Prejudice is a great time saver. You can form opinions without having to get the facts.
~E. B. White~
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I went down the pub last night and ran into Vincent Van Gogh at the bar.
'Hi Vince, how are you? 'I'm fine thanks. You OK?
'Can't complain. Vincent, can I get you a drink?'
'No thanks - I've got one 'ere!'
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True Courtroom Exchanges
Q: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
A: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
Q: Can you describe the individual?
A: He was about medium height and had a beard.
Q: Was this a male, or a female?
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An American farmer was on holiday in Wales. He could not resist exploring the hill farms north of Aberystwyth. At lunch time he dropped into a pub and fell into easy conversation with a Welsh farmer.
'How big is your spread?' , asked the American. 'Well look you, it's about 20 acres he said' . Only 20 acres the American responded, back in Texas I can get up at sunrise, saddle my horse and ride all day, when I return at supper time, I'll be lucky to cover half my farm'. 'Dew dew' , said the Welshman, 'I once had horse like that, but sent him to the knackers yard.'
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Extracts from Funny Resumes1. 'I demand a salary commiserate with my extensive experience.'
2. 'I have lurnt Word for Widows, computor operations and spreasheet progroms.'
3. 'I received a plague for Salesperson of the Year.'
4. 'Wholly responsible for two (2) failed financial institutions.'
5. 'Reason for leaving last job: maturity leave.'
6. 'Failed bar exam with relatively high grades.'
7. 'It's best for employers that I not work with people.'
8. 'Let's meet , so you can 'ooh' and 'aah' over my experience.'
9. 'You will want me to be Head Honcho in no time.'
10. 'Am a perfectionist and rarely if if ever forget details.'
11. 'I was working for my mom until she decided to move.'
12. 'Marital status: single. Unmarried. Unengaged. Uninvolved. No commitments.'
13. 'I have an excellent track record, although I am not a horse.'
14 'I am loyal to my employer at all costs....Please feel free to respond to my résumé on my office voice mail.'
15. 'I have become completely paranoid, trusting completely no one and absolutely nothing. '
16. 'My goal is to be a meteorologist. But since I possess no training in meteorology, I suppose I should try stock brokerage.'
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A few weeks after a young man had been employed; he was called into the Human Resources administrator's office. 'What is the meaning of this?' the personnel officer asked. 'When you applied for this job, you told us you had three years experience. Now I have discovered this is the first position You've ever held.'
'True', the young man answered with a smile, 'in your advertisement you said you wanted a person with imagination.'
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A Funny and Alternative Slant on Management Place 400 bricks in a closed room.
Put your new employees in the room and close the door.
Leave them alone and come back after 6 hours. Funny Human Resource Story
Analyse the situation you find:-
a. If they are counting the bricks, put them in the Accounting Department.
b. If they are recounting them, put them in Auditing.
c. If they have messed up the whole place with the bricks, put them in Engineering.
d. If they are arranging the bricks in some strange order, put them in Planning.
e. If they are throwing the bricks at each other, put them in Operations.
f. If they are sleeping, put them in Security.
g. If they have broken the bricks into pieces, put them in Information Technology.
h. If they are sitting idle, put them in Human Resources.
i. If they say they have tried different combinations, they are looking for more, yet not a brick has been moved, put them in Sales.
j. If they have already left for the day, put them in Marketing.
k. If they are staring out of the window, put them in Strategic Planning.
l. If they are talking to each other, and not a single brick has been moved, congratulate them and put them in Top Management.
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Human Resources Use Funny Expressions "Competitive salary" = We remain competitive by paying less than our competitors.
"Must be deadline oriented" = You'll be six months behind schedule on your first day.
"Some overtime required" = Some time each night and some time each weekend.
"Must have an eye for detail" = We have no quality control.
"Career minded" = Female Applicants must be childless and remain that way.
"No phone calls please" = We've filled the job; our call for résumés is just a legal formality.
"Seeking candidates with a wide variety of experience" = You will, in fact, be replacing three people who have just left.
"Problem solving skills a must" = You're walking into a company which is in perpetual chaos.
"Requires team leadership skills" = You'll have the responsibilities of a manager, without the pay nor the respect.
"Good communication skills" = Management communicates, you listen, figure out what they want and do it.
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Good morning everyboomie.
I think this has been without a doubt, the best week of this year! What do you think?
I don't really see how anyone can disagree with me.
Well just like I predicted, we had weather today.
I predict more for the remainder of the week, and even more weather next week.
One thing about the weather, it's one of the few things that everybody in the world has in common.
Put two complete strangers in a room and they'll be able to immediately have a discussion about the weather, even if they know absolutely nothing about each other.
Of course it'll be an argument because one of them likes it, and the other one hates it.
How do you like your weather? I like Goldilocks weather. Not too hot, and not too cold. Jusssssst right.
Have a
cool,
warm, cool day everyone.
joe
acebook
witter
Hope you get that tall dark roast you need to get you through your day.
Hope you get to experience a rainy day at home soon. 
Hope you're having a terrific Thursday!
Ana keep smiling that's the right attitude. 
Wishing a peaceful day for everyone! 
