I once made love for an hour and fifteen minutes, but it was the night the clocks are set ahead.
~Garry Shandling~
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Black Humor / Dark JokesI was hiking once with my girlfriend. Suddenly a huge brown bear was charging at us, really mad. We must have come close to her cubs. Luckily I had my 9mm pistol with me. One shot to my girlfriend's kneecap was all it took. I could walk away at a comfortable pace.
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You know you're ugly when you get handed the camera every time they make a group photo.
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Even people who are good for nothing have the capacity to bring a smile to your face, for instance when you push them down the stairs.
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A priests asks the convicted murderer at the electric chair, "Do you have any last requests?”
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"Yes," replies the murderer. "Can you please hold my hand?"
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Wow, honey, I never thought our son would go that far!
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Yeah, the catapult is really amazing. Go get our daughter!
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“You da bomb!”
“No, you da bomb!”
In America – a compliment. In the Middle East – an argument.
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Oh daddy, I love you so much!
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Hey, until we get the DNA test, I’m just Harry to you!
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At a first date:
He: “I work with animals every day!”
She: “Oh how sweet! What is it that you do?”
He: “I’m a butcher.”
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How can you tell your acne is really starting to get out of hand?
The blind start reading your face.
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"Madam, your son just called me ugly!"
The mother apologizes shamefacedly, "I'm so sorry, I must have told him like a thousand times it is wrong to judge people just from how they look..."
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One man's trash is another Man's treasure? Wonderful saying, horrible way to find out that you were adopted.
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I finally got one of those roof boxes for the car. It's very practical. I can barely hear my kids now.
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A box of condoms, please.
That’ll be 3,99. Do you want a bag with it?
Nah I’m OK. She’s actually quite pretty.
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What do you get when you cross a bunny and a Rottweiler?
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Just the Rottweiler with a full stomach.
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Where exactly are you taking me, doctor?"
"To the morgue."
"What? But I’m not dead yet!"
"And we’re not there yet."
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My old aunts would come and tease me at weddings, “Well Sarah? Do you think you’ll be next?”
We’ve settled this quickly once I’ve started doing the same to them at funerals.
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I took my grandma to a fish spa center where the little fish eat your dead skin for only $45.
It was way cheaper than having her buried in the cemetery.
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Little Johnny tells his friend, "My grandpa died yesterday."
Friend asks, "Oh, how did that happen?"
Johnny, "He hit his thumb with a hammer."
Friend, "But you can't die of that!"
Johnny, "I know but he wouldn't stop screaming and cursing so we had to shoot him."
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After work, I volunteer to help blind children.
Btw – verb, not adjective.
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Patient: Oh Doctor, I’m starting to forget things.
Doctor: How long have you had this condition?
Patient: What condition?
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It is interesting how different nations have their dogs make different sounds.
An American dog goes Woof, a Czech dog goes Haf, a Dutch dog goes Blaf and a Chinese dog goes Sizzle
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What do you call a dog with no legs?
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Doesn’t really matter what you call him, he won’t come anyway.
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Why are orphans unable to play baseball?
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They’ve never known what home is.
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“Siri, why am I still single?!”
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Siri activates front camera.
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Good morning everyboomie.
Well this week is just whizzing bye.
One day down....a few more to go.
I get to drive all the way down to Ft Worth this morning, just to have an upper GI procedure to find out what's giving me so much heart burn.
It's a two hour drive, which means early to bed, early to wake up the neighbors cursing.
Gonna feel almost like I'm back at Lowe's.
I spent a lot of time Monday cleaning my truck up, and while I was in town I found someone who will install my leather seat covers, so Wednesday morning I drop it off to get that done. Yahoo!!
Wishing everyone a happy day.
joe
acebook
witter
Hope you have a great Tuesday. 
My cats could at least offer to take one or two of them off my hands. 
, Hi Ana 
and Soot 
hope you all have a 
She laughed too. Waiting for the next fun chapter.
and venus