The foundation of success in life is good health: that is the substratum fortune; it is also the basis of happiness. A person cannot accumulate a fortune very well when he is sick.
~P. T. Barnum~
``````````````
I made cookies for you. It is an apology because I crashed your car.
-
YOU DID WHAT?!
-
Cookies. I made cookies for you
````
Tom and Anna are both 60 years old and have been married for 40 years.
One day they go for a walk and all of a sudden a good fairy stands in front of them and says, “You’ve been married for so long and you’re so cute together, I’ll grant you a wish each.”
The woman is beside herself with joy and wishes for a trip to Thailand. Poof – she’s holding two tickets to Thailand and a five star hotel voucher for two.
-
The man says, “Wow, that’s one chance in a lifetime! I’m sorry, darling, but I wish I had a wife that’s 30 years younger than me.”
-
“Are you sure?” asks the fairy.
-
“Yes!” replies Tom without hesitation.
-
Poof once more – and he’s 90 years old.
````
A man and his wife are getting ready for a gala event. The wife gets into her dress and asks her husband, "Does this make my butt look too big, Derek?"
-
The husband sighs and says, "Sweetie, do you promise that you won’t get angry, no matter what I say?"
-
The wife gulps and says, "Of course, Derek, I promise, I won’t get angry."
-
The husband looks her over from all sides and says, "I slept with your cousin."
````
I am coughing and my nose is stuck.
-
Internet diagnosis: I am 26 weeks pregnant!
````
A boy is sitting on a bus and eating one piece of chocolate after the other. A man sits down next to him and says: “Eating so much chocolate is not healthy for you boy.”
The boy replies: “My grandfather died when he was 112 years old.”
The man asks: “You think he became so old because he was eating lots of chocolate?”
The boy answers: “He became so old because he minded his own business.”
````
Funny, those road signs: "Caution - Watch for children!" I mean, how dangerous can a child be?
````
A guy walks into a bar and says urgently to the bartender, "Give me a beer before trouble starts!" He drinks his beer and orders another, again saying, "Give me a beer before trouble starts!" The bartender is confused but lets it go for another two beers, when he finally asks, "Hey man, when are you gonna pay for those beers?" The guy answers, "And now the trouble starts!
````
“Oh no, Roger, why did you two split up?”
-
“She’s a liar and a cheat! She said she was at her sister’s all night!”
-
“So? Maybe she was.”
-
“Yeah, no way. I was at her sister’s all night!”
````
"Granny, why do you read obituaries every day?
-
Don't worry grandson. I just want to see who is single again.
````
A drunk guy stumbles into a bar and says, „Those to my left you are all jerks. Those to my right, you are all idiots!“
A tall, muscular guy slowly stands up, puts on his cowboy hat and quietly says to the guy, “Well, I don’t think I’m an idiot at all.”
“Alright,” agrees the guy, “you can go on the left.”
````
A well-known hunter was once asked if it was true that the jungle predators will never attack a person carrying a lit torch. “That is true,” he responded, “but it does depend at what speed you are carrying that torch.”
````
A glass of Nutella has about 9870 calories. But I don’t care. I never eat the glass anyway.
````
I found my wife hanging from a rope in the attic.
There was a note saying, "I really can't stand your criticsm any longer!"
I quickly cut the rope and reanimated her. Thankfully I could bring her back to life.
As she lay in my arms I could see her eyes slowly open and I said, "Come on, that's not how you spell criticism."
````
Good morning everyboomie.
How was your weekend?
We had rain all night last night, and most of the day today.
As a matter of fact, I'm without internet right now because of a storm that's blowing rain sideways big time.
Maybe my truck will get washed.
I hope it passes quickly though. Both the Cowboys and the Texans play tonight.
You know what that means don't you? Yep, they're playing each other.
Maybe they'll tie.
I think it just rained an inch in about 10 minutes.
Have a happy day everyone.
joe
acebook
witter
