An archaeologist is the best husband a woman can have; the older she gets, the more interested he is in her.
-
~Agatha Christie~
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When my baby granddaughter LeeAnn came home from the hospital, the aunts, uncles and cousins were there to greet her.
I showed her cousin Alex the baby and told him, “This is Grandma’s girl.”
Alex replied, “You are not her grandma; she doesn’t even know you.”
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A woman called our airline
customer-service desk asking if she could take her dog on board.
“Sure,” I said, “as long as you provide your own kennel.” I further explained that the kennel needed to be large enough for the dog to stand up, sit down, turn around, and roll over.
The customer was flummoxed:
“I’ll never be able to teach him all of that by tomorrow!”
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Librarians may be shy, but
their patrons aren’t. Look at their oddball requests:
A patron offered me $100 to steal
a cactus from somebody’s yard.
A patron wanted me to find a
book to teach her dog German.
A patron on his way to the casino asked to rub my red hair for luck.
A patron once asked me for my home phone number so she could call me with reference questions when I wasn’t at work.
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Scene: A radio newsroom.
Caller: I just wanted to let you know you’re off the air.
Host: Yes, we know. The engineers are working on it.
Caller: It would be nice if you put something on the air that says that.
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While I was working as a store Santa, a boy asked me for an electric train set. “If you get your train,” I told him, “your dad is going to want to play with it too. Is that all right?”
The boy became very quiet. So, moving the conversation along,
I asked, “What else would you like Santa to bring you?”
He promptly replied, “Another train.”
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Most of our music store customers have a story about their old vinyl collection. Once, a man asked how much a record cost. My coworker quoted him the price, then added, “But there’s a surcharge if we have to listen to how your mother made you throw out all your old vinyl records.”
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Gilding the lily is a job seeker’s birthright. Here are a few doozies, where the applicant claimed …
... to be a former CEO of the company to which he was applying.
... to be fluent in two languages—one of which was pig Latin.
... to be a Nobel Prize winner.
... to have worked in a jail when he was really in there serving time.
... he was fired “on accident.”
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A Twitter exchange between an angry customer and an apologetic Domino’s Pizza:
Customer: Yoooo I ordered a Pizza
& Came with no Toppings on it or anything, Its Just Bread
Domino’s: We’re sorry to hear about this!
Customer (minutes later): Never mind, I opened the pizza upside down
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Mary goes to the post office to buy 50 stamps for her Hanukkah cards. “What denomination?” asks the postal clerk.
Mary thinks a second before
replying, “Give me six Orthodox,
12 Conservative, and 32 Reform.”
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The food at the sandwich shop
I frequent is good, but any deviation from the norm throws the staff. I once told a clerk that I wanted only half a sandwich. His reply: “What am I going to do with the other half?” A week later, when I told another clerk the same thing, she responded, “Do you want the top or the bottom?”
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An ad for a hedge clipper that
I had to read twice: “A built-in safety switch prevents accidental starting, and blades will stop when you take one hand off.”
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I sent a reminder to a client that it was time to visit the eye doctor.
He called back to inform me that he would not be coming in because, as he put it, “I have a new obstetrician.”
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A man called, furious about an Orlando, Florida, vacation package we had booked for him: He was
expecting an ocean-view hotel
room. I explained that was not possible, since Orlando is in the middle of
the state. “Don’t lie to me,” he said.
“I looked on the map, and Florida is a very thin state.”
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I spotted several pairs of men’s Levi’s at a garage sale. They were sizes 30, 31, and 32, but I was looking for size 33. So I asked the owner if he had a pair. He shook his head.
“I’m still wearing the 33s,” he said. “Come back next year.”
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Scene: Horseback-riding stable.
Mom: Those horses are awfully big for my daughter.
Me: Our horses are very sweet ...
Mom: Don’t you have something smaller? What about that one over there? It’s the perfect size for her!
Me: Um … that’s a goat.
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Good morning boys and girls.
Is it Sunday already?
It seems like only yesterday it was Saturday.
Actually yesterday I kept thinking today was Monday instead of Sunday.
M-M-M-My dementia.
It's good though because I planned on grocery shopping on Monday, and now I don't have to do that.
We had more rain Saturday morning. I don't think it was 15 minutes worth, but the grass is loving it.
Hey! Have a happy day everyone.
joe
acebook
witter
Glad you get a break from grocery shopping for a day, anyway. 
Happy Day wished for all! 
and have a wonderful day. 
, Looney good luck with the cable 
, Sorta hope you get rid off your ex and the new mrs soon 
and Soot happy relax time. 
while hubby is at the dentist.
TaintedFury...I'm off to feed dogs too