I got my hair highlighted because I thought some strands were more important than others.
~Comedian Mitch Hedberg~
````````````````````````
Q: Why should you be wary of 5-cent espresso?
A: It’s a cheap shot.
`````
Q: Why shouldn't you discuss coffee in polite company?
A: It can make for a strong and heated debate.
``````
Knock, knock!
Who’s there?
A guy that just had 4 shots of espresso!
A guy th—
Now you say, “a guy that just had 4 shots of espresso who?”
```````
New word: Procaffeinating (n). - the tendency to not start anything until you’ve had your coffee.
```````
A yawn is just a silent scream for coffee.
```````
Q: Why did the espresso keep checking his watch?
A: Because he was pressed for time.
``````
Did you hear about the cow that gave birth?
It was de-calf-inated.
```````
Q: What do you call sad coffee?
A: Depresso
`````
Drinking too much espresso can cause a latte problems.
``````
Why are iPhone chargers not called Apple Juice?!
```````
Q. How does a computer get drunk?
A. It takes screenshots.
```````
Q. Why did the PowerPoint Presentation cross the road?
A. To get to the other slide.
`````````
PATIENT: Doctor, I need your help. I'm addicted to checking my Twitter!
DOCTOR: I'm so sorry, I don't follow.
`````````
Have you heard of that new band "1023 Megabytes"? They're pretty good, but they don't have a gig just yet.
```````
I just got fired from my job at the keyboard factory. They told me I wasn't putting in enough shifts.
````````
We'll we'll we'll...if it isn't autocorrect.
`````````
Person 1: Do you know how to use Outlook?
Person 2: As a matter of fact, I Excel at it.
Person 1: Was that a Microsoft Office pun?
Person 2: Word.
``````
My computer suddenly started belting out "Someone Like You." It's a Dell.
``````
I tried to say, "I'm a functional adult," but my phone changed it to "fictional adult," and I feel like that's more accurate.
`````
Q: Why did the computer show up at work late?
A: It had a
hard drive.
```````
Wrong number
Person 1: Hey Rachyl, do you remember me?
Person 2: Wrong number.
Person 1: What’s your number then?
``````
Texting your doctor
Matt: Hey Dr. Park, this is Matt from the Vascular lab. I have an outpatient here with an external iliac occlusion with cold foot pin and numbness that started 3 days ago. What should I do with her?
Hannah: Hi, this is Hannah. I think you have the wrong number, but I Googled it and I’m pretty sure u need to put a stent in her left radial artery. Best of luck, Matt!
Matt: Sorry, wrong number Hannah. She ended up actually getting a stent. Took about 3 hours longer for trained medical professionals to figure out what took you 3 minutes.
Hannah: Yoooo, yall hiring?
```````
Wrong number
Guy: I’m sorry. I hate when we fight cuz I really like you too and wanna be with you too and everytime we fight I feel like I’m gonna make u lose all the feelings u have for me and I don’t want that cuz I like when you like me back.
Girl: I love you too … But who are you?
`````````
Texts from Mom
Mom: How make chicken
Daughter: What?
Mom: Where buy chicken
Daughter: Mom, this isn’t Google.
Mom: Avocado
``````
Good morning everyboomie.
It's FRIDAY!!!!! again
I hope it's nice and cool all day like 70 degrees.
It's nice to have hope eh?
I'll be doing something all day long.
I'm not sure what, but something.
Have a happy day everyone.
joe
acebook
witter
