We’ve begun to long for the pitter-patter of little feet, so we bought a dog. It’s cheaper, and you get more feet.
~Rita Rudner~
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Did you hear about the love affair between sugar and cream? It was icing on the cake.
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Q: Why are Italians so good at making coffee?
A: Because they know how to espresso themselves.
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Q: How are coffee beans like kids?
A: They're always getting grounded!
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If the local coffee shop has awarded you "Employee of the Month" and you don't even work there, you may be drinking too much coffee.
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Q. Why is a bee's hair always sticky?
A. Because it uses a honey comb!
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You would think that taking off a snail's shell would make it move faster, but it actually just makes it more sluggish.
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Q: What is black, white, and red all over?
A: A sunburnt penguin!
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Q. What is the biggest lie in the entire universe?
A. "I have read and agree to the Terms & Conditions."
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Q. What do you call it when you have your mom's mom on speed dial?
A. Instagram.
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Q. What should you do after your Nintendo game ends in a tie?
A. Ask for a Wii-match!
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"I gave up jogging for health reasons. My thighs kept rubbing together and setting my pantyhose on fire."—Judy Franconi
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Q: What do you call someone who can't stick with a diet?
A: A desserter.
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“I would like vitamins for my son,” a mother said. “Vitamin A, B or C?” the pharmacist asked. “It doesn’t matter,” the mother replied. “He can’t read yet.”
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One night as I was putting my
2 1/2-year-old daughter to bed,
I saw a bright full moon in the sky. I let her look at the moon for a minute and then asked, “Who made the moon?”
“God,” came her reply.
“And the stars?” I asked. Again the answer was, “God.”
I continued with a few more questions: Who made the trees, the flowers, etc. Finally I asked, “Who made Daddy?”
She said, “Grandma.”
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My sister Jordan was helping my 2 1/2-year-old niece Berea put on her sweatshirt when Berea’s head got stuck on the neck hole.
Berea started panicking and saying, “I can’t see! I can’t see!” The shirt quickly slipped over her head, and the panic was gone until her arms got stuck
on the tight cuffs.
The panic returned, and she started crying again. “My fingers can’t see! My fingers can’t see!” she said.
It was all we could do not to laugh as Jordan quickly pulled Berea’s arms through the cuffs.
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My niece Katrina tailgates other cars and it makes me nervous. I just can’t get it through her head that she does this and that it’s very dangerous. One good thing is that I sometimes find myself drawing closer to the Lord when I ride with her.
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SCENE: My teenage daughter and me in the car.
Lauren: Dad, do you know what the most commonly used letter in a girl’s name is?
Me: Hmm, is it a consonant or a vowel? (Silence.) Please tell me you know what consonants and vowels are.
Lauren: You’re no fun, Dad. Forget it.
Me: What is a vowel?
Lauren: OK, OK. A vowel is … ahh … eh … well, oh … uh …
Me: Close enough.
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If you understand English, press 1. If you do not understand English, press 2.
Recording on an Australian tax help line
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Good morning everyboomie.
Cat is gone.
Really it was starting to become entirely too cute and adorable.
I love kittens, & I hate cats.
We have started hearing the fireworks once again from the kids across the street.
I don't mind them at all unless I'm trying to sleep, but poor Missy of course is scared to death.
I remember how much the affected Baby. She would practically try and crawl inside my shirt.
Well, in another week it'll all be over.
Have a happy day everyone.
joe
acebook
witter
Have you tried a thundershirt for Missy? They work great! 
Tomorrow, I get to relax and game, when I'm not practicing. 
It wasn't even July yet!
