"If you don't learn to laugh at trouble, you won't have anything to laugh at when you're old."
Edgar Watson Howe
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A harried driving instructor came home from work, kicked off his shoes, and fell into a chair. "I'm thinking of taking six or seven of my students to England," he said.
"What on earth for?" his wife asked.
"It might make them feel good to see what it's like to drive on the left side of the road-legally."
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There was a perfect man and a perfect woman. They met each other at a perfect party. They dated for two perfect years. They had the perfect wedding and the perfect honeymoon. They had two perfect children.
One day the perfect man and the perfect woman were driving in there perfect car, they saw Santa Claus at the side of the road, being the perfect people they were they picked him up, because they didn''t want to make their perfect children (who were at home with their perfect babysitter) mad because it was close to Chritmas.
Well as the perfect man and the perfect woman were driving with Santa Claus, somehow they got into an accident. Two people died and 1 lived.
Who lived?
The perfect woman, because the perfect man and Santa Claus aren't real.
That makes perfect sense.
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A blonde was determined to prove to her husband that all blondes were not dumb, so she decided to paint the living room.
Her husband came home and found her painting while wearing a leather jacket with a ski jacket over it.
When he asked her why she was wearing the jackets, she said the instructions said it was better with two coats.
It's a cold room. :shiver:
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A keen country lad dressed up in his only Sunday-go-to-meetin' suit, took the bus into the Big City and applied for a salesman's job at the big city department store. In fact it was the biggest store in the entire world - you could literally buy *anything* there. "So tell me," the boss asked him, "have you ever been a salesman before?"
"Sure have," said the lad, "I was the best salesman in the county back home!"
The boss liked the cut of him and said, "Well, OK: you can start tomorrow and I'll come and see you when we close up the store."
The day was long and arduous for the young man, but finally 5 PM came around, and the boss came by and asked him: "Well, how many sales did you make today, young man?"
"Oh, just one," said the young salesman.
"Only ONE?" blurted his boss. "Most of my staff can make 20 or 30 sales a day! OK, OK, so how much was the sale worth?"
"Well, lessee, all told that would be three hundred twenty-four thousand, three hundred and thirty four dollars and sixty-seven cents," said the young fellow, smiling broadly.
"How in hell you manage THAT?!" asked his flabbergasted boss as soon as he could pick himself up off the floor.
"Waaaall", said the salesman, "this ritzy-lookin' feller came in and I sold him a small fishhook, y'see, and then he needed a medium-sized hook too, and finally we decided he needed a really large hook on top of those. Then, I sold him a small fishin' line, and a medium one and a pure-dee huge-mongous big'un! I asked him where he was goin' fishin' and he said "down the coast." I said he'd probably be needin' a boat too, so I took him down to the boat department and sold him that-thar twenty-foot schooner y'all ain't been able to sell for nigh-on two years ... y'know the big'un with the twin engines? Waall, then the poor feller says his Volkswagon probably wouldn't be able to pull the whole kit-n-kaboodle, so I took him to the car department and sold him the new Deluxe Cruiser with a tow-hook on the rear. He was plum-happy!"
"Wait ..." said the boss as he took two steps back and stared at the lad in astonishment, "you sold all that to a guy who came in for a FISHHOOK?!?"
"Waaalll, naw, not 'zactly," answered the salesman, "y'see, he came in to buy a box of tampons for his wife and I said to him, "Hey pal, you and I both know your weekend's shot, so you may as well go fishin', right?"
What was that about a perfect woman??
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Fifteen minutes into the flight from Kansas City to Toronto, the captain announced, "Ladies and gentlemen, one of our engines has failed. There is nothing to worry about. Our flight will take an hour longer than scheduled, but we still have three engines left."
Thirty minutes later the captain announced, "One more engine has failed and the flight will take an additional two hours. But don't worry, we can fly just fine on two engines."
An hour later the captain announced, "One more engine has failed and our arrival will be delayed another three hours. But don't worry, we still have one engine left."
A young blonde passenger turned to the man in the next seat and remarked, "If we lose one more engine, we'll be up here all day!"
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A juggler, driving to his next performance, is stopped by the police.
"What are these matches and lighter fluid doing in your car?" asks the cop.
"I'm a juggler and I juggle flaming torches in my act."
"Oh yeah?" says the doubtful cop. "Lets see you do it."
The juggler gets out and starts juggling the blazing torches masterfully.
A couple driving by slows down to watch.
"Wow," says the driver to his wife. "I'm glad I quit drinking. Look at the test they're giving now!"
I can do that....................get drunk I mean.
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A cop was interrogating a very intoxicated Irishman, who was also severly bleeding.
The officer asked, "Can you describe the person who did this to you?"
The Irishman replied, "That's what I was doing when he hit me."
That's indescribably ,,,,,,
,,,,something.
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Good morning everyboomie.
Welcome to the weekend!
Gimme an "S"
Well my back went out, and left me alone to sulk.
I guess I can sulk while watching it snow, or whatever it does today.
At least I'm keeping with the spirit of it all using the ice pack on the back.
I hope you all enjoy your Saturday.
joe
acebook
witter
Howdy ho, Joe! Great openers! So sorry about your back! Looks like a gaming day for you then, yes?
To all awake, 
So got up took Jazzie,Diego,out,Tigger and Dollie just looked at me as to say are you kidding!!Both went back to sleep 
Diego goes to be Neutered in April,he is such a Rascal around here you forget what it's like to have a Puppy around,the funny things they do and get into!Well have a great day every one :tweety:
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