I am happy to say that everyone that I have met in my life, I have gained something from them; be it negative or positive, it has enforced and reinforced my life in some aspect.
~Walter Payton~
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The view of a female cleavage reduces the concentration of a male by 50% (per breast).
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A fat guy and a thin guy meet:
Fat guy: “When I see you, I’d think a famine broke out!”
Thin guy: “And when I see you, I’d think you’re the one responsible for that!”
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Most of the time, when you cry, nobody notices the tears you shed. Most of the time, when you're facing trouble, nobody feels your pain. But try passing gas in public just one time!
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Today I ran from a ticket inspector. He chased me through half the train. When he finally caught me, he wasn’t very amused to find that I actually do have the ticket.
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Having an argument in the times of auto correct.
"You’re really sucked up."
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"I ate you."
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"You’re a stupid grass mole."
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A guy saves a frog from a forest fire. The frog turns out to be a magical frog, and is very grateful to the man for having saved its life. So the frog offers to grant him three wishes.
The man says, “Great. So I want:
1. Lifelong access to any cinema,
2. I want to be 10 years younger and
3. I want a highway that goes straight from here to Hawaii.
“I’m happy to help you but the third wish is really difficult. You'll have to wish for something else instead of that third wish,” says the frog.
“OK,” agrees the man reluctantly, “in that case I’d like to finally understand women.”
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The frog looks at him for a while: “And should the highway be a three-lane or a four-lane one?”
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“Waiter, could you bring me some tooth picks, please?”
“I’m sorry sir but you’ll have to wait a little bit, they are currently all in use.”
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Petra comes back from the bathroom in a café where she was sitting with her friend Nicole.
Nicole says, “Listen, I think your electric toothbrush must have switched itself on in your handbag.”
Petra replies, “But I don’t have an electric t… Oh yeah, that darned toothbrush!”
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I can’t believe I forgot to go to the gym today. That’s 7 years in a row now.
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Why haven’t there been any shark attacks on lawyers? Sharks observe professional courtesy.
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A child’s observation: If a mother laughs at dad’s jokes, we have guests.
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My boss told me yesterday, “Don’t dress for the job you have, dress for the job you want”. But when I turned up at the office today in Ghostbusters gear, the [blip] said I was fired.
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The Queen takes the visiting pope for a ride in a carriage through London.
Suddenly one of the horses [farts] very loudly. “I am terribly sorry,” apologizes the embarrassed Queen.
The pope replies, “Oh don’t worry, if you hadn’t said anything, I’d just think it was the horse!”
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About 4,000 years ago:
God: I shall create a great plague and every living thing on Earth will die!
Fish: *Winks at God and slips him a $20 note*
God: Correction, I shall create a great flood!
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A woman is at a doctor after her husband’s check-up.
The doctor looks serious and says, “Mrs Connelly, your husband is very sick. He needs to rest and not get upset. I will prescribe you some sleeping pills.”
“Ok,” nods Mrs Connelly, “and how often should he take those?”
“Oh, they’re not for him, Mrs Connelly, they’re for you.”
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Little Johnny once bought his Grandma a very nice, luxurious toilet brush for her birthday. But when he went to visit her a couple of weeks later, it wasn't in the bathroom.
Little Johnny asked his Grandma, “Gran, what happened to the toilet brush I gave you?”
“Darling, I'm sorry but I just didn’t like it. It was too scratchy. After all those years, I’ve gotten used to the toilet paper.”
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A man to a psychiatrist: “How do you select who should be admitted to your facility?”
The psychiatrist replies: “We fill a bathtub with water and give the person a spoon, a cup and a bucket. Then we ask that person to empty the bathtub.”
The man smiles: “Ah, I understand, if you are sane you would take the bucket.”
The Psychiatrist replies: “No, a sane guy pulls the plug. Do you want a room with or without a balcony?”
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I got a really cute dog and called him Threemiles. It sounds great to say I walk Threemiles twice a day.
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Two planets meet. One moans to the other: “Can you believe it, I’ve got humans!”
The other cheers her up: “Don’t worry, it will pass soon.”
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When a guy says he likes girls with a sense of humor, he doesn't mean that he wants a girl to be really witty and funny. He means he wants her to laugh at his jokes.
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Good morning everyboomie.
Welcome to the weekend!
If you're not ready for the weekend I suggest you walk backwards.
As for me, let me at the weekend!
Yesterday is in the past, and I like putting the past behind me. Whut??
Any time I want to forget the past, i get up and walk in another room.
I always forget why I went in the other room so I just lump all my other old memories in there with it.
I'm gonna shut up now.
Have a happy day everyone.
joe
acebook
witter
Joe! Never shut up! I enjoy your ramblings, you make me smile. 
no don't shut we love your funny jokes 
, family 
nice beer stew sounds yummy take care all and happy gaming. 
Wishing everyone a Sunny Day! 
happy gaming.