The four most beautiful words in our common language:
I told you so.
~Gore Vidal~
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Clean Short Stories Suitable for a Wedding Day Speech
Those Wanting to Be MarriedFather Henry was planning a wedding at the close of the morning service. After the benediction Father Henry had planned to call the couple down to be married for a brief ceremony before the congregation. For the life of him, he couldn't think of the names of those who were to be married. 'Will those wanting to get married please come to the front?' Father Henry requested. Immediately; nine single ladies, three widows, four widowers, and six single men stepped to the front.
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Shotgun wedding - a case of wife or death.
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Best ManA groom chose his pet dog as the best man for his wedding, reports the Metro. Paul Nock told his new wife Kelly years ago that he wanted Scooby by his side on their big day. The health and safety training organizer, from Hull, said, 'I was away working in Dubai when the wedding arrangements were made and didn't think she would let it happen. But when we got into the register office I turned round and there he was walking up the aisle, with the rings tied around his neck.' The 27-year-old bride added: 'It was a wonderful surprise.'
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The Wedding PresentI would like to thank you all for coming here today to celebrate my daughter's marriage. Just for your information the seating arrangement has been specially organised with all of the people that bought large presents being placed towards the front and those that bought cheaper smaller presents at the back. (Pause) There is a special thanks for uncle Fred who is at the back for the oven glove. (Pause) The bride would like to ask uncle Fred if she could have the other glove for their Silver Wedding Anniversary
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The Wedding PreparationJacob, age 92, and Rebecca, age 89, living in Devon , are all excited about their decision to get married. They go for a stroll to discuss the wedding, and on the way they pass a chemists. Jacob suggests they go in. Jacob addresses the man behind the counter: "Are you the owner?" The chemist answers, "Yes." Jacob: "We're about to get married. Do you sell heart medication?" Chemist: "Of course we do." Jacob: "Medicine for rheumatism?" Chemist: "Definitely." Jacob: "Medicine for memory problems, arthritis, and Alzheimer's?" Chemist: "Yes, a large variety. The works." Jacob: "What about vitamins, sleeping pills, Geritol, antidotes for Parkinson's disease?" Chemist: "Absolutely.." Jacob: "Everything for heartburn and indigestion?" Chemist: "We sure do." Jacob: "You sell wheelchairs and walkers and canes?" Chemist: "All speeds and sizes." Jacob: "In that case, we'd like to use this store for our wedding presents list."
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What Kind of Wedding Do You Want, My love?'I dreamed of a wedding of elaborate elegance, A church filled with family and friends. I asked him what kind of a wedding he wished for, He said one that would make me his wife.'
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Married for many years, Paul had been ignored by his wife, Liz, for some days, so eventually he confronted her with what he perceived as the problem. 'Come on Liz, admit it,' he ranted, 'You only married me because my granddad left me $6 million, didn't you?' 'You really are silly, Paul,' retorted Liz loudly, 'I couldn't care less who left it to you.'
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Relationships can be very puzzling as we all know. Take celibacy, for example; this can be a choice, or a condition imposed by environmental factors. While attending a special Marriage Awareness Weekend in Doncaster, Yorkshire, England, Nicky and Victoria listened to the facilitator intone, 'It is so very important that husbands and wives know the things that are important to each other.' He turned to the men and asked, 'Can you each name your wife's favourite flower?' Nicky leaned over, touched Victoria's arm gently and whispered, 'Self raising, isn't it?' Thus began Nicky's life of celibacy.
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On the day of the nuptuals, everything went well. Nevertheless, Luke thought that everyone must have seen his toupee. Next day, his youngest daughter sees his worried look and says, 'What's the matter, daddy? Why are you looking so down in the mouth so?' 'I'm not really sad, darling,' Luke replies, 'it's just that I'm sure everyone yesterday saw that I was wearing a wig.' 'No they didn't, daddy,' she answers, 'Not one person that I told knew it.'
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A man, his wife and his mother-in-law went on vacation to the Holy Land. While they were there, the mother-in-law passed away. The undertaker told them, 'You can have her shipped home for £5,000, or you can bury her here in the Holy Land for £150.' The man thought about it and told him he would just have her shipped home. The undertaker asked, 'Why would you spend £5,000 to ship your mother-in-law home, when it would be wonderful to have her buried here and spend only £150?' The man replied, 'a man died here 2,000 years ago, was buried here, and three days later he rose from the dead. I just can't take that chance.'
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In the morning the day after my nuptials, the phone rang. 'Reverse charges call from Jackie', said the operator'. 'Will you accept the charges?' I couldn't think of anyone that I knew who was called Jackie; so I said no and put down the phone. A moment later, the phone rang again. 'Hi, Margaret, it's Jackie', said a familiar voice, 'your mother-in-law.'
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John wants to get his beautiful wife, Emma, something nice for their first wedding anniversary. So he decides to buy her a mobile telephone. Emma is excited, she loves her phone. John shows her and explains to her all the different and varied features on the phone. On Monday Emma goes shopping in the local supermarket. Her phone rings and it's her husband, 'Hi ya, Emma, 'he says, 'how do you like your new phone?' Emma replies, 'I just love it, it's so small and light and your voice is clear as a bell, but there's one feature that I really don't understand though.' 'What's that, Emma?' asks the husband. 'How did you know that I was at WalMart?'
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'Hello, Bill,' exclaimed Jim, meeting a buddy for the first time in a while. 'Did you marry that girl you used to go with or are you still doing your own cooking and ironing?' 'Yes,' replied Bill.
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'Congratulations my boy!' said the groom's uncle. 'I'm sure you'll look back and remember today as the happiest day of your life.' 'But I'm not getting married until tomorrow.' Protested his nephew. ''I know,' replied the uncle, 'that's exactly what I mean.
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To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little. To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot, and not try to understand her at all.
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A couple goes out to dinner to celebrate their 50th wedding anniversary. On the way home, she notices a tear in his eye and asks if he's getting sentimental because they're celebrating 50 wonderful years together. He replies, 'No, I was thinking about the time before our nuptuals. Your father threatened me with a shotgun and said he'd have me thrown in jail for 50 years if I didn't marry you. Tomorrow I would've been a free man!'
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Two Scotsmen, brothers, Finlay and Jim Calder, were sitting in the pub discussing Jim's big wedding day. 'Aye, it's going to be grand,' said Jim. 'I've got everything organised already, the flowers, the church, the cars, the reception, the rings, the minister, even ma stag night.' Finlay smiled and nodded, approvingly. 'Heavens, I've even got a kilt to be married in,' continued Jim with a look of satisfaction. 'A kilt... that's guid. You'll look smart in that,' exclaimed Finlay, 'and what's the tartan?' 'Och,' uttered Jim, 'I imagine she'll be in white.'
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A Texan woman had a wedding cake made into a life-sized model of herself. Chidi Ogbuta, 35, had the 5ft cake made to renew her vows after 10 years of marriage to husband Innocent. The $2,000 cake took five weeks to make, needed two gallons of amaretto, 50lbs of sugar, 200 eggs and weighed a whopping 400lb. It needed four men to lift it into the wedding venue.
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Follow the PriestAfter the blessing the priest said to the newly married couple, 'follow me up to the altar'. When the priest reached the inner sanctum he turned around, and was amazed to see the bride and groom crawling to the altar on their knees.
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'Darling,' says Barry to his wife, Sarah, 'I invited a friend home for supper.'
'What? Are you crazy?' Sarah splutters, 'The house is a mess, I didn't go shopping, all the dishes are dirty, and I don't much feel like cooking a fancy meal.'
'I know all that,' murmurs Barry.
'Then why did you invite a friend for supper?' explodes Sarah.
'Because the poor fool's thinking about getting married,' concludes Barry.
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Rupert and Elaine, young couple, got married and went happily on their honeymoon.
When they got back, Elaine immediately 'phoned her mother and her mother obviously asked, 'How was the honeymoon, dearest?'
'Oh, Ma,' she replied, 'the honeymoon was wonderful. So romantic...'
Then Elaine burst out crying. 'But, Ma, as soon as we returned home Rupert started using the most ghastly language... saying things I've never heard before! I mean, all these awful 4-letter words! You've got to come get me and take me home.... Please Ma.'
'Calm down, Elaine!,' said her mother, 'Tell me, what could be so awful? What 4-letter words?'
Still sobbing, Elaine whispered, 'Oh, Ma...words like dust, wash, cook, and iron.'
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Molly and Peter have been married for almost 48 years and have raised a brood of 12 children and are blessed with 23 grandchildren.
When asked the secret for staying together all that time, Molly replies, 'Many years ago we made a promise to each other: the first one to pack up and leave has to take all the kids.'
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Good morning everyboomie.
Welcome to the weekend!
After yesterday's 60s weather, I'm getting ready for the 30s on Saturday and 23 Saturday night.
Now for us that's Artic type weather, but I'm sure Ana will tell me it's gonna be -14 degrees there.
That would make my snowballs shiver for sure.
God bless you guys who have to endure those real Artic storms.
I really have nothing to do in that kind of stuff, except to take Missy out for a stroll, if she wants to.
Personally I would be ok with it if she doesn't want to.
Have a happy day everyone.
joe
acebook
witter
Joe! It's going down to 8f but with the windchills we may hit -13! 
I've been walking ten miles a day all week. 13 miles on Wednesday. I can't wait for my snow day today! 
happy weekend, HeHeHe love the wedding preparation one LOL 
finally you relax this weekend, put your feet up and enjoy the snow. 
crossing finger's for you that your power don't go out keep safe and warm. 
Enjoy the stroll with Missy...she'll love the mindful experience
hope you have a great Sunday to Happy Gaming. 
for you - all over the world..happy weekend to you.