I hate to advocate drugs, alcohol, violence, or insanity to anyone, but they've always worked for me.
~Hunter S. Thompson~
````````````````````
The Point of A Conference Call
A conference call is the best way for a dozen people to say “bye” 300 times.
``````
• I’m employed at a computer security company and have a colleague whose name is M. Alware. His e-mail address is malware@company.com.
• My ex-boss’s name is R. Stone. His e-mail was stoner@company.co.in.
• My name is James Pan. Every other permutation of my name was taken (e.g., jpan, jamesp), so I’m stuck with japan@university.edu.
```````
How To Translate Work Emails
I have a question. = I have 18 questions.
I’ll look into it. = I’ve already forgotten about it.
I tried my best. = I did the bare minimum.
Happy to discuss further. = Don’t ask me about this again.
No worries. = You really messed up this time.
Take care. = This is the last you’ll ever hear from me.
Cheers! = I have no respect for you or myself!
`````````
E-mail Addresses It Would Be Annoying To Give Out Loud
MikeUnderscore2004@yahoo.com
MikeAtYahooDotCom@hotmail.com
Mike_WardAllOneWord@yahoo.com
AAAAAAThatsSixAs@yahoo.com
1OneTheFirstJustTheNumberTheSecondSpelledOut@hotmail.com
```````
As a Speech therapist, I was working with a preschooler on
body-part identification and the
k sound. To that end, I had him
use Play-Doh to make a sculpture
of me.
“Is that my neck?” I asked, trying to get him to repeat the word.
“No, that’s your chin,” he said.
He added more Play-Doh. “Is that my neck?” I asked.
````````
While I was out to lunch, my coworker answered my phone and told the caller that I would be back
in 20 minutes. The woman asked,
“Is that 20 minutes Central Standard Time?”
`````
It’s amazing how a person can compliment and insult you at the same time. Recently, when I greeted my coworker, she said, “You look so gorgeous, I didn’t recognize you.”
`````
Client: Please remove the unnecessary circle at the end of the sentence.
Me: You mean … the period?
Client: I don’t care what you designers call it; it is unsightly. Delete it.
``````
I’ve been working on my PhD
in engineering for the past five years, but my kids don’t necessarily see that as work.
As we were driving past Walmart one day, my son spotted a Now Hiring sign and suggested that I could get
a job there.
Hoping to make a point, I asked, “Do you think they’re looking for an engineer?”
“Oh, sure,” he said. “They’ll hire anybody.”
```````
An insurance agent called
our medical office. One of our
doctors had filled out a medically necessary leave-of-absence form
for a patient, but, the agent said, the
patient had altered it. The giveaway?
The return-to-work date had been changed to February 30.
``````
I supervised an employee who had a negative view of everything
I did. If I took a vacation day, I was “never there.” If I praised someone’s work, it was “too little, too late.”
He eventually took another job
but was fired six months later. Shortly thereafter, he contacted
me, hoping to return to his old job.
“Have you learned anything from this experience?” I asked.
“Yes, I should have stayed here,”
he admitted. “You’re too indecisive to have ever fired me.”
``````
I guess this is what happens after you’ve worked at the same place for a while. I was eating at a fast-food restaurant when an employee began his shift by walking into the kitchen area and calling out, “Honey, I’m home!”
``````
Good morning everyboomie.
A nuther day, a nuther 24 hours.
This one happens to be a Friday. How about that?
You're welcome.
I had nothing to do with it.
You're welcome to enjoy it however you see fit.
I plan on going down Texas way to grace the Sam's Club in Sherman with my presence.
I haven't told them I'm coming. I'm gonna let it be a surprise.
I wanna be able to find a parking space.
Have a happy day everyone.
joe
acebook
witter
Wishing you all a Happy friday! 
