“I saw that show, 50 Things To Do Before You Die. I would have thought the obvious one was ‘Shout for help’.” -
~Jimmy Carry~
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A female kangaroo scratches her stomach for a while like mad and finally yells, “How often do I have to repeat myself, no cookies in bed!!!”
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Mummy, where where you when I was born?
In the hospital.
And daddy?
At work.
That’s great. So nobody was home when I arrived.
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Little Ernie asks his auntie, “Why do you have such a big tummy, aunt Lisa?”
“Because there’s a baby inside.”
“Do you like babies?”
“Very much!”
“Well I still think it isn’t right to eat them.“
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Little Johnny walks into a pet store and asks the shop assistant: “Could you do me a big favor and throw me a fish please?”
“Why on Earth would you want me to throw you a fish?!”
“Because I want to tell everybody at home that I caught a fish.
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Three bunnies want to jump a wall. First one jumps and clears the wall with a good 4 inch reserve.
The second bunny jumps and makes it over the wall with a 5 inch reserve.
The third bunny jumps and slams headfirst into the wall. When he wakes up, he says, “Hooray! I jumped the highest. I definitely saw some stars.”
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A duck walks into a bar.
It asks the barkeeper: “Do you have bread?”
Bartender: “No.”
Duck: “Do you have bread?”
-
Bartender: “NO!”
-
Duck: “Do you…”
Bartender: “LISTEN! I HAVE NO BREAD AND IF YOU ASK ME ONE MORE TIME, I’M GONNA NAIL YOU TO THAT WALL!!!”
Duck: “Do you have nails?”
Bartender: “NO!”
Duck: “Do you have bread?”
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Two vampires are catching up and one says, “Yeah, I’ve recently become vegan.”
“Seriously?” says the other, “and what do you eat then?”
“Blood oranges.”
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I bet you 125851265228542 dollars that you didn’t bother to read that number. You just cruised right over it, didn’t you? You didn’t even notice I put a letter in it. Well I didn’t – but you went and looked anyway. My, you are quite predictable!
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A boy comes into a butchery and stares at the butcher for at least 5 minutes. Finally the butcher asks, “So why do you stare at me for such a long time, boy?” The boy explains: “My mother wanted to know if you have a pig’s tail or pig’s ears.”
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Two boys are walking outside and one of them finds a hundred dollar bill.
His friend suggests that they should take it to the lost-and-found office.
The boy replies: “No point. This is my mom’s money.”
His friend is startled, “But how can you know that?”
“Because my father keeps saying that my mother is just throwing money out the window.”
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“Your brother is so small!” the neighbor says happily to little Paulie.
“Yeah, he’s only my half-brother.”
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“Have you ever seen a little calf being born?” asks a farmer Little Johnny.
“No, how is it?”
“Well, first come the front legs, then the head, then the shoulders and the body and finally the hind legs.”
“Wow, cool, and how do you put it all together then?”
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The magical goldfish agreed to grant three men a wish each.
The first man wished for a room full of gold.
The second man wished for a room full of diamonds.
The third man wished for keys to those rooms.
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Two pigeons are sitting on a roof, watching a fighter plane streak across the sky leaving a big condensation trail behind it.
“Wow, he seems to be in a hurry,” observes one pigeon.
“And what would you do if your butt was on fire?!”
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A gardener picks up horse droppings off the road. This interests a passerby: “What do you do with the droppings?”
Gardener: “I sprinkle it on my strawberries.”
Passerby: “Funny, we usually use sugar…”
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Good morning everybody.
Monday morning for everyboomie out there.
It's 5:50 here and still 91 degrees, and I'm fixing to go out and do some mowing.
I mowed inside the fence 2 days ago. I really need to mow outside the fence, since we got more rain, and inside the fence already needs mowing again.
That's why I'm getting this posted early early.
I need a gardener.
Have a happy day everyone.
joe
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