Keep your face to the sunshine and you cannot see a shadow.
~Helen Keller~
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I went to my sisters house and saw her packing a suitcase. I asked, "What's going on?" She said, "I'm feeling homesick." I suggested, "But you're at your home now." She replied, "I know. I'm sick of it!"
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Two cannibals are eating dinner and one says, "I hate my mother-in-law." The other replies, "Well, just eat your noodles, then."
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Two cannibals, a father and son, are walking down the street, when they notice a hot girl passing by. The son says to the father, "Daddy, I'm hungry, let’s eat that girl that just passed by." The father replies, "I've got a better idea son, let’s take this one home and eat your mother instead!"
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Two men are talking and one says to the other, “My wife’s doctor says she has menopause, and, man, has she been moody lately. How long do the symptoms of menopause usually last?” The other man replies, “Let me put it this way: menopause will be listed as the cause on your death certificate.”
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Teacher: “If you had one dollar and you asked your father for another, how many dollars would you have?”
Vincent: “One dollar.”
Teacher: “You don’t know your arithmetic.”
Vincent: “You don’t know my father.”
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Why Did The Pirates Go To The Movies?
Because It Was Rated Rrrrr...
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My mom drinks Diet Coke despite knowing full well of the repercussions to her health. You might say she's a sodamasochist.
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My friend came up to me at work looking depressed. I asked him what was wrong. He said, "I think I had sex with my third cousin." I replied, "If you're that worried about it, quit counting them!"
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A man went to the All Stars game with two front row seat tickets. He sat down and then another man asked him if the other chair was taken. The man said " no, it was supposed to be for my wife." The other man said " well where is she? And he said "she died two days ago" from a stroke. The other man said "well thats unfortunate, I'm so sorry for you. But should'nt you give this seat to another family members?" And the man said, "no they're all at the funeral"
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A sandwich walks into a bar. The barman says: "Sorry, we don't serve food in here."
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Boy: Hey mum can I have 100 dollars?
Mum: Son money doesn't grow on trees
Boy: Where does money come from?
Mum: Paper
Boy: Does Paper come from?
Mum: ...
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Kid: Will you remember me tomorrow?
Parent: yes
Kid: Will you remember me next week?
Parent: Yes
Kid: Will you remember me next month?
Parent: Yes
Kid: Will you remember me next year?
Parent: Yes
Kid: knock knock
Parent: Who's there?
Kid: See you forgot me already, how could you do this to me!
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My friend thinks he is smart. He told me an onion is the only food that makes you cry, so I threw a coconut at his face.
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A teacher asked her students to use the word "beans" in a sentence. "My father grows beans," said one girl. "My mother cooks beans," said a boy. A third student spoke up, "We are all human beans."
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A man kills a deer and takes it home to cook for dinner. Both he and his wife decide that they won't tell the kids what kind of meat it is, but will give them a clue and let them guess. The dad said, "Well it's what Mommy calls me sometimes." The little girl screamed to her brother, "Don't eat it. Its an [blip]!
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A boy asks his father, "Dad, are bugs good to eat?" "That's disgusting. Don't talk about things like that over dinner," the dad replies. After dinner the father asks, "Now, son, what did you want to ask me?" "Oh, nothing," the boy says. "There was a bug in your soup, but now it’s gone."
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Good morning everyboomie.
One down, more to come.
I wonder what Tuesday will bring.
The future may be up in the air, but around here one thing is certain. When the sun is high in the sky, the temperature will be sky high.
The next two days will be a glorious 97 degrees. The next 3 glorious days after that will be a glorious 96 degrees. Glorious.
That's almost 500 degrees in the next 5 days, and you can take that to the bank.
What am I going to do with all that heat?
Not sure, but I'll cook something up.
Have a happy day everyone.
joe
acebook
witter
