“Having a smoking section in a restaurant is like having a peeing section in a pool.”
–
~Bill Murray~
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Husband: “Soon we will be married for 10 years. I will get you a nice new car for our anniversary.”
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Wife: “Oh darling. Nothing would please me more!”
And so the husband got her nothing for the anniversary.
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My wife and I have been married for 43 years and we've never even thought about a divorce. Murder, yes. But divorce, no.
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(In National Geographic narrator voice) Even though at first sight, they may seem cuddly, friendly and sweet, one must not forget that women are still dangerous predators.
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I shouted at my wife while she was in labor: "Push honey! Come on and push! You have to push harder!"
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She said: “Stop talking to me you cretin!”
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Well what did she expect? It's an old car and if she wants to get to the hospital we need to get it started somehow...
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I always take too long to notice when somebody’s flirting with me. Usually by the time I catch on, the person is married with 4 kids.
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My wife packed up my bags and told me to get the hell out and never come back.
As I was walking to my car, she yelled at me from the door,
"I hope you die a slow and horrible death, you moron!"
"Oh," I said, "so now you want me back?"
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When did you get to know your wife?
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Sadly, about a week after the wedding.
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My wife came to me all happy, saying, “Look darling, you got me this 40 years ago on our honeymoon, and it still fits!”
I love her so I let it pass. It was a scarf.
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My girlfriend said she expected me to treat her like a princess.
Very well, I married her to a weird guy old enough to be her grandpa to strengthen my business alliance with Germany.
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A woman is at a doctor after her husband’s check-up.
The doctor looks serious and says, “Mrs Connelly, your husband is very sick. He needs to rest and to not get upset. I will prescribe you some sleeping pills.”
“Ok,” nods Mrs Connelly, “and how often should he take those?”
“Oh, they’re not for him, Mrs Connelly, they’re for you.”
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My wife asked me how many women I slept with so far. I said, “Only you, my darling, only you. I was awake with all the rest of them.”
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Husband leaves the house with the dog.
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Wife asks: "Are you taking the donkey for a walk?"
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Husband: "You mean the dog, right?"
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Wife: "Shush, I am talking to the dog!"
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That awkward moment, one year into your marriage, when you realize the husband-wife jokes weren’t all jokes…
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Good Friday morning everyboomie.
I'm sitting here waiting for the heat to go down, so I can go out and mow the lawn again.
I think I might quit wishing for more rain.
It's almost 90 degrees out there now (6:00).
Beau came over this evening to spend a day with us, so it's a little less boring for Missy.
No plans for my Friday except to go parking with the pups.
Have a happy day everyone.
joe