"Laughter is a tranquilizer with no side effects."
Arnold H. Glasgow
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A blonde, brunette and a red-head were trapped on a island 20 miles from shore. The red-head started swimming and got tired after 2 miles and turned around and swam back. Then the brunette started to swim and after 7 miles of swimming she turned back. The blonde jumped in and swam 17 miles got tired and turned back.
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A Rabbi and a Priest buy a car together and it's being stored at the Priest's house. One day the Rabbi goes over to use the car and he sees him sprinkling water on it. The Rabbi asked, ''What are you doing?'' The Priest responded, ''I'm blessing the car.'' So the Rabbi said ''Okay, since we're doing that....'' and takes out a hacksaw and cuts two inches off the tail pipe.
Very odd "circumstance" there I say.
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A Blonde And A Brunette Are Running A Ranch Together In Louisiana. They decide they need a bull to mate with their cows to increase their herd. The brunette takes their life savings of $600 dollars and goes to Texas to buy a bull. She eventually meets with an old cowboy that will sell her a bull. "It's the only one I've got for $599, take it or leave it." She buys the bull and goes to the local telegram office and says, "I'd like to send a telegram to my friend in Louisiana that says: Have found the stud bull for our ranch, bring the trailer."
The man behind the counter tells her, "Telegrams to anywhere in the U.S. are $.75 per word."
She thinks about it for a moment and decides. "I'd like to send one word, please."
"And what word would that be?" inquires the man.
"Comfortable." replies the brunette.
The man asks, "I'm sorry miss, but how is your friend gonna understand this telegram?"
The brunette replies, "My friend is blonde and reads REAL slow..."
Was that slow enough for you Sorta Blonde?
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Here is a clever woman!
Jennifer's wedding day was fast approaching. Nothing could dampen her excitement - not even her parents' nasty divorce.
Her mother had found the PERFECT dress to wear and would be the best dressed mother-of-the-bride ever!
A week later, Jennifer was horrified to learn that her father's new young wife had bought the exact same dress! Jennifer asked her to exchange it, but she refused. "Absolutely not. I look like a million bucks in this dress, and I'm wearing it," she replied.
Jennifer told her mother who graciously said, "Never mind sweetheart. I'll get another dress. After all, it's your special day."
A few days later, they went shopping and did find another gorgeous dress.
When they stopped for lunch, Jennifer asked her mother, "Are you going to return the other dress? You really don't have another occasion where you could wear it.
Her mother just smiled and replied, "Of course I do, dear. I'm wearing it to the rehearsal dinner!"
I don't get it......
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The Edward Bulwar Lytton prize is awarded every year to the author of the worst possible opening line of a book. This has been so successful that Penguin now publishes five books worth of entries.
Some recent winners:
10) 'As a scientist, Throckmorton knew that if he were ever to break wind in the sound chamber he would never hear the end of it.'
9) 'Just beyond the Narrows the river widens.'
8) 'With a curvaceous figure that Venus would have envied, a tanned, unblemished oval face framed with lustrous thick brown hair, deep azure-blue eyes fringed with long black lashes, perfect teeth that vied for competition, and a small straight nose, Marilee had a beauty that defied description.'
7) 'Andre, a simple peasant, had only one thing on his mind as he crept along the east wall: 'Andre creep... Andre creep... Andre creep.'
6) 'Stanislaus Smedley, a man always on the cutting edge of narcissism, was about to give his body and soul to a back-alley sex-change surgeon to become the woman he loved.'
5) 'Although Sarah had an abnormal fear of mice, it did not keep her from seeking out a living at a local pet store.'
4) 'Stanley looked quite bored and somewhat detached, but then penguins often do.'
3) 'Like an overripe beefsteak tomato rimmed with cottage cheese, the corpulent remains of Santa Claus lay dead on the hotel floor.'
2) 'Mike Hardware was the kind of private eye who didn't know the meaning of the word 'fear,' a man who could laugh in the face of danger and spit in the eye of death -- in short, a moron with suicidal tendencies.
AND THE BEST OF ALL:
1) 'The sun oozed over the horizon, shoved aside darkness, crept along the greensward, and, with sickly fingers, pushed through the castle window, revealing the pillaged princess, hand at throat, crown asunder, gaping in frenzied horror at the sated, sodden amphibian lying beside her, disbelieving the magnitude of the frog's deception, screaming madly, 'You lied!'
Ooooo What a page turner!
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Funny Thoughts
When people say, "I’m so tired it's not even funny" or "my head hurts so much it's not even funny", why would it even be funny in the first place?
Do stairs go up or down?
Why is there a top line on lined paper if we never use it?
Do coffins have lifetime guarantees?
Why do the numbers on phones go down while the numbers on calculators go up?
If Hooters were to become a door-to-door service would they have to change
their name to Knockers?
Are children who act in rated 'R' movies allowed to see them?
Can you breathe out of your nose and mouth at the same time? (you tried it didn't you?)
Are marbles made of marble?
If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?
Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet soup?
Can you get cornered in a round room?
Why don't the hairs on your arms get split ends?
If an atheist has to go to court, do they make him swear on the Bible?
Why is it illegal to park in a handicapped parking space but its ok to use a handicapped toilet?
In that song, she'll be coming around the mountain, who is she?
Do they have girl’s bathrooms in gay bars?
Why are people allowed to put naked statues outside but why can't we run outside naked?
Why can't you run naked outside. I do it all the time.
Did I say that out loud?
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Good morning everyboomie.
It's the day before the day before.
I'm not feeling well this morning. I think I drank too much green water last night.
I'm kidding. I feel........................58.......................................and 3 months.
It's going to be a day today,,,,,, until it gets dark.
I hope you all take advantage of it and have a happy one.
joe
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witter
ooohhoo! good ones,Joe!
Howdy ho, Joe! Funny openers! Hope your Thursday is easy peasy!
To all awake, 
Hope every ones day is a good one :tweety:
Karen 
and cooler.
Yes....yes...please some pics!! Have a nice day!
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