My parents used to stuff
me with candy when I was a kid. M&M’s, Jujubes, SweeTarts. I don’t think they wanted a child; I think they wanted a piñata.
~Wendy Liebman~
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A definition of retirement: You get up in the morning with nothing to do, and go to bed at night having only done half of it.
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A woman came home to find her retired husband waving a rolled up newspaper round his head.
Wife: 'What are you doing dear?'
Husband: 'Swatting flies - I got 3 males and 2 females'
Wife: 'How on earth do you know which gender they were?'
Husband: 'Easy - 3 were on the beer, and the other 2 were on the phone'
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Seven Retirement One-liners to Work into Your Leaving Speech1 Active socially: Drinks heavily.
2 Character above reproach: Still one step ahead of the law.
3 Excels in the effective application of skills: Makes a good cup of coffee.
4 Internationally known: Likes to go to conferences and trade shows in Las Vegas.
5 Is well informed: Knows all office gossip and where all the skeletons are kept.
6 Tactful in dealing with superiors: Knows when to keep mouth shut.
7 Willing to take calculated risks: Doesn't mind spending someone else's money.
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The question isn't at what age I want to retire, it's at what income. George Foreman
There is an enormous number of managers who have retired on the job. Peter F. Drucker
I have never liked working. To me a job is an invasion of privacy. Danny McGoorty, Irish Pool Player
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Albert's Leaving PresentationToday we would like to thank Albert for his service to our company. Albert is someone who does not know the meaning of impossible task, who does not know the meaning of lunch break, who does not understand the meaning of the word no. So we have clubbed together and bought Albert a dictionary.
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A. A. A. D. D. - Classic Retirement SyndromeRecently, I was diagnosed with A. A. A. D. D. - Age Activated Attention Deficit Disorder. This is how it manifests itself: I decide to water my garden. As I turn on the hose in the driveway, I look over at my car and decide my car needs washing. As I start toward the garage, I notice that there is mail on the porch table that I brought up from the mail box earlier. I decide to go through the mail before I wash the car. I lay my car keys down on the table, put the junk mail in the rubbish bin under the table, and notice that the bin is full. So, I decide to put the bills back on the table and take out the rubbish first. But then I think, since I'm going to be near the mailbox when I take out the garbage anyway, I may as well pay the bills first. I take my check book off the table, and see that there is only one check left. My extra checks are in my desk in the study, so I go inside the house to my desk where I find the can of coke that I had been drinking. I'm going to look for my checks, but first I need to push the coke aside so that I don't accidentally knock it over. I see that the coke is getting warm, and I decide I should put it in the refrigerator to keep it cold. As I head toward the kitchen with the coke, a vase of flowers on the counter catches my eye: they need to be watered. I place the coke down on the work surface, and I discover my reading glasses that I've been searching for all morning. I decide I better put them back on my desk, but first I'm going to water the flowers. I set the glasses back down on the work top, fill a container with water and suddenly I spot the TV remote. Someone has left it on the kitchen table. I realize that tonight when we go to watch TV, I will be looking for the remote, but I won't remember that it's on the kitchen table, so I decide to put it back in the lounge where it belongs, but first I'll water the flowers. I pour some water in the flowers, but quite a bit of it spills on the floor. So, I set the remote back down on the table, get some towels and wipe up the spill. Then, I head down the hall trying to remember what I was planning to do. At the end of the day:
The car isn't washed.
The bills aren't paid.
There is a warm can of coke sitting on the work surface.
The flowers don't have enough water.
There is still only one check in my check book.
I can't find the TV remote.
I can't find my glasses and I don't remember what I did with the car keys.
Then, when I try to figure out why nothing got done today, I'm really baffled because I know I was busy all day long, and I'm really tired. I realize this is a serious problem, and I'll try to get some help for it, but first I'll check my e-mail. PS. I just remembered, I left the water running......................................
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Senior Texting Codes* CBM - Covered by Medicare
* CUATSC - See You at the Senior Center
* FWBB - Friend with Beta Blockers
* GGPBL - Gotta Go, Pacemaker Battery Low
* GHA - Got Heartburn Again
* IMHO - Is My Hearing-Aid On?
* LMDO - Laughing My Dentures Out
* LWO - †Lawrence Welk's On
* OMMR - On My Massage Recliner
* OMSG - Oh My! Sorry, Gas
* TTYL - Talk to You Louder
* WAITT - Who Am I Talking To?
* WTP - Where're the Prunes? Hope these help.
* GGLKI (Gotta Go, Laxative Kicking in!)
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Memory TestThree elderly men, Eddie, Jenkin and Martin men go to the doctor's for their memory test. It's a miracle they remembered the appointment!
Anyway, the doctor begins by asking Eddie, "What is five times five?" "191," is his reply.
The doctor rolls his eyes and looks up at the ceiling, and says to Jenkin, "It's your turn.
What is five times five?" "Wednesday," replies Jenkin man.
The doctor shakes his head sadly, then asks the third man, "Okay Martin it's your turn.
What's five times five?" "Twenty five," says Martin. "That's great!" says the doctor. "How did you get your answer?" "Easy," says Martin, "just subtract 191 from Wednesday."
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Don't Mess with the ElderlyMyra Rhodes, a little old lady living in Great Baddow, Essex, answered a knock on the door one day, to be confronted by a well-dressed young man carrying a vacuum cleaner.
'Good morning, Ma'am,' said the young man. 'If I could take a couple minutes of your time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest in high-powered vacuum cleaners.'
'Go away!' said Myra brusquely. 'I'm broke,' and she proceeded to close the door.
Quick as a flash, the young man wedged his foot in the door and pushed it wide open.
'Don't be too hasty,' he commanded. 'Not until you have at least seen my demonstration.'
And with that, he emptied a bucket of horse manure onto her hallway carpet. 'Now, if this vacuum cleaner does not remove all traces of this horse manure from your carpet, Madam, I will personally eat the remainder.'
Myra stepped back and said with a smile, 'Well let me get you a spoon, young man because they cut off my electricity this morning.'
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The Story of The Retired Husband at TescoDear Mrs. Marsh, Over the past six months, your husband, Mr Joseph Marsh has been causing quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this type of behavior and have considered banning your entire family from shopping in any of our stores nationwide. We have documented all incidents on our video surveillance equipment. Three of our workers are attending counseling from the trouble your husband has caused. All complaints against Mr Marsh have been compiled and are listed below: Memo: Re - Mr Joseph Marsh Complaints - Things Mr Joseph Marsh has done while his wife was shopping in our store:
1 June 22: Took 18 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people's trolley's when they weren't looking.
2 July 4: Set all the alarm clocks in household department to go off at 5 minute intervals.
3 July 9: Made a trail of tomato ketchup on the floor leading to the toilets.
4 July 21: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official tone, 'Code 5' in fruit and veg..... and then watched what happened.
5 September 14: Moved a ' CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.
6 September 17: Set up a tent in the camping department and told other shoppers he' d invite them in for a cup of tea if they would bring pillows from the bedding department.
7 September 29: When a shelf stacker asks if they can help him, he begins to cry and demands, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?'
8 October 31: Looked right into the security camera; used it as a mirror, and picked his nose in a disgusting fashion.
9 December 2: Darted around the store suspiciously loudly humming the ' Mission Impossible' theme tune.
10 December 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed, yelled ' Pick me! Pick me!'
11 December 23: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumes the foetal position and screams, 'NO! NO! It's those voices again!'
And; last, but not least!
12 December 24: Went into a fitting room in the clothing department, shut the door and waited awhile; then, yelled, very loudly, 'There is no toilet paper in here!'
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Good morning everyboomie.
As sure as Tuesday follows Monday......a new day is upon us.
Yep.....had all day to think about it and that's what I came up with.
I've been sitting around cooped up inside for days, and it's getting to me. Right now I have a burning pain under my shoulder blade and it's very distracting.
There is good news though. The Cowboys won again today, for the 6th time in the last week.
Missy and I did get out today and went to the park, and then to Walmart. Later on Missy took me for another walk.
It tried to warm up here today, but the wind just wouldn't let it feel any warmer.
Have a super day everyone.
joe
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witter
It's back to work for me again in the morning.
