There are three things extremely hard: steel, a diamond, and to know one's self.
~Benjamin Franklin~
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Before my son could start going on job interviews, he needed to dress the part. That, he decided, required a $500 suit.
"What!?" I answered, gagging at the price tag. "I've bought cars for $500!"
"That's why I want the $500 suit," he said. "So I don't have to drive $500 cars."
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If your name is on the building, you're rich; if your name is on your desk, you're middle-class; if your name is on your shirt, you're poor.
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I received a letter saying I would not be given the American Express credit card I'd requested because my income wasn't substantial enough. Oddly enough, I work for American Express.
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My husband is—how should I put this—cheap, once going so far as to reuse the freezer bags our grown daughter Molly left behind after a visit. Needless to say, it gave me a start when, looking through the freezer, I found packages labeled steak, chicken breast, and Molly.
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A guy in a Kia pulls up next to a Rolls-Royce at a red light and asks, "Hey, is your car Bluetooth enabled?" The Rolls owner nods.
"So is mine. Got Wi-Fi?" The Rolls owner nods again.
"Me too. What about a double bed?"
"No. Do you?" asks the Rolls guy.
"Yep."
The Kia owner peers out. "You got me out of the shower to tell me that?!"
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With airlines adding fees to fees, The Week magazine asked its readers to predict the next surcharge they'll levy for something previously free.
1. In the unlikely event of loss of cabin pressure, oxygen masks will drop down. To start the flow of oxygen, simply insert your credit card …
2. $100 On-Time Departure Fee; $25 Delay Complaint Fee.
3. View seating (formerly window seats), $10; Access seating (formerly aisle seats), $10 $20 to use roll-away stairs to enter or exit the aircraft in lieu of no-charge rope-ladder alternative.
4. $9 fee for bumping your head on the overhead bin as you take your seat; $3 additional penalty for looking up at the bin after you bump into it.
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To get his mind off his losing streak at the racetrack, I took my friend horseback riding. Being a novice, he freaked when his mount took off.
"How do I stop?" he yelled.
"Bet on it!" I hollered back.
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If you are truly serious about preparing your child for the future, don't teach him to subtract—teach him to deduct.
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A devastated-looking man knocks on the door of a woman known for her charity.
"Please, ma'am," he says when she opens up, "can you help this poor, tragic family down the block? The father just lost his job, and his wife is too ill to work. They're about to be turned out into the cold streets unless someone can pay their rent."
"That's the worst thing I've ever heard in my life!" says the woman. "May I ask who you are?"
"Their landlord."
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Driving back from Vermont, I stopped at a vegetable stand. It was deserted except for a sleeping German shepherd. I stepped over the dog, helped myself to some corn, then opened the cashbox to pay. Taped to the inside of the lid was this note: "The dog can count."
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Good morning everyboomie.
Hump Day already?
It doesn't look like Hump Day. It looks exactly like Tuesday. Hmm...
How did they know what day it was before they created the first calender?
How did they know to make 12 months roughly 30 day long each.....and how did they know which months
to add an extra day to, and why did February get cheated out of 2 days?
The first person to email the correct answers to me will receive a year's worth of free meals in the diner.
How would I even know the correct answers anyway??
Please include the answer to that question as well so I'll know if you're correct or not.
I hope I can sleep tonight.
Have a happy day everyone.
joe
acebook
witter
Hope you're able to get a good night's sleep.
