The reason I talk to myself is because I’m the only one whose answers I accept.
~George Carlin~
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The Best of Black Humor / Dark Jokes
Evil, mean, morbid and sarcastic jokes, quite tasteless and lacking class. Enjoy!````
I was hiking once with my girlfriend. Suddenly a huge brown bear was charging at us, really mad. We must have come close to her cubs. Luckily I had my 9mm pistol with me. One shot to my girlfriend's kneecap was all it took. I could walk away at a comfortable pace.
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What do you give an armless child for Christmas?
Nothing, he wouldn’t be able to open it anyways.
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You know you're ugly when you get handed the camera every time they make a group photo.
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You can’t say that Hitler was bad through and through. He did kill Hitler, after all.
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Even people who are good for nothing have the capacity to bring a smile to your face, for instance when you push them down the stairs.
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A priests asks the convicted murderer at the electric chair, "Do you have any last requests?”
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"Yes," replies the murderer. "Can you please hold my hand?"
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Wow, honey, I never thought our son would go that far!
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Yeah, that catapult is really amazing. Go get our daughter!
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Tombstone engraving: I TOLD you I was sick!
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“You da bomb!”
“No, you da bomb!”
In America – a compliment. In the Middle East – an argument.
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Oh daddy, I love you so much!
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Hey, until we get the DNA test, I’m just Harry to you!
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At a first date:
He: “I work with animals every day!”
She: “Oh how sweet! What is it that you do?”
He: “I’m a butcher.”
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How can you tell your acne is really starting to get out of hand?
The blind start reading your face.
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"Madam, your son just called me ugly!"
The mother apologizes shamefacedly, "I'm so sorry, I must have told him like a thousand times it is wrong to judge people just from how they look..."
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One man's trash is another Man's treasure? Wonderful saying, horrible way to find out that you were adopted.
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I finally got one of those roof boxes for the car. It's very practical. I can barely hear my kids now.
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A box of condoms, please.
That’ll be $3.99. Do you want a bag with it?
Nah I’m OK. She’s actually quite pretty.
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What do you get when you cross a bunny and a Rottweiler?
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Just the Rottweiler.
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Where exactly are you taking me, doctor?"
"To the morgue."
"What? But I’m not dead yet!"
"And we’re not there yet."
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I got a job as a librarian, but it only lasted half an hour.
Turns out, books about women's rights shouldn’t go in the Sci-Fi / Fantasy section.
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My old aunts would come and tease me at weddings, “Well Sarah? Do you think you’ll be next?”
We’ve settled this quickly once I’ve started doing the same to them at funerals.
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Titanic: „And I’m nominating all passengers for the Ice Bucket Challenge!”
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Good morning everyboomie.
I can't believe we're going on Sunday already.
My friend cancelled out for Saturday's arrowhead hunt. He had to work mandatory overtime.
It was after 10:00 when I found out so I loaded Missy in the truck and headed out to the sod farm.
We didn't get there until almost 11:00. I spent probably 2 to 3 hours searching in my usual area in the back corner. I found one small point, and a nice scraper. Then I drove to the other side to a very large area of bare ground where I had to trudge through all the mud the last time. Within 10 minutes of getting out of my truck,I found 2 points. In the next hour and a half I found 2 more. By then I was really tired, and my feet were killing me. Missy was very tired and hungry too, so I decided to call it quits. Then I thought to myself, "How often do I get to come out here when it's so ideal for head hunting?" I decided to stay a little longer, and I concentrated on looking in the areas where I couldn't see any of my footprints. That's when I found the biggest, nicest point of the day.
So I came home with 6 nice points, and got back at around 4:00. Tired yes, but a very happy camper.
That's probably the most points I've ever found out there in one day. I'm glad I went.
I tell you though, we only got up to close to 70 while I was out there, but I was sweating like a pig out in the sun. I had to take my headphones off, take my cap off, and put on my big straw hat. Fortunately the wind picked up and helped cool me down.
Have a happy Sunday everyone.
joe
acebook
witter
My grandson completed his, and then all the adults did theirs. What a fantastic feeling to have 3 generations running! 
Have a Great Sunday everyone! 
Joe, congratulations on the trophy day while you were walking "point" for the team ... take Sunday off 