A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of widths.
~Steven Wright~
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Q. Why shouldn't you fall in love with a pastry chef?
A. He'll dessert you.
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Wife: Do you want dinner?
Husband: Sure, what are my choices?
Wife: Yes and no.
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Son: Dad, I’ve heard that in some parts of the world a man doesn’t know his wife until he marries her.
Father: Son, that's true everywhere.
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This man was really lonely, so he posted an ad on a popular website. The ad said, simply: "Wife wanted."
He was surprised the next morning to find he had over a hundred replies in his inbox. Unfortunately, they all said the same thing: "You can have mine."
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Q. What does the ghost call his true love?
A. My ghoul-friend.
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Q. How did the phone propose to his girlfriend on Valentine's Day?
A. He gave her a ring.
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Q. What do you call two birds in love?
A. Tweet-hearts!
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Q. What did the little boat say to the yacht?
A. Can I interest you in a little row-mance?
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Man: "Honey, on this Valentine's Day, I want to tell you something... I'm not rich like Jack. I don't have a mansion like Russell. I don't have a Porsche like Martin. But I do love you and I want to marry you."
Woman: "Oh, dear, I love you too! What was that you said about Martin?"
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Me: "I love you."
You: "Is that you or the wine talking?"
Me: "It's me talking to the wine."
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I once gave my husband the
silent treatment for an entire week, at the end of which he declared, “Hey, we’re getting along pretty great lately!”
Bonnie McFarlane,
from You’re Better Than Me
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While volunteering in a soup kitchen, I hit it off with a very attractive single man. It was a relief, since my mother and I always laughed
because the men to whom I was drawn were inevitably married. So, optimistic about my chances, I asked my new friend what he did for a
living. He replied, “I’m a priest.”
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Whoever named
it necking is a poor judge of anatomy.
Groucho Marx
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I told my girlfriend that it looked like she was drawing her eyebrows too high. She looked surprised.
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A husband and wife had been married for 60 years and had no
secrets except for one: The woman kept in her closet a shoe box that
she forbade her husband from ever opening. But when she was on her deathbed—and with her blessing—he opened the box and found a
crocheted doll and $95,000 in cash.
“My mother told me that the secret to a happy marriage was to never
argue,” she explained. “Instead, I should keep quiet and crochet a doll.”
Her husband was touched. Only one doll was in the box—that meant she’d been angry with him only once in 60 years. “But what about all this money?” he asked.
“Oh,” she said, “that’s the money
I made from selling the dolls.”
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#GeekPickupLines: My name’s
Microsoft … can I crash at your place tonight?
@tillinghast (Mark Dryzcimski)
#RobotPickupLines: “You had me
at 100100010000101100110010011001001111.”
@pound_hashtag
#ThatAwkwardMoment: When someone says “Hello!” and you say “Good, thanks!”
@menshumor
#MySexLifeinMovieTitles: Home Alone
@iowahawkblog (David Burge)
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Why should you never breakup with a goalie?
Because he's a keeper.
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Do you live in the Nicest Place in America?›
Love Lost,
Love Found On Craigslist• The ad for the 14k white gold engagement ring in “like-new condition” included a caveat:
It was worn “by Satan herself.”
The ad then warned, “Ring may be cursed, as it tends to leave
a path of destruction behind it. Possible events associated with this ring include but are not
limited to: damage sustained to house, vehicle, heart, downed power lines, fallen trees, and swarms of locusts.” The upside: “Other than that, a very nice piece of jewelry.”
• This man’s ad addressed someone he’d met only fleetingly: “Hi. I am the guy whose house you tried breaking in to this morning around 9:30 a.m. on Gale Street,” he wrote. “Our
conversation was short. You only said, ‘Oh my gosh, oh my gosh ...,’ as you saw me staring back at you through the door blinds. Still,” he continued,
“I feel we made a good connection, separated only by the door and the two locks you were
trying to pick. Please don’t break into my house again. But
if you’re up for a legal encounter, I’m game.”
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Good morning everyboomie.
Welcome to the weekend! You made it!
You're on your own from here, I'm hanging back at the week days.
The last two days we've had awesome thunderstorms in the afternoon.
Actually we do have a chance for storms on Saturday as well, although we're gonna hit 97 degrees sometime in there.
All I care about is that it is NOT gonna hit 97 degrees in here, and if I go out there, it'll be way before it hits that 97.
I think it was most likely dark and cool when I was conceived. That's why I can't conceive sweating my tiny hiney off out in that heat.
When it's me against the elements, cooler heads prevail.
Have a happy day everyone.
joe
acebook
witter
