“They don’t make pizza or beer out of celery. And that is all you need to know about celery.”
~Bill Murray~
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Really Funny One Liners What is white and flies up?
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A retarded snowflake
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What do you get when you wake up on a workday and realize you ran out of coffee?
A depresso.
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I used to breed rabbits. Then I realized they can handle it themselves.
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My dog is an awesome fashion adviser. Every time I ask him what I look like in my clothes, he says “WOW!”
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Google request:
How to disable autocorrect in wife?
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Why are eggs not very much into jokes? Because they could crack up.
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What do you call the soft tissue between a shark's teeth?
A slow swimmer.
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I went to see the doctor about my short-term memory problems. The first thing that bum did was made me pay in advance.
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Women usually claim childbirth is the most painful experience of their lives. Until they start stepping on Legos approximately three years later.
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Does your horse smoke?
[No.]
Well, then I think your stable is burning.
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What are a shark’s two most favorite words?
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Man overboard!
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“Waiter, the steak is smelling very strongly of liquor!”
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The waiter backs up 3 steps and asks, “How’s that now?”
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I ran into my ex in town yesterday. Then I backed up and ran into him again.
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Need cheering up? Start a fight with somebody when they have the hiccoughs!
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I don’t think women should be allowed to have kids after 40. 40 kids is way too many by any standard.
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What is Jesus' favorite food?
Cheeses.
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What is written on a dentist’s grave?
He’s filling his last cavity.
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Losing a wife can be very tough. Some may even say impossible.
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What is sticky and brown?
A stick!
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A man drops his phone on a concrete floor. The phone is fine, no damage. How come?
He had it on airplane mode.
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Two snails are chatting on the sidewalk. “I’ll have to cross the road,” says one.
“Well, be careful,” says the other one, “there’s a bus coming in an hour.“
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What do you get when you cross-breed a cow and a shark?
I don’t know, but I wouldn't enjoy milking it.
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Meanwhile in a parallel universe: “Oh for God’s sake! Where are all these extra single socks coming from?!”
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What is pointless?
To tell a bald guy a hair-raising story.
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What do you call a bull that likes taking a nap?
A bulldozer!
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Why do bees hum?
They don't remember the words!
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What happens to mountains when they touch each other?
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Answer: Nothing.
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What do you call a boomerang that doesn't come back?
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A stick.
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What do you call a vegan with diarrhea?
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A smoothie maker.
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Yesterday I learnt that 20 piranhas can strip all flesh off a man within 15 minutes.
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Unfortunately, I also lost my job at the local swimming pool.
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What swims and starts with a T?
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Two ducks.
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Ghoul morning everyBOOmie.
Get this.....
I think they're bonkers, but I like it. 
So today.....Halloween.....is going to be cold and rainy all day. Typical.
I really loved Halloween time when I worked in the malls, because I got to see so many cute little trick-or-treaters all dressed up.
At least I got my truck fixed this morning, and don't have to do it tomorrow in the rain.
I was the first person there....at 6:30....
....but there was a guy right behind me. Another old geezer driving a truck exactly like mine.
His was dirty though.
Have a spooky day everyone.
joe
acebook
witter
Happy Halloween it's good that you got your truck fix before the rain, have a wonderful Spooky day. 
and Venus 
have a great day and wonderful sleep. 
have a wonderful time at the Eagles tonight.. 
