Work like you don't need the money. Love like you've never been hurt. Dance like nobody's watching.
~Satchel Paige~
```````````````
What’s the proper plural of beer?
-
Sixpack.
````
Earl and Johnny go out on a hunting trip together. The nights are already cold so they don’t mind sharing the tent for one. At around 1 am, Earl wakes up suddenly: “Johnny, what do you think you’re doing?!”
Johnny: “My hands are cold, I was just warming them between these two pillows.”
Earl: "THOSE AREN'T PILLOWS!"
````
Job interviewer: “And where would you see yourself in five years’ time Mr. Jeffries?"
-
Me: "Personally I believe my biggest weakness is in listening."
````
What’s the difference between BOOM! Aaaaargh! And Aaaaaargh! BOOM!?
-
The difference is whether you’re falling from the 1st or the 10th floor.
````
Which tea is the most popular in psychiatries?
-
Insanitea
````
Women call me ugly occasionally. But that’s only until they hear how much money I make.
-
Then they say I’m poor and ugly.
````
Darling, do you think I’ve gotten too fat?
-
Worry not my dear. Every good steak has some proper lard.
````
MOM, Why did my washing machine stop pumping out water?
And more importantly, where is my hamster?
````
I made a beginner’s mistake and went shopping on an empty stomach. I am now the happy owner of aisle 7.
````
I have a very good feeling about my job interview today. The manager said they were looking for somebody responsible.
-
“You’ve found your man,” I responded, “whenever there was a problem in my last job, they always said that I was responsible!”
````
Father: “Son, you were adopted.”
Son: “What?! I knew it! I want to meet my biological parents!”
Father: “We are your biological parents. Now pack up, your new parents will pick you up in 20 minutes.”
````
Judge: “Why did you steal the car?”
Man: “I had to get to work.”
Judge: “Why didn’t you take the bus?”
Man: I don’t have a driver’s license for the bus.
````
Last words of a skydiver?
-
[blip] MOTHS!!!````
I have one thing to say to the invalid who stole my camouflage army jacket: You can hide, bro, but you can't run.
````
Give a man a fish and you will feed him for the day.
-
Teach a man to fish and he’s going to spend a fortune on gear he’ll only be using twice a year.
````
The police stop an old guy in questionable condition at 1 am.
-
“What are you doing out so late, sir?” asks the police officer.
-
“I’m going to a seminar on ‘The harmful effects of alcohol’,” replies the man.
-
“Are you pulling my leg or something?!“ says the police officer, „who would hold a seminar like that at this hour?!”
-
The man sighs, “my wife.”
````
A guy leans closer to his wife. „Can you keep a secret?“ he whispers to her.
-
“Sure I can,” says the wife, becoming curious.
-
“That’s good,” whispers the man again, “so can I.”
````
Bridget asks her son Paul, “Paul, would you say I’m pretty or ugly?”
-
“A bit of both, actually,” replies the teenager.
-
“How do you mean that?” asks the puzzled Bridget.
-
“I’d say you’re pretty ugly.”
````
Patient to his doctor: I have forgotten so many things lately, and it’s getting worse. What can I do?
-
Doctor: Yes, this is a known illness, unfortunately it has no cure. I’d also like to remind you about the $800 that you owe me?
````
Good morning everyboomie.
Looking forward to a lazy day here just gaming sleeping and watching movies.
Pretty much the same as I did Saturday.
Of course it being Sunday I may watch to see what inventive ways the Cowboys will find to lose their game.
They look 'ho hum' when they win. When they lose it's just embarrassing.
Bring back Tony!!
Have a happy day everyone.
joe
acebook
witter
Oh, well, at least I can still use the old internet in the meantime. Tomorrow, I can get back to gaming. 
