He who has not Christmas in his heart will never find it under a tree.
~Roy L. Smith~
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An male elf was so paranoid about the size of his willy that he could never work up the courage to have sex.
Then one day he fell in love with a elf nurse.
One fine evening, they went back to her place.
She put on some soft music and led him into the bedroom.
Totally mortified, he told her of his problem. "Don't worry," She said. "I'm a nurse.
I won't laugh." Blushing the man drops his trousers.
"It's OK," she said. "I've seen lots smaller than that."
"Really?" the relieved elf asked.
She nodded. "Yes," she chuckled, "I used to work in the maternity unit."
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TOP 10 USES FOR HOLIDAY FRUITCAKES 10. Use slices to balance that wobbly kitchen table.
9. Use instead of sand bags during El Nino.
8. Send to U.S. Air Force, let troops drop them.
7. Use as railroad ties.
6. Use as speed bumps to foil the neighborhood drag racers.
5. Collect ten and use them as bowling pins.
4. Use instead of cement shoes.
3. Save for next summer's garage sale.
2. Use slices in next skeet-shooting competition.
1. Two words, pin cushion.
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It was slightly before Thanksgiving. My trip went reasonably well, and I was ready to go back home.
The airport had turned a tacky red and green, and loudspeakers blared annoying elevator renditions of cherished Christmas carols.
Being someone who took Christmas very seriously, and being slightly tired, I was not in a particularly good mood.
As I went to check in my luggage, I saw hanging mistletoe. Not real mistletoe, but very cheap plastic with red paint on some of the rounder parts and green paint on some of the flatter, and pointier parts, that could be taken for mistletoe only in a very Picasso sort of way.
With a considerable degree of irritation and nowhere else to vent it, I said to the attendant, "Even if I were not married, I would not want to kiss you under such a ghastly mockery of mistletoe."
"Sir, look more closely at where the mistletoe is."
(pause)
"Ok, I see that it's above the luggage scale, which is the place you'd have to step forward for a kiss."
"That's not why it's there."
(pause)
"Ok, I give up. Why is it there?"
"It's there so you can kiss your luggage goodbye."
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In a small Southern town there was a "Nativity Scene" that showed great skill and talent had gone into creating it.
One small feature bothered me. The three wise men were wearing firemen's helmets.
Totally unable to come up with a reason or explanation, I left.
At a "Quick Stop" on the edge of town, I asked the lady behind the counter about the helmets.
She exploded into a rage, yelling at me, "You Yankees never do read the Bible!"
I assured her that I did, but simply couldn't recall anything about firemen in the Bible.
She jerked her Bible from behind the counter and ruffled through some pages, and finally jabbed her finger at a passage.
Sticking it in my face she said, "See, it says right here, 'The three wise man came from afar.'"
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t was Christmas Eve. A poor old lady was sitting alone, except for her cat, in her tiny house, in front of a small fire. Suddenly, there was a flash of light, and the old woman's good fairy appeared in the room. The old woman was astonished, but the fairy reassured her: "Don't be afraid! I am your good fairy. You are very poor, and all alone at Christmas, so I have come to grant you three wishes, to cheer you up." The old woman was about to speak, but the fairy held up her hand. "Wait!" she said. "Before you make a wish, think carefully! You will get exactly what you wish for, and no wish can be undone!" So the old woman sat silently, staring at the fire and thinking. Eventually, she spoke: "First", she said, "I want to be very, very wealthy." Poof! Immediately, the tiny house was packed with pots full of gold coins, and sacks of bank-notes. There was more money than anyone could spend in an entire lifetime. The old woman looked around and smiled. She thought some more, and spoke again: "Next", she said, "I want to be young and beautiful again, like I was when I was 18." Poof! The old woman disappeared. In her place sat a beautiful young woman, with smooth, white skin and long, golden hair. The woman looked at her hands and arms, felt her hair, and smiled. "Third", she said to the fairy, "I want you to change my cat into a handsome young prince, who will love me and take care of me all my life!" Poof! The fairy disappeared, and the cat leapt up from his place by the fire as a handsome young prince. He reached out to the woman, pulled her to her feet, embraced her, and kissed her passionately. Then as he gazed into her eyes he said: "Now you're really going to be really sorry that you took me to the vet!"
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Twas the night before Christmas and throughout the substation,
Not a deputy stirred, they were all on vacation.
The stockings were hung on the wall with great care,
Next to some T-shirts and old underwear.
I was working the night shift compiling stats,
Answering the phone, and feeding the rat.
When all of a sudden there arose such a clatter,
I leapt from my desk to see what was the matter!
I opened the door with a creak and a crick,
And saw a jolly red fat man I knew must be St. Nick.
I had seen his picture a time or two,
He was wanted: Article 27 - Section 342.
I threw open the door and commanded him "Freeze!"
"Put your hands on you head and get down on your knees."
But he turned and he ran, up the chimney he flew,
With me in pursuit, toward Booth St. I knew.
When we got to the roof Santa made for his sleigh,
Throwing down toys and blocking my way.
As I got to the peak, he threw down some crack,
I slipped and I fell landing flat on my back.
To my front I was faced with a toy M-1 tank,
And Pink Power Rangers covering my flank.
"On Dasher, on Dancer!", he cried loud and clear.
Then I got off three rounds and dropped the lead deer.
And I heard Santa say as he sailed into the blue,
"Merry Christmas to all! My Lawyers will sue!"
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Good morning everyboomie.
This is it! The last day.
In just a few hours, Santa's on his way.
I hope you all stay safe and warm, and your families too.
Happy Christmas Eve to you.
joe
acebook
witter
to all of the GB members, enjoy the day.
It's a marvelous piece of kit which my hubby can operate with no strain to himself. My freedom chair! 
