Live as if you were to die tomorrow. Learn as if you were to live forever.
~Mahatma Gandhi~
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An elderly man was on the operating table, about to be operated on by his son, a famous surgeon. Just before they put him under, he asked to speak to his son:
"Don’t be nervous, boy, just do your best and just remember, if it doesn’t go well, if something happens to me… your mother is going to come and live with you and your family."
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That awkward moment when you have eye contact while eating a banana.
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My dog once ate all the Scrabble tiles. He kept leaving messages around the house for days.
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Two men are stranded on a deserted island. One despairs, but the other one claps him assuredly on the back and says, “Don’t worry, they will definitely find us, and soon.”
“Really? Why do you think so?”
“I owe the IRS five years’ worth of taxes.”
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Why do people never eat clocks?
Because it’s really time consuming.
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There’s that moment when you put your steak on the grill and your mouth waters all over from that amazing smell.
Do you vegans feel the same when burning dead grass?“
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Three men are riding on a motorcycle. They pass a police patrol. The policeman shouts after them: “Police! Stop your vehicle now!” But they just continue driving past. The last man turns around and yells: „Sorry dude! We can’t take you on, we’re already one too many!”
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Do you know how to make a dumb person curious?”
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“No, how?”
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“I’ll tell you tomorrow.”
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Important note from a car manual:
Backing rapidly at a tree significantly reduces your trunk space.
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“Excuse me, sir, have you seen a police officer around?”
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“No, not a soul, actually.”
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“Very good, now give me your wallet, watch and laptop!”
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Tonight I dreamt of a beautiful walk on a sandy beach.
At least that explains the footprints I found in the cat litter box this morning.
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What do you get when you cross-breed a shark and a cow?
I have no idea but I wouldn’t try milking it.
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"I wasn't that drunk yesterday." "Oh no? You took the shower head in your arms and told it to stop crying."
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Women really know how to hold a grudge. My wife asked me to pass her a lip balm. And by mistake, I gave her a tube of Super Glue. It’s been a month now and she’s still not speaking to me!
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Boy complains to his father: You told me to put a potato in my swimming trunks! You said it would impress the girls at the pool! But you forgot to mention one thing!
Father: Really, what?
Boy: That the potato should go in the front.
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Sometimes it is very important if a sentence was said by a man or a woman. A good example: “I used a whole pack of tissues during that awesome movie yesterday!”
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Two elephants meet a totally naked guy. After a while one elephant says to the other: “I really don’t get how he can feed himself with that thing!”
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I just got a photo from a speeding camera through the mail. I sent it right back – way too expensive and really bad quality.
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Good morning everyboomie.
Let's see....this is.........
...........TODAY.
Dementia.
I hope you like all the jokes today. Remember, if you like them, I did find them on line, and I copied them, and I pasted them here in the diner for your reading pleasure.
If you don't like them, remember I did not write them.
We're going to be in the upper 80s today. Right near 90.
Upper 80s for the next four days before we drop back into the 70s.
I hope your day is pleasant in every respect.
Have a happy day everyone.
joe
acebook
witter
Halloween decorations are all up.