You're only given a little spark of madness. You mustn't lose it.
A military base commander called to complain that the weather-forecasting software our company created for them kept reporting
unexplainable wind shifts.
“Do you know where the sensor is located?” my coworker asked.
“Of course,” he responded. “It’s where we park the helicopters.”
My husband is infantry, and
he said the most wonderful things
to convince me to marry him:
• The closets could all be mine since he wears the same thing every day.
• I could have as many babies as
I want because giving birth is free.
• He would never get on my nerves, because he would always be gone.
Humankind has a perfect record in aviation; we never left one up there.
We were an Air Force family, but our son could not grasp that
fact. Anytime someone asked what his father did, he’d say, “He’s in the Army.” I told him umpteen times, “Stop telling people I’m in the Army!” It finally seemed to hit home because on the admittance form
for kindergarten, under “father’s
profession,” the teacher wrote, “He doesn’t know what his father does, but he’s not in the Army.”
“Never fly in the same cockpit with someone braver than you.”
“The only time you have too much fuel is when you’re on fire.”
“Weather forecasts are horoscopes with numbers.”
“Airspeed, altitude, and brains: Two are always needed to successfully complete the flight.”
I was in the bathroom brushing my teeth when my squad leader barged in. He was holding a toothbrush, which he proceeded to use to scrub underneath the rim of a toilet.
“What are you doing?” I asked.
“Hazing the new guy,” he said with a grin.
“You do know that he could get ill from the bacteria on the toilet.”
His reply was quick and to the point: “You didn’t.”
The flight attendant on our trip was handing out plastic pilot wings to some kids. As I stepped
forward, she jokingly offered me one, but I passed. Pointing to the Airborne wings on my Army uniform, I
explained, “The last time someone
gave me wings, I had to jump
out of the airplane.”
Don't wake up mom! There are at least seven species who eat their young. Your mom may be one of them.
One person who does the work of 20. For free
You know you're a mom when...
...picking up another human to smell their butt is not only normal but totally necessary
Cleaning with kids in the house is like brushing your teeth with Oreos.
When I was growing up, my mother’s best dish was store-bought Entenmann’s chocolate chip cookies.
One of my friends is pregnant. And I’m really excited. Not for the baby but because she’s one of my skinniest friends.
@MichelleIsAWolf (Michelle Wolf)
```````My Mom Taught Me …
Logic: “If you fall off that swing and break your neck, you can’t go to the store with me.”
Humor: “When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don’t come running to me.”
Justice: “One day you’ll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you. Then you’ll see what it’s like!”
````````When Relatives Attack
There is nothing more awkward than the moment you realize you’re getting a double-cheek kiss.
```````Dog Mom Is Always Right
Don’t fill up
My mother was rushed to the
hospital following a serious tumble. There the staff placed a band around her wrist with large letters warning: Fall Risk.
Unimpressed, Mom said to me, “I’ll have them know I’m a winter, spring, and summer risk too.”
Good morning everyboomie.
I'm back from my little trip. Thank you Ana for helping me out last night with the diner.
The dog jokes were awesome.
I had a wonderful time at my brother's. It was great to see my two older brothers, my sisters-in-law, my nieces, nephews, great nieces, great nephews, and a lot of other people that I didn't know.
I hope we can do that again on my brother's next 70th birthday.
It's good to get together with your relatives every few decades or so.
My brother has 5 big dogs, and two little inside dogs......all rescues. All just as sweet as they can be. I loved playing with them.
I took Missy with of course and everyone loved her too.
I hope everyone has a super fantastic Sunday.