Wouldn’t exercise be more fun if calories screamed while you burned them?“
–
~Bill Murray~
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Wife sends a text message to her husband on a really cold winter morning: Windows are totally frozen, will not open.
Husband replies: “Carefully pour some warm water over it and tap the edges first with your hand, if that doesn’t work, then gently with a hammer.”
15 minutes later, the wife texts back: “Oh no, I think the laptop is now totally gone.”
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The most successful wives don’t just randomly select their husbands. They pick them. Clean to the bone.
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My new wife left me because of my huge insecurity problems.
Oh no, hang on, she’s back. She just went to the bathroom!
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My friend got herself a puppy. It’s so incredibly cute and playful! Unfortunately her husband is allergic so it really doesn’t work out.
If you’re interested, please send a message. His name is Jack & he’s 54 years old and he weighs 216 pounds.
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Judge: Why on Earth did you hit your husband with a chair?
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Wife: Well, the table was too heavy.
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‘Darling, would you save me if I jumped into the water?'
‘Honey, if I say yes, will you jump?'
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If I died, would you marry again?
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Oh darling, of course I wouldn’t. I’d go and live with my sister. And if I died, would you remarry?
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No, I think I’d go and live with your sister too.
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A fortune teller asks a woman: “So, you came to know your husband’s future?”
“No way, tell me about his past, then I’ll decide about his future!!”
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If it's true that girls will probably marry men who resemble their fathers, it would explain why so many mothers cry at weddings.
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Good news: Your wife is pregnant, yay!
Bad news: She’s expecting triplets.
Terrible news: You’ve had vasectomy…
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Good news: Your wife won’t talk to you.
Bad news: She wants a divorce.
Terrible news: She’s a lawyer…
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A woman visits a well-known witch. She asks the witch if she has something to help her break a curse that was cast against her about 8 years ago. The witch asks, “What sort of a curse was it, then?” The woman said, “It went, ‘I now pronounce you man and wife’.
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”If you and I were on a sinking ship, and there was but one life vest... I cannot express how much I would miss you.
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They say a minute of laughter adds five minutes to your life.
That explains why God, after having created Man, lives forever.
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Good morning everyboomie.
Well hey hey, it's Thurs-day. In case you didn't know.
Don't call me Captain Obvious!!
I say whatever comes into my head, and very often there's not a lot in there.
.......like now
Give me a minute....
Maybe longer......
Listen why don't you all have a fantastic Thursday, and we'll meet here again in 24.
joe
acebook
witter
I'm not panicking at all! 
I've scheduled next Monday off, so I'll have a 3 day weekend, but I still have to work this Friday. Your weekend will be better than mine. 
I agree, a 7 day week off would be the best case scenario. 
Is the plumber supposed to be there before then?
