door for people who are far away, you know so they have to run a little.”
–
~Bill Murray~
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Dark HumorA man wakes from a coma. The wife changes out of her black clothes and irritated, remarks, "I really cannot depend on you for anything, can I!"
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A man walks into a shop and sees a very handsome dog. He asks the shop assistant, “Does your dog bite?”
“No, my dog doesn’t bite.”
The man happily tries to pet the dog, but the dog attacks him viciously. A little later he stumbles to the shop clerk, “Hey, you said your dog doesn’t bite!”
The shop clerk shrugs, “He doesn’t. But that wasn’t my dog.”
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My wife and I have reached a decision that we do not want children. If anybody does please just send me your contact details and we can drop them off tomorrow.
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My ex had an accident. I told the paramedics the wrong blood type for her.
Finally she’ll experience what rejection is really like.
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Sparkly water was invented by the Germans. Who else would think of adding gas?
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On a mountain trip a man falls down into a crack. His wife calls after him, “Are you OK?”
“Yeah!”
“Are you hurt?”
“No!”
“Not a scratch? How come?!“
“I’m not done falling yeeeeeeeeeeeeet!”
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I called a suicide hotline in Iraq..
They got excited and asked if I could drive a truck.
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An 87-year-old man chats with his doctor: “So, I'm getting married again next week, doc!”
“Oh, that’s wonderful! And how old is the bride?”
“She’s 19.”
“That’s fantastic – but I have to warn you, too much action in the bed can be deadly!”
“Ah well, if she dies, I’ll just have to find a younger one won't I?”
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Son comes into the kitchen, visibly shaken. The father asks him what happened.
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“Dad, I’m so sorry, I shot Grandma by mistake!”
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“Are you insane?! We’ve still got half of Grandpa left in the freezer!“
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My friend surprised me for my birthday with a book called ‘Road-Kill Recipes’. I did find some road-kill the other day, so I cooked it according to one recipe and it was delicious. I’m just not sure what I should do with the bicycle.
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Patient: "Doctor! Doctor! Help me - I cannot feel my legs!"
Doctor: "Don’t panic, that’s perfectly normal. It’s because I amputated your arms!"
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Congratulations on your 60th birthday! At last you can live undisturbed by life insurance agents!
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My girlfriend wanted a marriage just like a fairy tale.
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Fair enough. I gave her a loaf of bread and left her in the forest.
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What animal has five legs?
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A pitbull returning from a playground.
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The doctor gave me one year to live. So in the heat of the moment, I shot him. And the judge gave me 15 years. Problem solved.
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Excuse me, how do I get to the hospital quickly?
Just stand in the middle of the road for a while.
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Good morning everyboomie.
Hump Day already?
I get another early wake up today, so I can take my truck in to get the seats covered.
Unfortunately I've woke up at 4:30 Tuesday, so it was a long day there.
I'm sure I'll make up for that with a nice long nap somewhere.
We hit 80 degrees Tuesday, and today is supposed to be 59 degrees and rainy. That's crazy man!
Have a happy day everyone.
joe
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I'm hoping tomorrow's 5 store "adventure" is considerably shorter. 
Hope work is going well for you.
