"Laugh and the world laughs with you. Snore and you sleep alone."
Anthony Burgess
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
My wife uses fabric softener. I never knew what that stuff was for. Then I noticed women coming up to me, sniffing, then saying under their breath "Married!" and walking away.
Fabric Softeners are how our wives mark their territory.
We can take off the ring, but it's hard to get that April fresh scent out of your clothes.
Ah ha!
Devious women.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A college student wrote a letter home, "Dear folks, I feel miserable because I have to keep writing for money. I feel ashamed and unhappy. I have to ask for another hundred, but every cell in my body rebels. I beg on bended knee that you forgive me.
Your son, Richard.
P.S. I felt so terrible I ran after the mailman who picked this up in the box at the corner. I wanted to take this letter and burn it. I prayed to God that I could get it back. But it was too late."
A few days later he received a letter from his father. It said,
"Your prayers were answered. Your letter never came!"
Someone's lying here.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Business Sign in the Window:
"WE WOULD RATHER DO BUSINESS WITH 1000 AL QAEDA TERRORISTS THAN WITH ONE SINGLE AMERICAN"
This sign was prominently displayed in the window of a business in Philadelphia. You are probably outraged at the thought of such an inflammatory statement. One would think that anti-hate groups from all across the country would be marching on this business... and that the National Guard might have to be called to keep the angry crowds back. But, perhaps in these stressful times one might be tempted to let the proprietors simply make their statement...
We are a society which holds Freedom of Speech as perhaps our greatest liberty. And after all, it is just a sign.
You may ask what kind of business would dare post such a sign?
Answer: A Funeral Home!
(Who said morticians had no sense of humor?)
What a business. People are dieing to get in.
Personally, it's the last place I want to go.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The executive was interviewing a young blonde for a position in
his company He wanted to find out something about her personality
so he asked, "If you could have a conversation with someone,
living or dead, who would it be?"
The blonde quickly responded, "The living one."
The funeral home might make an exception here.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
An old lady is rocking away the last of her days on her front porch, reflecting on her long life, when - all of a sudden - a fairy godmother appears in front of her and informs her that she will be granted three wishes.
"Well, now," says the old lady, "I guess I would like to be really rich."
*** POOF *** Her rocking chair turns to solid gold.
"And, gee, I guess I wouldn't mind being a young, beautiful princess."
*** POOF *** She turns into a beautiful young woman.
"Your third wish?" asked the fairy godmother. Just then the old woman's cat wanders across the porch in front of them.
"Ooh -- can you change him into a handsome prince?" she asks.
*** POOF *** There before her stands a young man more handsome than anyone could possibly imagine.
She stares at him, smitten. With a smile that makes her knees weak, he saunters across the porch and whispers in her ear:
"Bet you're sorry you had me neutered."
I'll bet he's sorrier.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
RE: Quotes Taken from actual performance evaluations:
"Since my last report, this employee has reached rock bottom and has started to dig."
"His men would follow him anywhere, but only out of morbid curiosity."
"I would not allow this employee to breed."
"This associate is really not so much of a has-been, but more of a definitely won't be."
"Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap."
"When she opens her mouth, it seems that this is only to change whichever foot was previously in there."
"He would be out of his depth in a parking lot puddle."
"This young lady has delusions of adequacy."
"He sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them."
"This employee should go far - and the sooner he starts, the better."
"This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot."
Man! Where did they get my evaluations????
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Howard County Police officers still write their reports by hand. The data is later entered later by a into their database by a clerk. One theft report stated that a farmer had lost 2,025 pigs. Thinking that to be an error, the clerk called the farmer directly.
"Is it true Mr. (Smith) that you lost 2,025 pigs?" she asked.
"Yeth." lisped the farmer. Being a Howard County girl herself, the clerk entered: "Subject lost 2 sows and 25 pigs."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Good morning everyboomie.
Congratulations on graduating from "M Day"!
Now if you just keep graduating day by day, you'll gradually make it to the weekend.
Personally I hope I flunk Tuesday, and have to do it over.
I've got "homework" I have to do, but I don't plan on doing anything at all for extra credit.
We'll see how that flys.
Have a happy day everyone.
joe
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Howdy ho, Joe! Funny openers! Have a happy day!
To all awake, 
Hope you have a great day!
We've had these surprise water shut offs before, but I've never known them to last so long. So tomorrow morning, I plan on calling the management to find out what's going on.
she's got spring fever! How are 
I hope every ones day is a good one :leprechaun:
Didn't think I'd make it but I'm here. Had to wear my thigh-high boots. Mud puddles everywhere.
I think we will work in the yard and green house today. Still more dead plants to dispose of. Blueberry muffins in the NC. :niceday:
See everyone later on. 
and lots of cars that zoom up and down the roads. But hey, it was a bit of a walk and they enjoyed it. 
I didn't intend to sleep all day so I didn't put on my CPAP, and every few minutes I'd wake myself up. 
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