Those who gave thee a body, furnished it with weakness; but He who gave thee Soul, armed thee with resolution. Employ it, and thou art wise; be wise and thou art happy.
~Akhenaton~
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New Year's Day: Now is the accepted time to make your regular annual good resolutions. Next week you can begin paving hell with them as usual.
Mark Twain
One resolution I have made, and try always to keep, is this: To rise above the little things.
John Burroughs
Good resolutions are simply checks that men draw on a bank where they have no account.
Oscar Wilde
Alcofrolic's Funny New Resolutions2016: I will not take a drink before 6:00 p.m.
2017: I will not open the bottle before noon.
2018: I will not let drinking become a problem.
2019: I promise not to miss any AA meetings.
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Diet to Start the New YearFunny New Year Resolutions - Diet
This is a specially formulated diet designed to help WOMEN cope with the stress that builds during the day. I have found that this really works!!
BREAKFAST* 1 Grapefruit
* 1 slice whole-wheat toast
* 1 cup skim milk
LUNCH* 1 small portion lean, steamed chicken with a cup of spinach
* 1 cup herbal tea
* 1 Penguin Biscuit
AFTERNOON TEA* The rest of the Penguins from the packet
* 1 tub of Gino Ginelli ice cream with chocolate topping
DINNER* 4 bottles of wine (red or white)
* 2 loaves garlic bread
* 1 family size Supreme pizza
* 3 snickers bars
LATE NIGHT SNACK* 1 whole cheesecake (eaten directly from the freezer)Stressed - Deserts
FINALLY REMEMBER: "Stressed" spelled backwards is desserts".
Send this to four women and you will lose 2 kilograms.
Send this to all the women you know (or ever knew) and you will lose 10 kilograms.
IF you delete this message you will gain 10 kilograms.
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A Romantic New Year's Day StoryA married couple had been out shopping for most of the day. Suddenly the wife realised that her husband had "disappeared". Somewhat irate she called her husband's mobile and demanded, 'Where are you?'
Husband: 'Darling, do you remember that little jewellery shop where you saw that beautiful diamond necklace and totally fell in love with it
but I didn't have the money at that time and I said "Darling it'll be yours one day."'
Wife, tremulously, 'Yes, I do remember that my love.'
Husband, 'Well I'm in the Pub next to that shop.'
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New Year's Eve Party - Phantom Guest?Trevor's New Year's Eve party was an annual occurrence with numerous guests arriving. During the evening, a man knocked on the door, was greeted heartily although no one knew who he was, and was led to where the drinks were, in the kitchen. He sat there happily, chatting away, for a couple of hours before a strange light dawned on his face. 'You know,' he confided to Trevor, 'I wasn't even invited to this party. I just came over to tell you that some of your guests' cars are blocking my drive.' He continued, 'My wife's been sitting out in the car waiting for me to get them moved, so that we can go out.'
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How to Tell That You have Entered a New Year: You enter your password on the microwave.
You haven't played solitaire with a real deck of cards in years.
You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of four.
You call your son's beeper to let him know it's time to eat. He 'phones you back from his bedroom, 'What's for dinner?'
You chat several times a day with a stranger from Canada, but you haven't spoken with your next door neighbour all last year.
Your daughter just bought a CD of all the records your college roommate used to play.
You check the ingredients on a can of chicken noodle soup to see if it contains Echinacea.
Your grandmother clogs up your e-mail inbox asking you to send her a JPEG file of your newborn so she can create a screen saver.
You pull up in your own driveway and use your cell phone to see if anyone is home.
Every commercial on television has a website address at the bottom of the screen.
You buy a computer and a week later it is out of date and now sells for half the price you paid.
The concept of using real money instead of credit or debit to make a purchase is foreign to you.
Your reason for not staying in touch with family is that they do not have e-mail addresses.
Your idea of being organised is multi-coloured Post-it notes.
You hear most of your jokes via e-mail instead of in person.
You're reading this.
Wise Words to Start the New Year The early worm gets eaten!
There is no pleasure in having nothing to do; the fun is in having lots to do and not doing it.
Never argue with a fool, people may not know the difference.
Lead me not into temptation (I can find the way myself).
You can't skip and be unhappy at the same time.
I have enough money to last me the rest of my life, unless I buy something.
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The Top Nineteen Funny, Fascinating, and Unusual World Wide Customs To Celebrate New Year1.
Baby New Year Tradition - The tradition of using a baby to signify the New Year was started around 600 BC by the ancient Greeks, who, at the start of a year would carry a baby around in a basket. The purpose of it was to honour Dionysus, the God of Fertility and symbolize his annual rebirth. This custom is still practised in parts of Greece.
2.
Hogmanay - The New Year in Scotland is called Hogmanay. Some people in Scotland follow a ritual that appears quite strange but it actually has a great significance. One can find barrels of tar set on fire and gradually rolled down the streets in the villages of Scotland. This ritual symbolizes that the old year is burned up and New Year is going to begin.
3.
Burning "Mr Old Year" - In Columbia, Cuba and Puerto Rico families stuff a life-size male doll with things and then they dress it up in old clothes donated from each family member.
At the stroke of midnight, this "Mr Old Year" is set on fire. This is done with the simple belief that a doll thus stuffed have bad memories or sadness associated with them, and that the burning of these will help one to do away with past unhappiness and usher in happiness in life with the coming year.
4.
Eating Noodles - Late on the evening of December 31st , people from Japan might eat a bowl of buckwheat noodles called "toshikoshisoba" [year-crossing noodles] and listen for the sound of the Buddhist temple bells, which are rung 108 times at midnight. The sound of these bells is said to purify the listeners of the 108 sins or evil passions that 'plague every human being'.
5.
Eating 12 Grapes - In Spain people eat 12 grapes as the clock strikes midnight (one each time the clock chimes) on New Year's Eve.
This peculiar ritual originated in the 20th century when freak weather conditions resulted in an unseasonable bumper harvest of grapes. Not able to decide what to do about so many grapes at Christmas time, the King of Spain and the grape growers came up with the idea of the New Year ritual.
6.
Gifts in Shoes - In Greece children leave their shoes by the fireside on New Year's Day, which, incidentally, is also the Festival of Saint Basil in Greece, with the hope that Saint Basil, who was famous for his kindness, will come and fill their shoes with gifts.
7.
Carrying a Suitcase - In Venezuela, Argentina, Bolivia, and Mexico, those with hopes of travelling in the New Year carry a suitcase around the house at midnight. Some people may even carry it around the block to ensure travelling at greater distances.
8.
Burning Crackers - People in China believe that there are evil spirits that roam the earth. So on New Year they burn crackers to scare the evil spirits.
The doors and windows of many homes in China can be seen sealed with paper. This is to keep the evil demons out. See more Chinese New Year stories here.
9.
Foods - It was thought that one could affect the luck they would have throughout the coming year by what they did or ate on the first day of the year.
It is still held, for example, in some regions that special New Year foods are the harbingers of luck. For that reason, the Dutch believe that eating donuts on New Year's Day will bring good fortune. The hog, and its meat, is considered lucky because it symbolizes prosperity. Cabbage is another "good luck" vegetable that is consumed on New Year's Day by many. Cabbage leaves are also considered a sign of prosperity, being representative of paper currency. In some regions, rice is a lucky food that is eaten on New Year's Day.
The ancient Persians gave New Year's gifts of eggs, which symbolized productiveness.
Here is the second half of our World-wide New Year traditions. New Year Traditions
10. [b]American resolutions - We learn that 40% to 45% of American adults make one or more New Year's resolutions each year.[/b]
These range may from debt reduction to giving up bad habits. The most common resolutions appear to deal with weight loss, to exercise more and to giving up smoking.
11.
New York Times Square Celebrations - The first Ball lowering celebration atop One Times Square in the USA was held on December 31st , 1907 and is now a worldwide symbol of the turn of the New Year, seen via satellite by more than one billion people each year.
The original New Year's Eve Ball weighed 700 pounds and was 5 feet in diameter. It was made of iron and wood and was decorated with 100 25-watt light bulbs.
12.
Black-eyed peas - Many parts of the USA celebrate the new year by consuming black-eyed peas. These legumes are typically accompanied by either hog jowls or ham. Black-eyed peas and other legumes have been considered good luck in many cultures.
13.
Rings - Many cultures believe that anything in the shape of a ring is good luck, because it symbolizes "coming full circle," or completing a year's cycle.
14.
Wearing new slippers - In China, many people wear, in the new year, a new pair of slippers that were bought before the new year, because it suggests stepping on the people who gossip about you.
15.
Sealed doors and windows - During new year, the doors and windows of every home in China can be seen sealed with paper. The Chinese think that this will succeed in keep the evil demons out.
16.
Jewish New Year - is known as Rosh Hashanah. It is a holy time when Jews recall the things they have done wrong in the past, and then promise to do better in the future. Special services are held in the synagogues, children are given new clothes and New Year loaves are baked to remind people of harvest time. See here for more Rosh Hashanah jokes. Also note the Jewish festival of Hanukkah which occurs each December.
17.
Japanese New Year - On New Year's Day in Japan, everyone gets dressed in their new clothes. Homes are decorated with pine branches and bamboo, both of which are considered to be the symbols of long life.
18.
New Love - Apparently, in Mexico, wearing red underwear on New Year's Eve is said to bring new love in the upcoming year.
19.
First city to celebrate - Sydney, Australia, hosts the first major New Year's Eve celebration each year.
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HAPPY NEW YEAR EVERYONE!!! 
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Good Morning and Happy New Year Joe, Ana, venus , soot and everyone! 
