I believe that if life gives you lemons, you should make lemonade... And try to find somebody whose life has given them vodka, and have a party.
~Ron White~
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It remains a puzzle why a bra is singular and panties are plural.
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"Our restaurant’s snails are world-famous.”
“I know, one of them’s just been serving me.”
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That awkward moment when your entire Math class is discussing whether the result is 15 or 16 and your answer is -1053.
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Proper spelling and grammar is very important and for instance a coma can totally change the meaning of a statement.
Here’s an example:
"Travis is in a rush."
"Travis is in a coma."
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A five-year-old Mikey asks his Grandpa, “Grandpa, what do you call it when there are two people on top of each other in bed?”
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The Grandpa feels very uncomfortable but decides not to confuse the child and bravely says, “That’s intercourse, my boy.”
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“OK,” nods Mikey and off he goes.
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He comes back after five minutes and says, “Grandpa, that’s not right. I’ve just spoken to mom and she said that it’s not called intercourse but a bunk bed!”
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A guy wakes up in the morning and tells his wife: “Wow darling, you won’t believe what happened. I dreamt I was forced to eat a live sheep and now I can’t see my pillow anywhere!”
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The wife answers, “The pillow’s fine, it’s lying right there on the floor, but I have been calling our dog in vain for the past 5 minutes!”
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A guy asks his neighbor in an apartment building: “Mr Trepper, you live directly above me and you have the same 2-room apartment as I do. How many rolls of wallpaper did you buy when you moved in?
“We got 18 rolls,” answers the neighbor.
Two months later the guy meets his neighbor again and says, “It’s really funny – I put the wallpaper on everywhere and I still had 10 rolls left over.”
Neighbor smiles, “Yeah, so did we.“
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The person who thought it’s a good idea to put the light switch outside of the bathroom clearly didn’t have any siblings.
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That awkward moment when your girlfriend says she’s not hungry but ends up eating half of your food after you've just ordered for yourself.
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My teacher asked me to characterize myself in 5 words.
“Quite lazy.”
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A police officer stops a car and says: “Congratulations, sir! You are the 1,000,000th car to drive over this bridge – you win $10,000! What will you do with that money?”
The driver gets very emotional and says, “First of all, I’ll finally make my driver’s license!” The wife cuts in, “Don’t listen to him, officer, he’s still drunk!”
A hard-of-hearing granny from the back seat grumbles, “I knew we shouldn’t have taken the stolen car!”
A voice from the trunk adds, “Hey, are we past the border now?”
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I played our wedding video backwards yesterday. It really cheered me up to see how I take the ring off my wife’s finger, get out of the church and go drinking with my best friends.
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Driving a sports car and sticking to the speed limit is like going to McDonalds’ and having just the salad.
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A woman looking for a relationship places an ad, saying, “Looking for a guy that won’t beat me, won’t run away on me and will satisfy me nicely. Am good looking, excellent cook.”
Three days later, there’s a loud knocking at her door. Behind it there’s a guy with no arms and no legs, smiling expectantly. “Dear Amy,” he says, “I have no arms so I couldn’t even beat you if I tried. I have no legs and I can’t run away on you. I’m your guy.”
“That’s very nice,” says Amy, surprised, “but how will you be able to satisfy me?”
His smile widens, “You did hear the knocking, didn’t you?”
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Police officer: “Sir, I don’t understand. You lost the credit card a year ago, why are you reporting it now?”
Guy: “The thief wasn’t spending nearly as much as my wife used to…”
Police officer: “But why report it now?”
Guy: “I think the thief’s wife got hold of it now.”
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Good morning everyboomie.
Not to say Hi and Bye or anything like that, but I need to get this posted so I can get out and mow the lawn.
We were supposed to be like 83 degrees today with 80% rain chances, and we have been abundantly sunny and abundantly humid and 88 degrees for most of the day.
Now they're calling for abundant thunderstorms for a couple of day, so I gotta jump on that mower and get it done before it's abundantly wet.
I'm abundantly reluctant to go do it right now but.....
I'm thinking about putting a supercharged motor in my mower.
Whatever your day brings, I hope it's abundantly happy.
joe
acebook
witter
Happy Sunday everyone! 
I think I need a vacation. 
