"Among those whom I like or admire, I can find no common denominator, but among those whom I love, I can: all of them make me laugh."
Wystan Hugh Auden
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Bill was a not too smart kind of guy. Everyday when
he walked home from work, he would get stopped by
three nasty men and they would beat him up and steal
his money.
Finally, Bill decided that it would serve his best
interest to walk a different route and then take up
some self-defense classes so this wouldn't happen
again. He joined a karate class and soon was doing
very well to defend himself.
So, one day, on the way home from work Bill took his
old route home and sure enough there they were. He
walked up to them and the battle ensued. The next
afternoon Bill went to his karate class with a black
eye, a broken nose and a busted lip.
His instructor, shocked, asked him what happened.
"Well," explained Bill, "I took my old way home last
night so I could beat these guys up who were stealing
my money, but they beat me up before I could get my
shoes and socks off!"
Bill's not blonde is he? ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
It was a particularly tough football game, and nerves were on edge. The home team had been the victim of three or four close calls, and they were now trailing the visitors by a touch-down and a field goal. When the official called yet another close one in the visitors' favor, the home quarterback blew his top.
How many times can you do this to us in a single game?" he screamed. "You were wrong on the out-of-bounds, you were wrong on that last first down, and you missed an illegal tackle in the first quarter."
The official just stared.
The quarterback seethed, but he suppressed the language that might get him tossed from the game. "What it comes down to," he bellowed, "is that you STINK!"
The official stared a few more seconds. Then he bent down, picked up the ball, paced off 15 yards, and put the ball down. He turned to face the steaming quarterback.
The official finally replied, "And how do I smell from here?"
Like a big fat dead rat I'd say. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
One day, while a blonde was out driving her car, she ran into a truck.
The truck's driver made her pull over into a parking lot and get out of the car.
He took a piece of chalk and drew a circle on the pavement. He told her to stand in the middle and not leave the circle.
Furious, he went over to her car and slashed the tires.
The blonde started laughing.
This made the man angrier so he smashed her windshield.
This time the blonde laughed even harder.
Livid, the man broke all her windows and keyed her car.
The blonde is now laughing hysterically, so the truck driver asks her what's so funny.
The blonde giggles and replies, "When you weren't looking, I stepped out of the circle three times!"
Bill's wife. 
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A teacher asked one of the boys in her class, "Can people
predict the future with cards?"
His response was, "My mother can."
The teacher replied, "Really?"
The young boy was quick to explain, "Yes, she takes one look
at my report card and tells me what will happen when my
father gets home."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A police officer sees a man driving around with a pickup truck full of penguins.
He pulls the guy over and says, "You can't drive around with penguins in this town! Take them to the zoo immediately."
The guy says okay, and drives away.
The next day, the officer sees the guy still driving around with the truck full of penguins - and they're all wearing sunglasses.
He pulls the guy over and demands, "I thought I told you to take these penguins to the zoo yesterday?"
The guy replies, "I did. Today I'm taking them to the beach!"
Sounds like my kind of weekend. I wouldn't wear a tux to the beach though. 
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I was out walking with my then 4 year old daughter. She picked up something off the ground and started to put it in her mouth. I asked her not to do that.
"Why?"
"Because it's been laying outside and is dirty and probably has germs."
At this point, she looked at me with total admiration and asked, "Wow! How do you know all this stuff?"
"Uh," I was thinking quickly, everyone knows this stuff, "Um, it's on the mommy test. You have to know it, or they don't let you be a mommy."
"Oh."
We walked along in silence for 2 or 3 minutes, but she was evidently pondering this new information.
"I get it!" she beamed. "Then if you flunk, you have to be the daddy."
Eat up kid. 
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Esther Cohen was the mother of three, very active small boys. One summer evening she was playing cops and robbers with them in the back yard after dinner.
One of the boys "shot" his mother and yelled, "Bang! You're dead." She slumped to the ground and when she didn't get up for 20 minutes, a neighbor came over to see if she had been hurt in the fall.
When the neighbor bent over, the overworked mother opened one eye and said, "Shhh. Don't give me away. This is the only chance I've had to rest all day."
That's what you get for being so smart. 
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Good morning everyboomie.
It's funny but I don't feel an hour older.
I think I'll go back to bed and look for that hour I lost.
I like it though. It stays darker earlier, and stays lighter later.
They call it daylight saving time, but I don't get it.
We save that one hour all Summer and when we cash it in next Fall we only get one hour back.
Don't you think we should get some interest on it, and get say, 2 hours back??
I think I'll stick to my time machine. All I have to do is fly counter clockwise around the block and gain an hour.
Have a happy day everyone.
joe
acebook
witter
Oh Joe, there ya go again playing with the time machine. You know it's a dangerous thing to play with. You are going to see yourself in a parallel universe and create all kinds of havoc. 
To all awake, 
Sounds like you had a wonderful day! Hope tomorrow is equally as good! 
No Sunday plans so far, except maybe grocery shopping. It should be another rainy day, so gaming is definitely a necessity as well. 
Karen
to Sam. I know the party will be a Great. Darlene,enjoy your day. Space, I'll vote to stop the clocks for awhile. Time goes way to fast now that I'm older. Venus, enjoy your 3 day weekend. Karen, I'm glad Mojo isn't hurt too bad. I hope the cut heals quickly. JennyP, I hope all is well with you and ther's some shopping in your future. L4L and Soot, I hope you have an easy and enjoyable day. Gerry, Gail, Cailyn, Blsbet, and all who come in after me, have a Wonderful Sunday. We worked in the yard some yesterday. Except for the terrible wind it was a nice day. Everything was blowing over. We lost all the fish in our 2 smaller ponds. That hasn't happened in over 20 years. The ones in the big pond are OK. We will walk and go for breakfast. May work in the yard again. Cinnamon pecan buns in the NC. :niceday: 
:niceday: :tweety: 
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