The odds of going to the store for a loaf of bread and coming out with only a loaf of bread are three billion to one.
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~Erma Bombeck~
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My girlfriend says that I am snoopy. But OK, maybe she meant it differently when she wrote it in her diary.
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Waiter, I am outraged. There is one hair in my soup.
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And what do you expect for this price? A whole wig?!
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I got another letter from this lawyer today. It said “Final Notice”. Good that he will not bother me anymore.
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Daddy what is a transvestite?
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Ask Mommy, he knows.
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Q: Is Google a he or a she?
A: A she, no doubt, because it won‘t let you finish your sentence without suggesting other ideas.
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Today I went to a barber’s shop for a shave. The barber asked me to put a small wooden ball in my mouth so he could get a closer shave around my cheeks.
I asked: “But what if I swallow the ball?”
He replied: “No problem sir, you just bring it back tomorrow like everybody else.”
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What is see-through and smells of carrots?
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A rabbit f*art.
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An optimist sees light at the end of a tunnel and thinks it’s an exit.
A pessimist sees light at the end of a tunnel and assumes it is an onrushing train.
The train conductor sees two stupid guys staggering on train tracks.
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Job interview in a psychiatry:
So you’re interested in working with us. What is your experience with mentally disturbed people?
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I’ve been on Facebook for 5 years now.
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Very good, the job is yours.
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Two men are playing golf. One of them is about to take a swing when a funeral procession appears on the road next to the course. He stops mid-swing, takes off his cap, closes his eyes, and bows his head in contemplation.
His opponent comments: "That must be the most touching thing I’ve ever seen. You are a very feeling man." The man, recovering himself, replies, "Oh yeah, well it's the least I can do. We were married 35 years."
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Doctor: Your test results are showing you'll easily live to be 80.
Patient: But, wait, I am 80 just now.
Doctor: See, I told you to live healthier!
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A woman caught her husband on the weight scale, sucking in his stomach.
“That won’t help you, Joe, you know?”
“Oh it helps a lot,” says the man, “it’s the only way I can see the numbers!”
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Dentist: “This will hurt a little.”
Patient: “OK.”
Dentist: “I’ve been having an affair with your wife for a while now.”
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One state official to the other: "I don't know what people have against us - We haven't done anything."
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Wife arrives home late at night from a business trip and quietly opens the door to her bedroom. But she notices four legs instead of two peeking from under the blanket!
Seized by a fit of rage, she reaches for the baseball bat and starts hitting the blanket until the screaming stops.
Still in shock, she lurches to the kitchen to have a drink. As she enters, she sees her husband there, reading a magazine.
"Oh welcome home darling," he says, "my parents came for a visit, so I let them have our bedroom. I hope you said hello."
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Don’t be sad when a bird poops on your head. Be happy that elephants can’t fly.
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Good morning everyboomie.
Welcome to the weekend!
I didn't make it to the sod farm Friday. Woke up to rain.
Guess where I'll be going this morning.
It's going up to the low 80s, but I'll get out there early, and in this case, hopefully there will be some wind to temper the temperature.
Whatever you have planned for the day, have a happy one.
joe
acebook
witter
at the farm, Joe!
How about your weekend? Any plans?
Ana I'm sorry to hear shadow is not doing well. He must be getting pretty old. 
Venus Happy Birthday in advance! Hope you can make it a long Birthday weekend! 
Taintedfury have a great day! 
Coffee and tea are ready to go along with connie's delicious breakfast!
Have a wonderful day. Boomers! 
, Hello to connie 
and scarletdragon 
.
