Life is full of beauty. Notice it. Notice the bumble bee, the small child, and the smiling faces. Smell the rain, and feel the wind. Live your life to the fullest potential, and fight for your dreams.
~Ashley Smith~
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A local United Way office realized that the organization had never received a donation from the town's most successful lawyer. The person in charge of contributions called him to persuade him to contribute. "Our research shows that out of a yearly income of at least $500,000, you did not give a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give back to the community in some way?" The lawyer mulled this over for a moment and replied, "First, did your research also show that my mother is dying after a long illness, and has medical bills that are several times her annual income?" Embarrassed, the United Way rep mumbled, "Um, no." The lawyer interrupts, "Or that my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair?" The stricken United Way rep began to stammer out an apology, but was interrupted again. "Or that my sister's husband died in a traffic accident," the lawyer's voice rising in indignation, "leaving her penniless with three children?!" The humiliated United Way rep, completely beaten, said simply, "I had no idea." On a roll, the lawyer cut him off once again, "So if I don't give any money to them, why should I give any to you?"
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"What do you want to be when you grow up?" "A doctor." "And why's that?" "Because it's the only profession where you can tell women to take off their clothes and then stick their husbands with the bill."
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As a group of soldiers stood in formation at an Army Base, the Drill Sergeant said, "All right! All you idiots fall out." As the rest of the squad wandered away, one soldier remained at attention. The Drill Instructor walked over until he was eye to eye with him, and then raised a single eyebrow. The soldier smiled and said, "Sure was a lot of 'em, huh, sir?"
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A man was walking down the street and saw a sign in a store window that said "Help Wanted," so the man ran in the store and yelled out, "What's wrong?!"
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What did the psychiatrist say when a man wearing nothing but saran wrap walked in to the office? I can clearly see "you're" nuts....
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What do you call a lawyer who doesn't know the law? A judge.
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A scientist and a philosopher are being chased by a hungry lion. The scientist makes some quick calculations and says, “It's no good trying to outrun it. It's catching up!” The philosopher keeps a little ahead and replies, “I'm not trying to outrun the lion, I'm trying to outrun you!”
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What do you have when 100 lawyers are buried up to their necks in sand? Not enough sand.
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Why was the lawyer skimming the Bible right before he died? He was looking for loopholes!
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Guy calls in to his Boss:
Worker: I can't come to work today. I'm sick
Boss: Oh yea! What's wrong with you now?
Worker: I have anal glaucoma.
Boss: What the hell is that?
Worker: I just can't see my a** coming in to work today.
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While visiting a friend in the hospital, a young man notices several pretty nurses, each one of them wearing a pin designed to look like an apple. “What does the pin signify?” he asks one of them. “Oh! Nothing,” she says with a chuckle, “we just use it to keep the doctors away.”
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A dentist told a mother, "I'm sorry madam, but I'll have to charge you a $100 for pulling your boy's tooth." The mother exclaimed, "A $100! You said it was only $20!" "Yes," replied the dentist, "but he yelled so loudly that he scared four other patients out of the office!"
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If an accountant's spouse cannot sleep, what is the best cure? Ask the accountant to talk about their work.
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Boss: Do you believe in life after death?
Employee: No, because there is no proof of it.
Boss: Well there is now !
Employee: How?
Boss: When you left yesterday saying that you have to go to your uncle's funeral, your uncle came here looking for you after you left
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Why are proctologists so gloomy? They always have the end in sight.
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We've been reading in the papers lately about terrible cruelty someone is causing to our winged friends by the shore, as many Pelicans have been found with their beaks cut off. Police suspect a local bill collector is behind it all.
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The Job Interview:
- Name?
- Angus MacTavish.
- Age?
- 43.
- Place of birth?
- Isle Of Rum.
- Slow down, we'll get to your hobbies later.
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While taking the interview, the employer asked the candidate:
Employer: So, how long did you work during your'e last job?
Candidate: 30 years
Employer: oh, you look young how old are you
Candidate: 20 years old
The employer was surprised and asked the candidate how she worked 30 years and has only been living for 20 years??
Candidate: Overtime!
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Good morning everyboomie.
It's the weekend/part III and at least the symbolic end to Summer.
I refuse to go in to work today.
Our 40% rain chances hasn't panned out yet. It's sunny and 90 degrees right now. It's still supposed to be low 80s on Monday.
One can only hope. Maybe we'll get some heavy rain overnight, and I can fly out to the sod farm and check it out in the morning.
This morning when I got up I weighed 185.4lbs. 185lb was my goal so I have shed 15 pounds since July 21st.
I celebrated with a pizza for lunch. Mmmm Mmmmm Mmmm better than sex!
I didn't say that out loud did I?
Have a happy day everyone.
joe
acebook
witter
Joe! Congrats on reaching your goal! That is awesome! 
Hope Nugget's week flies by for her.
Hope everyone has a great day! 
