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Happy Thump Day #1162316
09/05/18 08:27 PM
09/05/18 08:27 PM
Joined: Apr 2005
Posts: 33,073
Calera, Oklahoma
gymcandy1 Offline OP
Joe's Diner Proprietor
gymcandy1  Offline OP
Joe's Diner Proprietor
Sonic Boomer

Joined: Apr 2005
Posts: 33,073
Calera, Oklahoma
Go to Heaven for the climate, Hell for the company.

~Mark Twain~
````````````


I surf the web a lot, and I guess I was using too much bandwidth, because the other day I got an automated phone call from my service provider. It was The Rolling Stones singing, "Hey, you. Get off of my cloud!"

``````

A bus full of ugly people had a head on collision with a truck. When they died, God granted all of them one wish. The first person said, "I want to be gorgeous." God snapped his fingers and it happened. The second person said the same thing and God did the same thing. This went on and on throughout the group. God noticed the last man in line was laughing hysterically. By the time God got to the last ten people, the last man was laughing and rolling on the ground. When the man's turn came, he laughed and said, "I wish they were all ugly again."

```````

There was a preacher who fell in the ocean and he couldn't swim. When a boat came by, the captain yelled, "Do you need help, sir?" The preacher calmly said "No, God will save me." A little later, another boat came by and a fisherman asked, "Hey, do you need help?" The preacher replied again, "No God will save me." Eventually the preacher drowned & went to heaven. The preacher asked God, "Why didn't you save me?" God replied, "You idiot, I sent you two boats!"

`````

A man is talking to God. "God, how long is a million years?" God answers, "To me, it's about a minute." "God, how much is a million dollars?" "To me, it's a penny." "God, may I have a penny?" "Yes, but you'll have to wait a minute."

`````

Maria, a devout Catholic, got married and had 15 children. After her first husband died, she remarried and had 15 more children. A few weeks after her second husband died, Maria also passed away. At Maria's funeral, the priest looked skyward and said, "At last, they're finally together." Her sister sitting in the front row said, "Excuse me, Father, but do you mean she and her first husband, or she and her second husband?" The priest replied, "I mean her legs."

````

Two guys are walking through a game park & they come across a lion that has not eaten for days. The lion starts chasing the two men. They run as fast as they can and the one guy starts getting tired and decides to say a prayer, "Please turn this lion into a Christian, Lord." He looks to see if the lion is still chasing and he sees the lion on its knees. Happy to see his prayer answered, he turns around and heads towards the lion. As he comes closer to the lion, he hears the it saying a prayer: "Thank you Lord for the food I am about to receive."

```````

Mother superior tells two new nuns that they have to paint their room without getting any paint on their clothes. One nun suggests to the other, "Hey, let's take all our clothes off, fold them up, and lock the door." So they do this, and begin painting their room. Soon they hear a knock at the door. They ask, "Who is it?" "Blind man!" The nuns look at each other and one nun says, "He's blind, so he can't see. What could it hurt?" They let him in. The blind man walks in and says, "Hey, nice boobs sisters, butt you shouldn't run around here naked until I hang the blinds."

``````

Yo mama is so ugly when the devil saw her, he started praying.

`````

If Mary had Jesus, and Jesus is the lamb of God, does that mean Mary had a little lamb?

`````

Jesus, Moses, and an old man go golfing. The first one to tee off is Moses. He smashes the ball and it is heading right for the water hazard before the green. Moses raises his club, the water parts, and the ball makes it to the green. Jesus gets up to swing, cranks it out, and it is headed for the water hazard. Jesus closes his eyes and prays. The ball skips across the water and lands on the green two feet from the hole. The old man's turn comes and he drives the ball. The ball looks like it is going to drop directly into the water. A fish jumps from the water hazard swallowing the ball, as an eagle drops from the sky, grabbing the fish. As the eagle flies over the green, a bolt of lightning strikes the eagle, making it drop the fish. As the fish hits the green, it spits out the ball and the ball falls into the hole, making a hole in one. Jesus looks at Moses and says, "I
think I'm leaving Dad at home next time!"

``````

An old man goes to a church, and is making a confession:
Man: "Father, I am 75 years old. I have been married for 50 years. All these years I had been faithful to my wife, but yesterday I was intimate with an 18 year old."
Father: "When was the last time you made a confession?"
Man: "I never have, I am Jewish."
Father: "Then why are telling me all this?"
Man: "I’m telling everybody!"

``````

Two little boys were known troublemakers, stealing everything they could get their hands, even from the church. One day a priest stopped one of the boys and asked, "Where is God?" The boy shrugged and the priest repeated, "Where is God?" The boy ran out of the cathedral crying to his home where he hid in a closet. Eventually his brother found him and asked, "What's wrong?" The crying boy replied, "We're in trouble now! God is missing and they think we took him!"

`````

A drunk staggers into a Catholic Church, enters a confessional booth, sits down, but says nothing. The Priest coughs a few times to get his attention, but the drunk continues to sit there. Finally, the Priest pounds three times on the wall. The drunk mumbles, "Ain't no use knockin'! There's no paper on this side either!"

``````

A priest, a minister, and a rabbi want to see who’s best at his job. So they each go into the woods, find a bear, and attempt to convert it. Later they get together. The priest begins: “When I found the bear, I read to him from the Catechism and sprinkled him with holy water. Next week is his first communion.” “I found a bear by the stream,” says the minister, “and preached God’s holy word. The bear was so mesmerized that he let me baptize him.” They both look down at the rabbi, who is lying on a gurney in a body cast. “Looking back,” he says, “maybe I shouldn't have started with the circumcision.”

``````

Q: What kind of car does Jesus drive?
A: A Christler.

``````

A Sunday school teacher asked her children on the way to service, "Why is it necessary for you to be quiet in church?" One little girl replied, "Because people are sleeping."

`````

Contest in a girl's college: write a short story which contains religion, sex and mystery.
Winner's story: "Oh god, I am pregnant, I wonder who did it."

`````

Q: Why do Jewish mothers make great parole officers?
A: They never let anyone finish a sentence!

```````

Good morning everyboomie. wave2


Thump Day already?? Oh yes, short week. Whew! I thought I'd lost a day. slapforehead


At my age losing a day could.....well, you know. wink


I don't have any extra days saved up at all. shocked


We had a lull in the rain, so I jumped on my trusty 20hp mower, and I rode it up and down the highway waving at all the cars behind me honking their horns. wave


Then I thought hey I may as well mow the lawn while I have this thing cranked up.....so I did. thumbsup


That's about all I did today, except for my semi-annual washing of my bed linen. bravo


I'm gonna sleep real good tonight by golly. razz


Have a happy day everyone.


joe


There are no strangers here; Only friends you haven’t yet met.

William Butler Yeats
Re: Happy Thump Day [Re: gymcandy1] #1162325
09/05/18 11:02 PM
09/05/18 11:02 PM
Joined: Jan 2004
Posts: 83,268
In the Naughty Corner
BrownEyedTigre Offline
The Sassy Admin and PR Liaison
BrownEyedTigre  Offline
The Sassy Admin and PR Liaison
Sonic Boomer

Joined: Jan 2004
Posts: 83,268
In the Naughty Corner
Joe, we had quite the storms here again too, but thankfully I managed to get done just in time. I had a crazy day long day.

Today will be busy too, and rainy. Yay! NOT! lol

Have a happy day all!

Ana wave


Don't feed the Trolls
Re: Happy Thump Day [Re: gymcandy1] #1162331
09/06/18 12:30 AM
09/06/18 12:30 AM
Joined: Mar 2009
Posts: 8,379
Arcadia (twin world of Stark)
venus Offline
BAAG Specialist
venus  Offline
BAAG Specialist

Joined: Mar 2009
Posts: 8,379
Arcadia (twin world of Stark)
Have a great Thursday Joe, Ana and all who follow. wave

Once again, I'm late for bed. woozy It's going to be a 5 store day tomorrow, so I have to make sure I get some sleep. Luckily, it's my "Friday." woot

Have a great Thursday, everyone. summer


Interrogator: [True or false?] All mangoes are golden. Nothing golden is cheap. Conclusion - all mangoes are cheap.

Helena: Where are these mangoes?
Re: Happy Thump Day [Re: gymcandy1] #1162336
09/06/18 05:03 AM
09/06/18 05:03 AM
Joined: Nov 2004
Posts: 25,109
Marlborough USA
Kaki's Sister Offline
Sonic Boomer
Kaki's Sister  Offline
Sonic Boomer

Joined: Nov 2004
Posts: 25,109
Marlborough USA
Good Morning Joe, Ana, venus and everyone. Joe any arrow head hunting on the schedule today? think Ana hope your day is less hectic! woozy Venus "Happy Friday"! yes Coffee and tea are ready.
summer Wishing everyone a Suer Thursday! summer


Gerry
Re: Happy Thump Day [Re: gymcandy1] #1162344
09/06/18 07:48 AM
09/06/18 07:48 AM
Joined: Jul 2002
Posts: 16,020
winter springs fl.
connie Offline
Graduate Boomer
connie  Offline
Graduate Boomer

Joined: Jul 2002
Posts: 16,020
winter springs fl.
Good morning everyone, have a Lovely Thump Day. Danish, Eggs, Grits, Hash Browns, BB Pancakes, Bacon, Sausage, and French Toast in the NC. zombie witch ghost


Connie
Re: Happy Thump Day [Re: gymcandy1] #1162390
09/06/18 07:12 PM
09/06/18 07:12 PM
Joined: Apr 2005
Posts: 37,658
Alabama
soot Offline
Puzzled Moderator
soot  Offline
Puzzled Moderator
Sonic Boomer

Joined: Apr 2005
Posts: 37,658
Alabama
Happy thump day Joe Ana Venus Gerry Connie and the rest of you GameBoomers!

Have a wonderful evening

wave2


Dan
...
To learn, read...To know, write...To master, teach...To live, play games & listen to whale music Stay Smart & Stay Safe
Re: Happy Thump Day [Re: gymcandy1] #1162426
09/07/18 01:15 AM
09/07/18 01:15 AM
Joined: Mar 2009
Posts: 8,379
Arcadia (twin world of Stark)
venus Offline
BAAG Specialist
venus  Offline
BAAG Specialist

Joined: Mar 2009
Posts: 8,379
Arcadia (twin world of Stark)
Good night, everyone. sleep


Interrogator: [True or false?] All mangoes are golden. Nothing golden is cheap. Conclusion - all mangoes are cheap.

Helena: Where are these mangoes?
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