I stopped believing in Santa Claus when I was six. Mother took me to see him in a department store and he asked for my autograph.
~Shirley Temple~
````````````````
'Waiter - There's a Fly in My Champagne'A multi-national company held a reception to celebrate Christmas. The waiter gave each guest a glass of champagne, but on inspection, each guest noticed that their glass contained a fly.
The Swede asked for new champagne in the same glass.
The Englishman demanded to have new champagne in a new glass.
The Finn picked out the fly out and drank the champagne.
The Russian drank the champagne, fly and all.
The Chinese ate the fly but left the champagne.
The Israeli caught the fly and sold it to the Chinese.
The Italian drank two thirds of the champagne and then demanded to have a new glass.
The Norwegian took the fly and went off to fish.
The Irishman ground the fly and mixed it in the champagne, which he then donated to the Englishman
The American sued the restaurant and claimed for a $50 million compensation.
The Scotsman grabbed the fly by the throat and shouted, 'Now spit out all that you swallowed.'
````
Jennifer was a pretty 18 year old girl. In the week before Christmas she sauntered up to the curtain counter, and was trying to decide which of the many types of tinsel she would buy. Finally, she made her choice and asked the spotty youth who was manning the fabric section. 'How much is this gold tinsel garland'.
The spotty youth pointed to the Christmas mistletoe above the counter and said, 'This week we have a special offer, just one kiss per metre'.
'Wow, that's great', said Jennifer, 'I'll take 12 metres'.
With expectation and anticipation written all over his face, the boy measured out the tinsel, wrapped up the garland, and gave it to Jennifer.
She then called to an old man who had been browsing through the Christmas trees and said, 'My Grandpa will settle the bill.'
````
The Funniest Christmas Riddles and Puns I went to the Canary Islands on holiday this year, didn't see one canary.
Going to the Virgin Islands next year, can't wait. Ed Byrne
Why did the turkey cross the road?
Are you kidding? It's Christmas - he should run a mile. Stephen K Amos
Why did the atheist cross the road?
So he could see both sides. Tom Wrigglesworth
A woman walks into a bar and asks for a double entendre ......
So the barman gives her one. Meera Syal
How many ears has Captain Kirk got?
Three: the left ear, the right ear, and the final front ear. Ben Miller
What does a frog do if his car breaks down?
He gets it toad away.
Never read a popup book about giraffes. Sean Lock
Be careful with drinking this Christmas. I got so drunk last night I found myself dancing in a cheesy bar... Or, as you like to call it, delicatessen.
Sean Hughes
Man: I'll have the steak and kiddley pie, please.
Waiter: I think you mean steak and kidney?
Man: That's what I said, diddle I? Alexander Armstrong
I've started dating this Jewish podiatrist.
I'm in love with her footspa. Phil Nichol
Where do Snow-women like to dance?
At Snowballs.
How do you know if Santa is really a werewolf?
He has Santa claws! Dave Hill
What do you give a railway station master for Christmas?
Platform shoes. Will
````
Alex was five; all his Christmas presents were always signed, 'from Father Christmas.'
A little while after Alex had opened all his presents on Christmas morning, we became aware that he was looking quite down in the mouth for no obvious reason.
'What's the matter, Al?' I asked.
'Ummmm', replied Alex slowly, 'I really hoped that you and Mummy would give me something for Christmas'.
````
Out of the Mouths... Amusing Christmas Story Rudolph the red nosed reindeerDaniel aged 4, returned from Sunday school with a new perspective on the Christmas story.
He had learned all about the wise men from the east who brought gifts to the baby Jesus.
Daniel was so excited he just had to tell his parents, 'I learned in Sunday School today all about the very first Christmas. There wasn't a Santa Claus way back then, so these three blokes on camels had to deliver all the toys. And Rudolph the Red-nosed Reindeer with his nose so bright wasn't there yet, so they had to have this big light in the sky to find their way around'.
````
What do you get if Santa comes down your chimney when the fire is ablaze?
Crisp Kringle.
Why does rain drop, but snow fall?
(Nobody can answer this conundrum)
What do you call people who are frightened of Santa?
Will's Answer: Claustraphopic. (Guy's answer: Non-existent)
Sterling silver charms to bring good fortune.
Notice on the back: 'Potential choking hazard: do not use with food'.
What do you get if you team Santa with a detective?
Santa Clues!
What do you get when you cross a vampire and a snowman?
Frostbite.
What is the difference between the Christmas alphabet and the ordinary alphabet?
The Christmas alphabet has No L (Noel).
````
Will and Guy Suspect British Law is Crackers. The 1875 Explosives Act, currently in force in the UK, apparently considers Christmas crackers to be covered by this archaic law. This means that an 'explosive' cracker cannot be sold to minors.
This law was shown up to be so stupid when 22 year old student, Heather Walsh, attempted to buy a box of 10, for Christmas Day in her local Marks and Spencer's in York, England. Asked if she was over 16 years old Miss Walsh, who has an University degree was told the 'crackers were classed as explosives', Will and Guy have learned. She was told by staff that they were 'protecting me by not selling me them and they suggested that if I was left alone with the crackers I couldn't be trusted and might blow myself up.'
You couldn't make it up, and we think that this law is definitely CRACKERS.
````
Why doesn't Santa suffer from claustrophobia when climbs down the chimney?
Because has had his flue jab.
What did Cinderella say when the chemist lost her photographs?
Someday my prints will come. (Prince)
What do you get from a pampered cow?
Spoiled milk.
What did the reindeer say before launching into his comedy routine?
This will sleigh you.
What do lions sing at Christmas?
Jungle bells!
What does it mean when the flag is at half-mast at the post office?
They're hiring.
What did Adam say to his girlfriend on December 24th?
'It's Christmas! Eve.'
What did the grape say when the elephant stepped on it?
Nothing. It just let out a little wine.
Mike walks into a bar with a newt on his shoulder.
The barmaid looks at the creature and asks the man what he calls it.
'Tiny', answers Mike.
'Why's that?' enquires the barmaid.
'Because he's my newt' concludes Mike. (Will had to explain this riddle to me. My newt - minute)
````
Good morning everyboomie.
A nuther day is behind us. That's about all I have room for.
I have a tiny hiny.
But what a day it was.
What day you ask? Why it was a Monday....I think.
When I no longer need the info, my mind just lets go of it.
I went to Walmart yesterday. Today I'll most likely go to Sam's.
I hope your day holds great things for you all.
Have a happy day all.
joe
acebook
witter
Are you counting down the days? 
at the vet. Hope he has a quick and easy fix for Jupiter. 
