“Fish who are caught and released are like the aquatic equivalent of people who claim to have been abducted by aliens.”
–
~Bill Murray~
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Guest at a restaurant: “I refuse to eat this roastbeef. Please call the manager! “
Waiter: “That’s no use. He won’t eat it either.”
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I thought I’d tell you a good time travel joke – but you didn't like it.
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So much has changed since my girlfriend told me we’re having a baby. For instance my name, address and telephone number!
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I heard a report about a bad outbreak of the tummy bug, apparently 9 out of 10 people there suffered from diarrhea. I can’t stop thinking about that tenth person who apparently enjoyed it.
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“You are so kind, funny and beautiful.”
“Oh come on. You just want to get me to bed.”
“And smart, too!”
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Q: What do politicians and diapers have in common?
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A: Both should be changed regularly, and both for the same reason.
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A husband and a wife sit at the table, having dinner. The woman drops a bit of tomato sauce on her white top. "Och, I look like a pig!"
The man nods, "And you dropped tomato sauce on your top!"
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A woman in a bikini reveals about 90% of her body.... and yet most men are so polite they only look at the covered parts.
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What goes up and down but never moves?
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The stairs!
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Little Johnny asks his father:
"Where does the wind come from?"
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"I don't know."
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"Why do dogs bark?"
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"I don't know."
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"Why is the earth round?"
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"I don't know."
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"Does it disturb you that I ask so much?"
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"No son. Please ask. Otherwise you will never learn anything."
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Three guys are stranded in a desert. By a stroke of luck, they find a magic genie lamp.
The genie grants each of them one wish.
The first guy wishes to be back home. Wish granted.
The second guy wishes the same. Wish granted.
The third guy says, "It feels very lonely here now, I wish my friends were with me…” Wish granted.
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They threw me out of the cinema today for bringing my own food. But come on – the prices are way too high, plus I haven’t had a barbecue in months.
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Two guys are out hunting in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn’t appear to be breathing, his eyes are glazed over. The other man pulls out his phone with trembling fingers and calls 911. He gasps, "My friend is dead! What can I do?"
The operator says "Please stay calm. I will help you. First of all, let's make sure he's dead."
There’s a silence, then a gun shot. The guy gets back on the phone and says "OK, now what?"
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I‘ve decided to run a marathon for charity. I didn’t want to do it at first, but apparently it’s for blind and disabled kids so I think I’ve got a good chance of winning.
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Good morning Boomers.
It's a brand new day that's never ever been done before.
Unlike yesterday, which was so over done.....and over now.
There are some great jokes I've posted for your reading pleasure, and if you'd like to hear a good joke then read them out loud.
The little voices in my head force me to read everything out loud anyway.
They tell me some pretty darn good jokes too.
I'm trying to train them to sing me lullabies every night.
They're pretty good except for one that always sings off key.
Have a happy day everyone.
Go to sleep, go to sleep...
joe
acebook
witter
Sleep well.
Scarlett