English - Who needs that? I'm never going to England!
Homer Simpson
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
With their 30th wedding anniversary approaching, Ron asks his wife, Sylvia, what she wants to celebrate the occasion.
"Would you like to have a new mink coat?" Ron asks.
"No, not really," Sylvia responds.
"Well, how about a new Porche?" asks Ron.
"No, thanks," Sylvia replies.
"What about a new vacation home in the country?" Ron suggests.
"No," says Sylvia.
"Well, what would you like for your anniversary?" Ron asks.
"I'd like a divorce, Ron," answers Sylvia.
"Sorry, honey, I wasn't planning on spending that much," replies Ron.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
John invited his mother over for dinner one evening. During the meal, she couldn't help but notice how attractive his roommate Judy was.
She had been suspicious of a relationship between her son and his roommate for quite some time, but this only made her more curious.
She watched the two of them interact over the course of the evening and began to wonder whether there was more between John and Judy than met the eye.
Realizing only too well what his mother was thinking, John said, "I can see your wheels turning Mom and I know what you're thinking. Rest assured Judy and I are strictly roommates."
A few days later, Judy went to John and said, "You know the beautiful silver gravy ladle? Well, ever since your mother came to dinner I can't seem to find it. You don't think she would have taken it, do you?"
"I doubt it, but I'll write her a letter just to be sure," replied John.
John then sat down and wrote his mother the following letter: "Dear Mom, While I'm not saying you 'did' take a gravy ladle from my house, and I'm not saying you 'didn't' take a gravy ladle, the fact remains that ever since you were here for dinner one has been missing. Love, Your son."
Several days later, John received a reply from his mother which read: "Dear John, While I am not saying you 'do' sleep with Judy, and I'm not saying you 'don't' sleep with her, the fact remains that she would have found the gravy ladle by now if she were sleeping in her own bed. Love, Mom."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
It seems there was this couple from Minneapolis, Minnesota, who decided to go to Miami Beach for a few days to thaw out during one particularly cold winter.
The airlines have crazy frequent flyer rules, and the wife ended up on a flight the day after her husband.
The husband made it down to Florida and arrived at his hotel. Upon getting to his room, he decided to open his laptop and send his wife back in Minneapolis an email.
Unfortunately, he didn't notice he had misspelled his wife's email address
In South Carolina, a widow had just returned from the funeral of her husband, a Methodist pastor of many years, who had been called to glory just a few days earlier.
She decided to check her email because she was expecting to hear from relatives and friends. Upon reading the first email, she let out a loud scream, fainted and fell to the floor.
The woman's son rushed into the room and found his mother on the floor. He glanced up at the computer screen and saw the following email message:
To My Loving Wife: I've just been checked in. Everything has been prepared for your arrival here tomorrow. Looking forward to seeing you then.
Your Devoted Husband.
P.S. Sure is hot down here.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Sir, I understand you admit to having broken into the dress shop four times," the judge said.
"Yes, Your Honor," the suspect replied.
"What did you steal?" the judge asked.
"I stole a dress, Your Honor," replied the suspect.
"One dress?" the judge bellowed. "But you have admitted to breaking in four times!"
"Yes, Your Honor," sighed the suspect, "but the first three times my wife didn't like the color!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A man was walking in the city, when he was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking bum who asked him for a couple of dollars for dinner.
The man took out his wallet, extracted two dollars and asked, "If I gave you this money, will you take it and buy whiskey?"
"No, I stopped drinking years ago," the bum said.
"Will you use it to gamble?"
"I don't gamble. I need everything I can get just to stay alive."
"Will you spend the money on greens fees at a golf course?"
"Are you NUTS! I haven't played golf in 20 years!"
The man said, "Well, I'm not going to give you two dollars.
Instead, I'm going to take you to my home for a terrific dinner cooked by my wife."
The bum was astounded.
"Won't your wife be furious with you for doing that? I know I'm dirty, and I probably smell pretty bad."
The man replied, "That's OK. I just want her to see what a man looks like who's given up drinking, gambling, and golf."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
As US tourists in Israel, Morris and his wife were sitting outside a Bethlehem souvenir shop, waiting for fellow tourists.
An Arab salesman approached them carrying belts.
After an impassioned sales talk yielded no results, he asked where they were from.
"America," Morris replied.
Looking at her dark hair and olive skin, the Arab responded. "She's not from the States."
"Yes I am." said the wife.
He looked at her and asked. "Is he your husband?"
"Yes." she replied.
Turning to the husband, he said.... "I'll give you 100 camels for her."
Morris looked stunned, and there was a long silence. Finally he replied, "She's not for sale."
After the salesman left, the somewhat indignant wife asked "Morris what took you so long to answer?
Morris replied, "I was trying to figure out how to get 100 camels back home."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Every year, Fred and Ethel would spend a day at the State Fair. Every year, Fred would say, "Ethel, I'd like to ride in that airplane."
And every year, Ethel would say, "I know, Fred, but that airplane ride cost ten dollars, and ten dollars is ten dollars."
One year, while they were at the fair, Fred said, "Ethel, I'm 74 years old. If I don't have a ride in that airplane this year, I may never get another chance."
"Fred, that airplane ride cost ten dollars, and ten dollars is ten dollars," Ethel replied.
The pilot happened to overhear them and said, "Listen folks, I'll make you a deal. I'll take you both up for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and not say a word, I won't charge you anything. But, if you say one word, then you'll have to pay the ten dollars."
Fred and Ethel agreed, so up they went. The pilot did all kinds of rolls and dives, twists and turns, but not a word was heard. He did all his fancy maneuvers again, but still not a word.
When they finally landed, the pilot turned to Fred and said, "Gosh, I did everything I could think of to get you to yell out, and yet you never said a word."
"Well," Fred replied, "I was going to say something when Ethel fell out, but ten dollars is ten dollars."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Good morning everyboomie.
I have another day to play. Problem is the weather is turning and staying in the 40's.
It may be a good day to hybernate.
I'll have to run to town though, and return a sweater Mom gave me for Christmas, because it hardly ever gets "cold enough" to wear sweaters.
I hope I'm not sending mixed signals. If I wear sweaters....................I sweat.
Is that why they're called sweaters?
That's exactly why I don't wear Bermuda shorts.
Can't stand the heat.
It's gotta be the low 40s for me to wear long sleeve shirts, and then I keep the sleeves pushed up on my arms.
The hibernation thing is just because I like to sleep.
Have a happy day everyone.
joe
acebook
witter
Happy day to you all 
Ana hope you get the dogs out for a run today. 
Haroula how's the weather in Greece today? 
Previous Topic
Index