I told my dentist my teeth are going yellow. he told me to wear a brown tie.
~Rodney Dangerfield~
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Dark Humor 
If you need to break up with somebody, the best place to do so is McDonalds. There are no plates or glasses to be broken over your head, no sharp knives or spiky forks, plus you can always hide behind a fat kid.
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Patient: Doctor, I’m starting to forget things.
Doctor: I understand.
Patient: Understand what?
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Give a man a match, and he'll be warm for a few hours.
Set him on fire, and he will be warm for the rest of his life.
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There is nothing more depressing than a failed suicide attempt
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What is brown, small, and smells of caramel?
A diabetic who’s been struck by lightning.
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I visited my new friend in his flat. He told me to make myself at home. So I threw him out. I really value my privacy.
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My Chinese friend got really sick one day and had to go to a hospital.
I went to see him the next day, but he just kept whispering “Chun Yu Yan” over and over – and then died.
I was very sad and googled his last message after the burial. Apparently, it means “You’re standing on my oxygen tube.”
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A magician comes to a seniors' home for entertainment afternoon: "Aaaaand? Is everybody heeere?"
Seniors, enthusiastically, "Yeaaaah!"
Magician, winking, "But not for looooong.....!"
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- Mommy, mommy, I found daddy!
- How often do I have to tell you not to dig around in the back yard!
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That moment when you notice that one fork isn’t really very clean when you’re laying the table and you have to decide which family member you like the least.
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Woman at a maternity hospital is in a lot of pain, moaning. The man strokes her back, “I’m so sorry sweetheart that you have to endure this…”
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She replies: “Don’t worry Steve, it’s not your fault.”
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What are you looking at when you see two homeless dudes hitting each other with bits of cardboard?
A pillow fight
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Famous last words of a bomb disposal expert?
"Yes, the red wire."
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Doctor: “You look much worse than you did last week! I said you should smoke a maximum of five cigarettes a day!”
Patient: “And that’s what I did. And it wasn’t easy because up until now I didn’t smoke at all!”
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Imagine the Earth would spin 10 times faster – you’d get your salary every day and the women would bleed to death.
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If you see me smiling, I'm probably thinking of doing something evil.
If I’m laughing, I've already done it.
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Latest news: Local Leprosy Awareness Society Fell Apart.
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Doctor, please, my son ate some cement. What can I do?
First of all, don't give him anything to drink.
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Join the Army, meet some fascinating people, then kill them.
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Good morning everyboomie.
FRIDAY!!!! Need I say more?
Ok well Thursday here could not have been any nicer. I ran to town and ran some errands, and then took Missy to the park, and then came back home and mowed the lawn.
Later on I took Missy for a walk.
No I'm not getting forgetful. It was our second walk.
I can't remember what I did for the rest of the day.
Time for some dinner now.
Have a happy day everyone.
joe
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