“As a family we couldn’t decide whether to have Grandma buried or cremated, so in the end we decided to let her live.”
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~Gary Delaney~
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Funny Clean Jokes | Part 2Best first: What do you name a bear without an ear?
Answer: B
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A man goes to the lawyer: “What is your fee?”
Lawyer says: “1000 US dollars for 3 questions.”
Man: “Wow - so much! Isn’t it a bit expensive?”
Lawyer: “Yes, what is your third question?”
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Police officer: “Your car is too heavily overloaded. I simply cannot let you continue like that. I’m going to have to take away your driver’s license.”
Driver: “You’re kidding me, right? The license can only weigh one ounce tops!”
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When I look at chocolate, I hear two voices in my head.
The first one says: “You need to eat that chocolate.”
The other voice goes: “You heard right. Eat the chocolate!”
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Two years ago I asked the girl of my dreams on a date, today I asked her to marry me.
She said no, on both occasions.
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Insurance clerk: "Where were you born, Sir?"
Man: "In the United States."
Insurance clerk: "OK, and which part?"
Man: "My entire body."
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My wife is a bit weird. She always starts her talking with “Michael, are you listening to me?”
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A man hired a lawyer when he got sued by his company for embezzlement of many millions. At the beginning of the process, the lawyer kindly reassured him: „Don’t worry, you’ll never go to jail with that amount of money.“
And the lawyer was right. By the time he went to jail, the lawyer had drained his bank account dry.
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Does your dog bite?
Nope.
Oh, so how do you feed him?
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Do you want to hear a joke backwards?
Yes…
Very good, start laughing.
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My SMS autocorrect just changed "I’m so concerned with existential anxieties it is difficult to breathe" to "I feel great".
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Why couldn’t Mrs. Dracula sleep properly?
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Because of Dracula’s coffin.
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The police stops a computer hardware engineer: “Your light isn’t working. You have to get off your bike.”
IT guy: “I tried that but the light still isn’t working.”
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Bus driver to passenger: Don’t you want to sit down?
Passenger: No, I am in a hurry.
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Nothing ruins a great Friday more than realizing it’s actually Wednesday.
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What did the judge ask when he went to the dentist?
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“Do you swear to pull the tooth, the whole tooth and nothing but the tooth?”
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My friend boasted he had the body of a Greek god. I had to explain where Buddha actually comes from.
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“Mom, don't get alarmed, but I’m at the hospital.”
“Son, please. You’ve been a surgeon there for 8 years now. Can we start our phone calls differently?”
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Why is it a bad idea to insult an octopus?
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Because it is well armed.
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What if dogs fetch the ball back only because they think you really like throwing it?
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“Johnny, why did you put your teddy bear in the freezer?”
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“I would like to have a polar bear.”
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In a boutique:
Could I try the dress in the shop window, please?
I’m sorry madam but no. We have cabins for that.
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Man to his wife: “Do you know what our 6 year old son wants to be once he’s big?”
Wife: “No.”
Man: “A garbage man. And you know why?”
Wife: “No, why?”
Man: “Because he thinks they only work on Tuesdays.”
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Good morning everyboomie.
Whew!! Got through Monday without incident.
Mondays are such dangerous days.
Just getting out of bed on Monday can be hazardous to your health.
That's why I stay in bed all day long on Monday. At 67 I don't want to take any undue risk.
Missy doesn't like it, but I think that if I can hold my water all day, so can she.
My friend brought Beau out today. He was getting anxious to get out of the house. I'm always happy to have the little man come visit us.
We went to the park, and then to Walmart. Sheesh!! Talk about taking your life in your hands. How about Walmart on Thanksgiving week.
Have a happy Tuesday everyone.
Don't forget to vote.
During the next election.
joe
acebook
witter
We shouldn't forget to vote...the media will ensure all know it's that time again 
Wishing you all a wonderful Tuesday! 
sounds like Walmart would've been crazy omg, take care and have a happy Tuesday.
not long to the weekend, hope it goes quick for you 
looks like it's that time again have a good sleep. 
have a yummy breakfast have a super day. 
