“If you ever feel unattractive, just remember that you look like your ancestors and all of them got laid.”
–
~Bill Murray~
`````````````
I sniffed some Coke when I was a teenager, just to see what it’s like, but the bubbles were just too unpleasant in my nose.
```````
The stationary shop moved. It really surprised me.
```````
“My career is in ruins.” – Herbert Dillgrin, archaeologist
`````
A verb, a preposition, an article, and a noun walk into a bar.
````
Which US state has rounded ends and is high in the middle?
-
OhiO.
``````
What did one DNA ask another DNA?
-
Do you think these genes make my bum look fat?
`````
What does a dyslexic insomniac confused about religion do?
He lies wide awake at night staring at the ceiling, trying to figure out if there’s a dog.
`````
I’m a superb multitasker. I’ve no problem wasting time, money and life’s opportunities all at the same time!
``````
An optician is training a new shop assistant and gives him the rules. “It’s all about proper behavior, proper way of speaking, Joe.
Putting in the right pauses in your speech is crucial, too. For instance, the customer enquires about a pair of glasses. You say ‘It’s fifty dollars’ and you make a pause.
If the customer looks OK, you continue, ‘for the rims. The lenses are ten dollars” and if the customer still looks fine, you continue, ‘each.’”
````
I find it so pretentious when students of engineering call themselves engineers…
It’s not like medical students walk around calling themselves doctors or liberal arts students referring to themselves as unemployed.
`````
Can you be stood up by a guy in a wheel chair?
`````
Unsuspecting, I opened the door for a feminist. The court hearing is scheduled for next Monday.
`````
Who the hell is Rorschach and why did he paint so many pictures of my mother-in-law?!
``````
Dyslexia killed a vampire hunter one sad night when he attacked a vampire with a steak.
`````
How can you get a really good dinner for just one dollar?
Buy a deck of cards.
``````
So when did you start working for this company?
The moment they told me I have to pick up my performance or I’m history.
``````
What does your ex and slinky have in common? It’s fun to watch either fall down the stairs.
```````
Office meeting. A gathering that wastes hours, yet keeps minutes.
````
So, I don’t know what ‘apocalypse’ mean – what’s the big deal? It’s not the end of the world.
`````
I’m a pro at sleeping. I could do it with my eyes closed.
``````
Apple just posted on their Facebook page that their store got robbed. They’re looking for iWitnesses.
````
I’m a huge fan of 50Cent, or, as he’s known in Poland, Hundred Million Zloty.
``````
Thesaurus – a place to find a clever-sounding replacement for a word people would otherwise actually understand.
````````
Good morning everyboomie.
Friday is upon us. How about that?
I was really kinda hoping for a longer week.
I'm easing myself into this hotter weather. I washed my truck this morning, and I mowed half the yard this evening.
In between I watched my ceiling fan go around and around.
Good thing I was laying down or I might have fallen off my couch.
Have a happy day everyone.
joe
acebook
witter
Hope you get the weather you want.
I can remember our teacher's telling us that we'd have shorter weeks in the future because technology would free up our work time and allow for more leisure time. They were wrong 
L4L