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Tuesday's #1158390
07/30/18 07:47 PM
07/30/18 07:47 PM
Joined: Apr 2005
Posts: 33,073
Calera, Oklahoma
gymcandy1 Offline OP
Joe's Diner Proprietor
gymcandy1  Offline OP
Joe's Diner Proprietor
Sonic Boomer

Joined: Apr 2005
Posts: 33,073
Calera, Oklahoma
My wife wants sex in the back of the car and she wants me to drive.

~Rodney Dangerfield~
````````````````````


En route to church to make his first confession, my nervous seven-year-old grandson asked me what he could expect.

"Confession is where you tell all the bad things you've done to the priest," I told him. He looked relieved. "Good. I haven't done anything bad to the priest."

``````

Meeting with my new pastor, I asked if I could have a church service when I eventually die. "Of course," he said, grabbing his date book. "What day do you want?"

``````

When our minister and his wife visited our neighbor, her four-year-old daughter answered the door. "Mom!"she yelled toward the living room. "God's here, and he brought his girlfriend."

````````

The topic for my ninth-grade class was palindromes, words or sentences that are the same read forward and backward. I asked the question "What is the first thing Adam said to Eve?"

I was expecting the answer "Madam, I'm Adam," but one student had a better reply:

"Wow."

```````

After ringing cell phones ruined a service, our rabbi laid down the law in the latest temple newsletter: "Let’s turn off the technology and turn on each other."

```````

When I was teaching kindergarten and had a cold, I would often get laryngitis with it. One day a student asked me, “Do you have a frog in your nose?”

``````

If you’re a fan of lousy literature, you’re in luck: Here are two 
intentionally bad first lines of nonexistent novels.

As he caressed her hair, cheek, forehead, chin, collarbone, shoulder, upper arm, and 
stomach, she knew that her 
decision to take Octoman as 
a lover was the correct one. L. C.

If Vicky Walters had known 
that ordering an extra shot of espresso in her grande non-fat sugar free one pump raspberry syrup two pumps vanilla syrup soy latte that Wednesday would lead to her death and subsequent rebirth as a vampire, she probably would have at least gotten whipped cream. M. C.

`````````

Just before the final exam in 
my college finance class, a less-than-stellar student approached me.

“Can you tell me what grade 
I would need to get on the exam 
to pass the course?” he asked.

I gave him the bad news. “The exam is worth 100 points. You would need 113 points to earn a D.”

“OK,” he said. “And how many points would I need to get a C?”

```````

In college, my freshman-year roommate was in ROTC and came from a long line of military men. Trask (his last name) used that 
heritage to lord it over me. But I had the last laugh.

One night, he returned to the dorm in his perfectly pressed 
uniform, his newly acquired name tag in his hand. Reluctantly, he showed it to me. In large gold letters was printed: TRASH.

```````

A first-grade teacher can’t 
believe her student isn’t hepped up about the Super Bowl. “It’s a huge event. Why aren’t you excited?”

“Because I’m not a football fan. My parents love basketball, so I do too,” says the student.

“Well, that’s a lousy reason,” says the teacher. “What if your parents were morons? What would you be then?”

“Then I’d be a football fan.”

```````

For Martin Luther King Day, 
I asked my fifth graders how they’d make the world a better place. One said, “I’d make potato skins a main dish rather than an appetizer.”

`````

Try as she might, our granddaughter couldn’t grasp the concept of potty training. Then one day … Success! Jumping up and down, 
she threw her arms in the air 
and yelled in excitement, “I went potty all by myself, and now I can 
go to Harvard!”

`````

Gauging from these exam 
excerpts, my college dance students had better stick with pliés.

“The costumes were vindictive 
of the style of dance.”

“I commend Bill T. Jones for 
his acts of true kindness and 
selfishness.”

“Dancers must have long limps.”

“At first, I had a hard time 
understanding and interrupting 
his movement.”

“Savion Glover’s purpose is to cross all racial and ethical barriers with his dance.”

```````


Test Answers From Smart-Alecky Students


• Q: 
What’s the name of a 
six-sided polygon?

A: Sixagon.

• Q: 
What part of the body is 
affected by glandular fever?

A: The glandular.
• Q: 
In The Tempest, why does 
Ariel sing in Gonzalo’s ear?

A: 
She’s a mermaid and wants to be human.

• Q: 
In comparison with large 
hydrocarbons, how would you describe small hydrocarbons?

A: They’re smaller.

• Q: 
Who were the Bolsheviks?

A: A Russian ballet company.

From F in Exams: Pop Quiz, 
by Richard Benson (Chronicle Books)

`````````

Good morning everyboomie. yay


Welcome to my nightmare. happydance


Today was awesome! I woke up to a big storm blowing, and the whole morning was overcast and cool. penguin


It felt great walking at the park, and the mid afternoon walk was sunny, but not bad. bravo


I'm afraid we're headed back up to 100 degrees, but hey we still have August, and September is hot too. taz


Tuesday will not be bad, so I'll take it where I get it. wink


Have a great day everyone. thumbsup


joe


There are no strangers here; Only friends you haven’t yet met.

William Butler Yeats
Re: Tuesday's [Re: gymcandy1] #1158393
07/30/18 09:35 PM
07/30/18 09:35 PM
Joined: Jan 2004
Posts: 83,270
In the Naughty Corner
BrownEyedTigre Offline
The Sassy Admin and PR Liaison
BrownEyedTigre  Offline
The Sassy Admin and PR Liaison
Sonic Boomer

Joined: Jan 2004
Posts: 83,270
In the Naughty Corner
Hope the storms washed up some points for you, Joe! It is still unseasonably cooler here.

Have a happy day all!

Ana wave


Don't feed the Trolls
Re: Tuesday's [Re: gymcandy1] #1158409
07/30/18 11:13 PM
07/30/18 11:13 PM
Joined: Mar 2009
Posts: 8,379
Arcadia (twin world of Stark)
venus Offline
BAAG Specialist
venus  Offline
BAAG Specialist

Joined: Mar 2009
Posts: 8,379
Arcadia (twin world of Stark)
Glad you had at least one cooler day, Joe. happydance

Hope you have a great Tuesday, Ana.

It's Monday night, and I'm off to sleep. Tomorrow is another 5 store day, which will probably be slightly longer than today. It still shouldn't be quite as bad as the 5 store days I had last week, though, as most projects will be on the shorter side.

Have a great Tuesday, everyone. summer


Interrogator: [True or false?] All mangoes are golden. Nothing golden is cheap. Conclusion - all mangoes are cheap.

Helena: Where are these mangoes?
Re: Tuesday's [Re: gymcandy1] #1158417
07/31/18 04:59 AM
07/31/18 04:59 AM
Joined: Nov 2004
Posts: 25,110
Marlborough USA
Kaki's Sister Offline
Sonic Boomer
Kaki's Sister  Offline
Sonic Boomer

Joined: Nov 2004
Posts: 25,110
Marlborough USA
Good Morning Joe, Ana, venus and everyone. Joe have a great day. Ana enjoy your day too. Venus hope it's not to busy a day for you. Coffee and tea are ready.
Wishing a great day for everyone. summer


Gerry
Re: Tuesday's [Re: gymcandy1] #1158419
07/31/18 07:01 AM
07/31/18 07:01 AM
Joined: Jul 2002
Posts: 16,021
winter springs fl.
connie Offline
Graduate Boomer
connie  Offline
Graduate Boomer

Joined: Jul 2002
Posts: 16,021
winter springs fl.
Good morning everyone, have a Super Tuesday. Dinner, Dancing, and Karaoke at 8-8 Panda tonight. Danish, Eggs, Grits, Hash Browns, BB Pancakes, Sausage, Bacon, and French Toast in the NC. summer


Connie
Re: Tuesday's [Re: gymcandy1] #1158444
07/31/18 11:02 AM
07/31/18 11:02 AM
Joined: Nov 2004
Posts: 9,848
San Diego, CA
Sorta Blonde Offline
BAAG Specialist
Sorta Blonde  Offline
BAAG Specialist

Joined: Nov 2004
Posts: 9,848
San Diego, CA
My soon to be ex renters came up yesterday to 'negotiate'. I'm going to miss them! 30 years as neighbors, 20 years as their Landlord. Despite the little bumps in the road over the years, they were great friends and tenants. We didn't charge them for the final week of August (they are leaving one week early) and paid them for the washer that they are leaving and also paid them back the huge security deposit they gave 30 years ago ($150.). Yep. Major huh? I couldn't see why they shouldn't get it all back after all that time.

They are happy, I got invited to one of the many 'going away' parties this Saturday. Always good food. I will be happy to finally see INSIDE the storage area and take a good look at the house. I've never really seen all of it. I bought it 'as is' in 1978 when my Landlord died and his wife sold me everything. 20 years of renting for me and then I became an instant Landlord. Never thought of doing that, but it was either leave (property would be sold to someone else) or take over my rental, plus the 2 behind. Turned out OK so far and it's been a fun ride.

Starting the next chapter and hoping for some new tenants that I can live next to without too many problems. If it wasn't for the proximity of the rentals and me, I'd not really be as anxious about finding the perfect tenants. This is a rare occasion when you get to choose your neighbors. Wish me luck with the whole 'rehab' stuff and getting good people in there! thumbsup


WARNING! This person is extremely blonde...please type SLOWLY.
Re: Tuesday's [Re: gymcandy1] #1158459
07/31/18 12:23 PM
07/31/18 12:23 PM
Joined: Apr 2005
Posts: 37,661
Alabama
soot Offline
Puzzled Moderator
soot  Offline
Puzzled Moderator
Sonic Boomer

Joined: Apr 2005
Posts: 37,661
Alabama
Tootin Good day everybody

Have a great day


Dan
...
To learn, read...To know, write...To master, teach...To live, play games & listen to whale music Stay Smart & Stay Safe
Re: Tuesday's [Re: gymcandy1] #1158516
08/01/18 12:06 AM
08/01/18 12:06 AM
Joined: Mar 2009
Posts: 8,379
Arcadia (twin world of Stark)
venus Offline
BAAG Specialist
venus  Offline
BAAG Specialist

Joined: Mar 2009
Posts: 8,379
Arcadia (twin world of Stark)
Good night, everyone. sleep


Interrogator: [True or false?] All mangoes are golden. Nothing golden is cheap. Conclusion - all mangoes are cheap.

Helena: Where are these mangoes?
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