Nature abhors a vacuum, but not as much as a cat does.
anonymous
``````````
Do you live in the Nicest Place in America?›
The Unathletic Camper’s Baseball Glossary
Baseball bat: a wooden or
metal bar that can easily fly out of someone’s hands.
Foul ball: a moment when you think, Holy @#$%, I got a hit!
Babe Ruth: someone who people tell you was also overweight.
Right field: a quiet place where you can sit for long stretches and play with dandelions. Until suddenly you hear a clang and some shouting and immediately understand life is about to get much harder.
Fly ball: when the sun drops
a boulder on your head.
Shortstop: a position that
involves mostly ground balls
and that you think maybe you can play.
Line drive: the reason you can’t play shortstop.
Innings: the amount of time
left before afternoon snack,
divided by nine.
Marc Philippe Eskenazi,
in the New Yorker
`````
We were tearing down an
old three-seater outhouse when my neighbor asked if she could have the single-plank, three-hole outhouse seat. I said sure.
Six months later, she invited me
to her home. There she showed
off her newly designed family room, complete with a single-plank,
three-hole picture frame featuring her three grandchildren.
````
Probably the worst thing you can hear when you’re wearing a bikini is “Good for you!”
@ElizaBayne
``````
The photographer was positioning my new husband and me for
our wedding photos when he asked, “Have you ever modeled?”
My cheeks instantly turned red. “No, I haven’t,” I said. “But I always thought …”
The photographer interrupted me: “I meant him.”
`````
I have a question. = I have 18 questions.
I’ll look into it. = I’ve already forgotten about it.
I tried my best. = I did the bare minimum.
Happy to discuss further. = Don’t ask me about this again.
No worries. = You really messed up this time.
Take care. = This is the last you’ll ever hear from me.
Cheers! = I have no respect for you or myself!
``````
If growing up in the ’80s taught me one thing, it’s that my friends and I should have found a treasure map by now.
@LizHackett
``````
Watch The Walking Dead with someone who’s super into it so every time a zombie appears, you can pull the old, “Wait, who’s this, now?”
@KarenKilgariff
``````
Every Scooby-Doo episode would literally be two minutes long if the gang went to the mask store first and asked a few questions.
@SCbchbum (Erica)
``````
ER DOCTOR: So, what brings you here?
PATIENT: An ambulance! What do you think?!
``````
I’d never had surgery, and I was nervous. “This is a very simple, noninvasive procedure,” the anesthesiologist reassured me. I felt better, until … “Heck,” he continued, “you have
a better chance of dying from the
anesthesia than the surgery itself.”
```````
When my three-year-old was told
to pee in a cup at the doctor’s office, he unexpectedly got nervous. With
a shaking voice, he asked, “Do I have to drink it?”
`````
My wife, a phlebotomist at the Denver VA hospital, entered a patient’s room to draw blood. Noticing an apple on his nightstand, she
remarked, “An apple a day keeps
the doctor away, right?”
“That’s true,” he agreed. “I haven’t seen a doctor in three days.”
````````
“Patient in to ER at 0400 with no complaints: ‘I have been having chest pain for 4 months but I am not having chest pain now. The reason I’m here now is because I heard that 4am is the best time to come cause there are not that many people.’ ”
“Had a woman call 911 because she ‘had déjà vu in the shower and got nervous.’”
“Got a frantic call from a woman who claimed she had overdosed and needed help immediately. We arrive on scene, and she hands us an empty mint container, saying she took them all. That night she learned that you cannot overdose on mints.”
````
Do you live in the Nicest Place in America?›
Why You Should Make Love Once A Year
A therapist has a theory that couples who make love once a day are the happiest. So he tests it at a seminar by asking those assembled, “How many people here make love once a day?” Half the people raise their hands, each of them grinning widely. “Once a week?” A third of
the audience members raise their hands, their grins a bit less vibrant. “Once a month?” A few hands tepidly go up. Then he asks, “OK, how about once a year?”
One man in the back jumps up and down, jubilantly waving his hands. The therapist is shocked—this disproves his theory. “If you make love only once a year,” he asks, “why are you so happy?”
The man yells, “Today’s the day!”
`````
My mother was rushed to the
hospital following a serious tumble. There the staff placed a band around her wrist with large letters warning: Fall Risk.
Unimpressed, Mom said to me, “I’ll have them know I’m a Winter, Spring, and Summer risk too.”
```````
I sent a reminder to a client that it was time to visit the eye doctor.
He called back to inform me that he would not be coming in because, as he put it, “I have a new obstetrician.”
```````
My doctor took one look at
my gut and refused to believe that
I work out. So I listed the exercises
I do every day: jump to conclusions, climb the walls, drag my heels,
push my luck, make mountains out of molehills, bend over backward, run around in circles, put my foot
in my mouth, go over the edge, and beat around the bush.
`````
A scientist tells a pharmacist, “Give me some prepared tablets of acetylsalicylic acid.”
“Do you mean aspirin?” asks the pharmacist.
The scientist slaps his forehead. “That’s it!” he says. “I can never
remember the name.”
``````
Good morning everyboomie.
Welcome to the new week already.
Sunday after taking Missy parking you'll never guess what I did.
I mowed the lawn.
Well half of it anyway. I've decided to offset mowing inside the fence, and outside the fence by a couple of days.
That way I won't be out in the heat as long each time.
I'm so happy I put that fence up.
Have a happy day everyone.
joe
acebook
witter
