Happiness is when what you think, what you say, and what you do are in harmony.
~Mahatma Gandhi~
````````````````
When my wife starts to sing I always go out and do some garden work so our neighbors can see there's no domestic violence going on.
````
Husband brings the child home from kindergarten and asks his wife, "He’s been crying the whole way home. Isn’t he sick or something?"
"No," replies the wife, "he was just trying to tell you he isn’t our Frankie."
````
My friend Robbie shocked and hurt me. He told me today that I make people very uncomfortable and have no respect for personal space. I mean, what a thing to say to a friend? It totally ruined our bath!
````
8 p.m. I get an SMS from my girlfriend: Me or football?!
11 p.m. I SMS my girlfriend: You of course.
````
At a disco:
He: “Wow, what’s a cute girl like you doing in a corner all alone?”
-
She: “I had to [[blip]].”
````
Two police officers crash their car into a tree. After a moment of silence, one of them says, “Wow, that’s got to be the fastest we ever got to the accident site.”
````
A Japanese man in a monastery atop a sacred mountain asks the wise man:
-
"Master Ayumu, why do all Westerners think that Japanese people look alike?"
-
"I am not Master Ayumu."
````
Wait for me honey, I’m just finishing my make-up.
You don’t need make-up, Jane.
Oh, Richard…. really? That is so sweet of you!
You need plastic surgery.
````
Broccoli: Hey, I look like a tree.
Mushroom: Wow, I look just like an umbrella.
Walnut: I look exactly like a brain.
Banana: Man, can we change the topic please?
````
Pessimist: "Things just can't get any worse!"
Optimist: "Nah, of course they can!"
````
A nice old lady on a bus offers the driver some peanuts. He’s happy to take some. He asks her after a while why she isn’t having any herself.
“Oh, young man,” she says, “they’re too hard on my poor teeth, I couldn’t.”
“Why did you buy them at all then?” wonders the driver.
“You see, I just love the chocolate they’re covered in!”
````
Two men are discussing their lives. One says, "I’m getting married. I’m sick of a messy apartment, dirty dishes, and no clothes to wear." The other one says, "Hey, I’m getting divorced for the same reasons."
````
Two fortune tellers meet. First one says, “We’re going to have a hot summer again.” The second one sighs happily: “Yes, it reminds me of the summer in 2022…”
````
Scientists have now discovered how women keep their secrets. They do so within groups of 40.
````
A stutterer walks in to a doctor’s office and says, “Doc-c-c-tor, my s-s-s-stuttering is a real p-p-pain in the n-n-neck, please help.”
-
The doctor examines him and finally finds the root of the problem: “Well, Mr Denby, the thing is, your pecker is too big and takes up too much blood that would normally go in the brain. We have to operate and take at least a half of it off.”
-
A month after the operation the stutterer comes back for a check-up and sighs, “Doctor, it really helped my stuttering and that is a relief. But my wife is very unhappy with the situation. Could the amputated bit be sewn back on, please?”
-
Doctor: “Sorry, but n-n-n-n-no.”
````
What’s a state clerk’s favorite day of the week?
Tuesday. There’s no point starting anything new so shortly before the weekend.
````
My brother went to jail. He didn't take it very well. He was yelling insults and
attacking everyone, he even threw his feces on the wall. I don't think we will play Monopoly with him again.
````
Late one night a robber wearing a mask stopped a well-dressed man and stuck a gun in his ribs. "Give me your money," he demanded. Scandalized, the man replied, "You can’t do this – I’m a US Congressman!" "Oh! In that case," smiled the robber, "Give me MY money!"
````
Jesus can walk on water, correct?
(Yes)
Well, I can walk on cucumbers. As you may know, cucumbers are 98% water. So - I am 98% Jesus.
````
An almost hysterical man calls 911 and yells, "Please come quickly! Kailey is pregnant and her labor started now, it’s really intense!"
"Is this her first child?" asks the operator.
"No you idiot! It’s her husband!"
````
Good morning everyboomie.
What in the world is going on?
Just curious.
I had a busy day here trying to do some house cleaning, exercising, and the all important chore of keeping Missy entertained.
Riding a bicycle through the house while standing on my head doesn't amuse her anymore.
Singing in the shower definitely doesn't do anything for her.
She does like walks though. Thank God for that.
I hope your Friday is a great one.
Hey, it's Friday.
joe
acebook
witter
It's great to have the dogs to get you going even when you don't want to. 
